All Articles Tagged "lies"
Thou shalt not lie, but sometimes being 100% honest just doesn’t work. Whether you’re bending or stretching the truth, these are the white lies everyone tells.
About a year ago, my sister and I moved into a new apartment, that just so happens to be located right across the street from a park. Living next to a park, in a predominately Black neighborhood, in New York City, affords one with all types of unique experiences. There is always some type of party, a fish fry and a group of people you come to know as Park Ninjas. (I’ll use ninjas here, for the lurking White people who frequent MadameNoire.)
Park Ninjas are people, mostly men, who, no matter the weather or time of day, make it a priority to spend at least 5-10 hours in or around the park. They talk trash, eat snacks, shoot craps or attempt to pick up women.
That last one, unfortunately, is where I come in.
On any given day one or more Park Ninjas will attempt to strike up a conversation. To their credit, most of the time they’re polite about it, saying hello before asking your phone number or commenting on your body. And for most of them, one rejection is enough to get them to leave you alone. That was until I met a Park Ninja, we’ll call King.
As I said, I’ve been living here since last October and King never noticed me. But at the beginning of the summer I decided to dye my hair gold and all of a sudden, he felt compelled to speak. Realizing that the standard, “can I get your number?” line wasn’t going to work, King devised a surefire way to get my attention.
King, a smoker in his early to mid forties, has a voice like one of those people who now needs a voice box to communicate. And with his unique, nicotine-induced rasp, he shouted down the street:
Being that I was the only person on the street with locs, I turned around.
“Hi Pretty Dreads!”
I did a half smile and wave before picking up the pace towards my apartment, just in case he decided to continue this conversation.
This pretty dreads thing went on for months, from May until September. I would hear it when I got off the subway, just before I made it to my apartment complex, when I was walking into the bodega next to my building. He would scream Pretty Dreads across the street, say it with a smile as he ran past me or whisper it creepily if he managed to see me before I saw him. Most of the time King just wanted to say hello but as you can imagine, it was rather annoying.
He once introduced me to his daughter, Queen, and finally asked my real name, but he never committed it to memory.
The only reason “Pretty Dreads” stopped was because he finally asked me out on a date.
I was on my way to work when King, standing with his arms extended in a “it’s me baby” stance, gave me his typical “Pretty Dreads” call. But this time, when I smiled and said good morning, in a rush to get to the train, he asked me to wait up.
Before he even started speaking, I let him know that I was in a rush. King, who never, ever seemed to be in a rush to get anywhere, nodded like he understood but kept on talking anyway.
“Well, you know I been calling you pretty dreads for a while now. And I was just wondering if there was any way I could take you out to dinner sometime.”
Before I could even sugarcoat it, the answer flew out of my mouth.
I wasn’t rude but I didn’t let him down easily either. All I could think about was what do I look like sitting down to dinner with a man 20 years my senior who, as far as I can tell, has a young child, an addiction to cigarettes, poor memory and conversation skills and no job to speak of?
But, like many of these street hollerers, King wanted to know why I didn’t want to go out with him.
And instead of telling him that I wasn’t interested in dating a Park Ninja, in my haste to get to the train, I told him my tried and true lie, “I have a boyfriend.”
King shook his fists in mock irritation towards the heavens and I walked to the subway.
I hate to lie. And while I won’t tell another one by saying it’s something I never do, I try to keep my lies to a minimum. Walking to the train, I was sad that I had to waste a lie on King and his ridiculously ambitious invitation. On the train ride to work, I realized I didn’t lie to spare his feelings but I lied for my own protection and safety.
There’s no doubt in my mind that if he doesn’t know already, King could very easily find out where I live… very easily. And aside from the fact that he smokes and has a daughter, I don’t know what type of man he is.
I had to reject him in front of his friend, and telling him the real reasons why I would never date him might embarrass, or worse, enrage him. I just couldn’t afford to take the chance of telling the God’s honest truth, simply because I didn’t know what it would mean for me and my safety.
Which also made me sad. It’s a shame the ways women have to navigate the world, considering our safety in something as trivial as rejecting a request to go to dinner.
Since I had to let King know I wasn’t available, I’ve seen him around. But there are no more of the “Pretty Dreads” comments. Instead, he just waves silently, averts his eyes and keeps on walking, making his way to yet another area of the park.
I was lying, initially, to protect myself. And honestly, I’d probably do it again. Just because you never know how crazy people truly can be. But there was an unexpected perk, no more gravely, smoker-voiced man hollering “Pretty Dreads” in my direction. A lie that potentially protects and removes a small annoyance from my life certainly sounds worth it.
Ladies, do you find you use the “I have a boyfriend” lie instead of straight rejection? Why do you do it?
A picture tells a thousand words…and in this case, a thousand lies.
If I cut his head off, maybe no one will notice.
Dear Dr. Sherry,
Here’s my convoluted mess of a life: About three years ago I moved to a new city. Six months later, I began seeing a person I worked with during my internship experience. He was a good guy. When we started, I was adamant that everything be kept casual. He really wanted a relationship, but I did not want to have drama at my new work place. He respected my request. I told him that it would just be between us and when he tried to push things further, I quickly, and a little rudely, rebuffed him. He eventually began dating someone else. Since I was the one who decided not to take things further, I understood. He dated this woman for several months. I was eventually promoted and moved to another division of