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Relationships are built and based on a number of things. Some relationships are built on love, some on sex, others on trust and others on finances. However, most relationships that last are built and based primarily on communication and trust. So what happens when the person we are involved with, the one we trust and love, betrays us? More importantly, how do we miss the signs of betrayal, both obvious and not? Why do we fall for the things we fall for in relationships? The answer is simple…we fall for the things we fall for in relationships because we innocently hear the words our loved ones say to us, we imbed those words in our minds and bury them in our hearts…why? Because we trust them. Why do we trust them? Because we believe they have our best intentions in mind as well as the relationship. Not only do we innocently hear the words they say, but we glance over some of their actions that we agree and disagree with, causing us to miss obvious signs of infidelity or betrayal. Why do we do this? Because we want our relationships to work no matter what the cost. Now don’t get me wrong, there are many people who don’t miss the obvious signs of their relationship going downhill, but there are also those people who see the signs, but refuse to acknowledge them for the sake of having a relationship.

Refusing to acknowledge obvious signs of a failing relationship is detrimental to one’s mental stability and overall health; but sometimes you can miss those signs by trusting solely in that person and not relying on instincts.  How do you avoid missing the signs of infidelity, or better yet, how can you avoid falling for/believing everything your mate says? Do the following:

1. Listen to what your mate says, don’t just hear them. This may seem redundant, but what most people fail to realize is that there is a difference between hearing and listening. When you hear what someone is saying you are receiving the information given, or becoming aware of something, meaning you’re just taking what they say with a grain of salt; however, when you listen to someone you are paying attention to what they are saying, you understand it for what it is, and you can take the information you received and go forward with it.
2. Observe their actions. Observing your mate’s actions will help you recognize how they have changed and how the dynamics of the relationship have changed as well. For example, if your mate suddenly stops spending a certain amount of time with you that you’ve become accustomed to without just cause, this may be a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore. If they change the way they dress, or pay particularly close attention to their appearance, more than before, you may want to start asking questions. Am I saying you should be Inspector Gadget? No, but I am saying that you should observe your mate’s change in actions within the relationship.
3. Trust your mate, but trust your instincts more. If you are in a relationship with someone, there is obviously some level of trust there, which is great. But if your instincts indicate some red flags with your mate, trust them. Am I am saying that you should be overly paranoid? No, but what I am saying is that if you’ve noticed some strange changes with your mate and your internal intelligence tells you to ask questions, or listen and observe a bit closer than usual… do so.
4. When the obvious is blatantly obvious, take it for what it is. When your mate has obviously cheated on you, admits it and is even apologetic for it, walk away from the obvious cheater and the relationship because he may step out on you again. While I do believe in second chances, I don’t believe in being an obvious fool.
5. Don’t make excuses for them. This step is huge! People often miss signs of infidelity or fall for lies because they make excuses for their mates. They notice the change in their mate and the relationship as a whole but make excuses like “he’s just tired…” “She has to work late…” “I feel neglected, but it’s okay, I know he loves me…” and so on and so on. Why do we do this? We do this because we don’t want to face the reality of the situation, and we are trying to spare our hearts from breaking without realizing we are walking directly into heartbreak by not using our common sense and listening to our instincts.

Trusting someone is not easy, and when we find someone we want to be involved with we put our trust in them; and by doing so we have the tendency to be vulnerable, let our guards waaaay down and often fail to see the obvious. It happens very easily, and sometimes it can be avoided, others times it can’t. Trust your instincts, stay true to yourself, listen, look and learn.

What have you fallen for in relationships? Have you missed obvious signs of infidelity?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

According to this excerpt from the book, The Normal Bar: women lie, men lie, everybody is a got-damn liar:

“For most couples, some lying is necessary to keep the peace, to protect each other’s feelings, and to preserve a sense of safety in the relationship. The 27% who never lie may be righteous, but they can also be cruelly frank. Men and women who shade the truth may be more loving and protective. Even well-intentioned lies, however, can hurt the relationship if the truth that’s withheld is something the partner has every right and need to know. Knowing when a lie is reasonable and when it is reprehensible isn’t always an easy call.”

According to the book excerpt, both genders have a sneaking suspicion about their partners truthfulness with 69 percent of men and women reporting that they have “lied at some point to their partners.” The most common lie committed by women (43 percent) is about how great/no-so-great their partner is in bed. And among men, almost half of men have reported lying to their partners about their whereabouts and what they are doing at these whereabouts. The book excerpt then goes on to cite one study, which has determined that only 53 percent of men and a dismal 39 percent of women completely trust their partners. Despite the pitiful levels of trust many couples have going on, the book explains that for women in relationships, there appears to be more acceptance of the belief that men are going to stray because they are “more interested in and titillated about sex outside the relationship” and therefore are incapable of being trusted. It’s hard to imagine that through all this lying, snooping and acceptance of bad deeds going on, folks can still say that they are in, or even desire, an honest and open relationship. Yet according to this book, even among happy couples, there is a tendency to lie or not completely trust their partners.

Reading these statistics doesn’t seem to inspire confidence in relationships. It would be dishonest of me if I stated that I have never lied in a relationship. However, I admittedly have trust issues and currently avoid having genuine relationships like the plague, so I don’t have to be put into a position of lying or being lied to. But is there ever a point where lying is okay? Like for instance, do I really want a guy to give an honest answer to how fat I may look in my dress or what he thought about that meal I made from the recipe I found online? Some secrets might be worth taking to the grave. For instance, I know for the former wife of 99-year-old Antonio C., who divorced her after 77 years after she confessed to having an affair back in the 1940s, would have loved if she kept that tidbit of information to herself.

Sure, some folks say it might depend on the lie, but what about the liar? I probably would be more forgiving of a lie, which was told to spare my feelings than one told because he fears rejection and the consequences of his action. However, generally, I hate liars and in either circumstance, I would probably be pissed. After all, maybe it is not my big a**; maybe it is the dress and its unflattering shape, which is causing me to look extra chunky, particularly in areas where I don’t want the chunk. And if this is the case, I would appreciate the heads-up in the matter so I can go change outfits.

A few years back, I was dating this guy pretty heavily for a few months when he one day, sat me down and told me that he felt we should slow it down. The reason was that he wanted to concentrate on his daughter, who recently came to live with him on a full-time basis. Made sense to me. About a month later, while out at one of the local spoken-word venues in the city, I ran into this same guy and he was on a date with his new girlfriend. He had lied to me, he said, because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I felt like he lied to me because he was a coward. And it has been my experience that liars and cowards are mutually exclusive.

It’s officially the internet age and everything celebrities Tweet, speak or claim is recorded. But that fact escapes a few of the rich and famous from time to time. Here are a few big celebrity lies your favorite stars have been caught in.

Photo Credit: FayesVision/WENN.com

Tyga

This all started when TMZ posted a clip of Tyga from an unaired MTV show called “Bustas.” In it, an 18-year-old Tyga bragged that he was named after Tiger Woods by wealthy parents who drove Range Rovers and brought him up in The Valley.

And that was news to Tyga fans who thought that the rapper was from Compton. Since the video’s release, Tyga says his parents were only wealthy during the time they were taping the show and that he’s really from Compton. OK Tyga.

So exactly what is a good friend? One who’s always there for you no matter what? One who always makes you feel good about yourself? Someone who is constantly re-assuring your insecurities? Sorry, but that’s not a good friend, that’s just a fake one. Let’s be real, there is no way that you always agree with the things your friends do. So exactly why do we often make it seem like we do agree with them? Is it because we don’t want to hurt their feelings? Or because we’re afraid of an argument? Either way, friends do it a lot! Here are some of the most common lies we tell our friends just to keep the peace:

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You look great in that outfit

Hmmm, how do I put this nicely? Even though your flab is hanging out all over the place, and that color makes you look like a giant balloon, you look great! In a fantasy world, you could just say that outfit makes you look fat…but not in the real world where people actually have feelings and insecurities. Who wants to be that friend who destroys their friend’s confidence?

When you’re in a new relationship, there are some pieces of information you just have to divulge. Whether or not you have children, whether you’re still married and certainly if you have a disease. But there are a couple of pieces of information that fall into the gray area, like whether or not you should be honest about the number of sexual partners you’ve had. We posed this question to some New Yorkers. See what they had to say.

What about you, do you disclose your number?

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Women usually have a sixth sense when it comes to men and relationships – an uncanny ability to tell when something isn’t quite right, even if she can’t put her finger on it. While some women need a full-out confession when it comes to indiscretions, others use their innate ability to discern if a man may be hiding something from her. The trick though, is being able to tell the difference between a gut feeling, and paranoia. When we’re smitten – or insecure – our radar can be a bit off. Love is blind…deaf…and dumb sometimes, so if you’re not sure if your man (or woman) is guilty of or hiding something, keep your eyes and ears open for these clues.

Read the rest of this entry »

Is it just me, or have the past few years of reality TV and tell-all books allowed people who embody all things shady get to the top and gain celebrity? Seriously, these days young women are seeing that while an education is nice, if you do something scandalous and talk about it for all to hear, you can get book deals, TV shows, roles in movies, endorsements, advertising for your business ventures and more. Decorum is out for dollars folks, and if you don’t believe me, check out the following individuals. I don’t like to say “Hoes be winning,” so I’ll just say these seven “fools” were (and currently are) winning for all the wrong reasons.

Source: icecreamconvos.com

Karrine “Superhead” Steffans

Nobody gained so much notoriety for discussing lewd behavior as Karrine Steffans did after she revealed a who’s who list of famous (and often, VERY married) rappers she rolled in the sack with or went down on in “Confessions of a Video Vixen.” The chick was on “Oprah” for goodness sake! While the book was interesting, and you could also feel for her a little bit as a woman who was sexually assaulted and had it change her in path in life, it also left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe the whole kissing and telling culture just bothers me, but she didn’t seem that apologetic to the wives of the women she slept with, and spent more time either lauding the men and their packages or dissing their stroke. And after the fact she jumped on the media blitz getting her name out there, still dissing or running after men she claimed to be in love with (like Lil’ Wayne) and signed contracts to put out more of these kinds of books, and more. In the end, I think Steffans just exposed herself most over the years as an all-around sloppy individual, airing out everyone she ran into, including her ex-husband Darius McCrary, Bobby Brown and her current husband via Twitter. She made millions off of being messy.

I’m sure you’ve read just about enough articles on why black women are single and never will get married to make you want to shut off your computer and stop your magazine subscriptions. There’s enough random statistics and surveys out there about our lives and personal business, and a majority of the time, it comes from non-black women. If you’re gullible enough, you’ll probably take all of these stories and more to heart and start panicking, but if you’re not, you’re probably just tired of it all. That’s probably why we decided to come up with this list of misconceptions about all black women when it comes to dating and why we’re single that need to be rid of. Feel free to add more way down below and let people know they need to stop worrying about you and yours.

We’re trying to get hooked up with any and everybody

Thanks, but no thanks. Whether it’s through your friends who mean well or a parent who is worried about the lack of grandbabies running around their home, some people assume that you’ll be a perfect match with the first guy they find who has a decent smile, decent style and decent credit. However, they totally ignore all the glaring signs that this fella is not your type. If folks run across a man they know you’ll have so much in common with, cool. But the whole idea that we’re so desperate nowadays to take and deal with anything isn’t cool. We’re not all out in these streets wishing and praying and hoping for the first man with a pulse who smiles in our direction.

If we’re honest, we’ll admit that we haven’t been completely honest in our relationships. Hopefully, most of the lies have been small, white ones but some of the people we interviewed on the streets of New York have told some pretty big ones. Watch the video and see what they had to say.

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The truth is people lie. While most of us tell little white lies, there are people in this world who specialize in lying about any and everything. Really, some of them are more than liars, they’re con-artists. We took to our Facebook and Twitter pages to find out some of the lies our followers have heard during their dating journeys. Turns out some of these men they dated, were hiding some pretty big, unacceptable secrets. Check it out. 

Anonymous: The man I was dating for 4 years, got his ex-girlfriend pregnant flew down to Vegas and married her at the Bellagio and I found out almost a year later from a private investigator.

Sharon: Not sure yet???But I got that gut feelin’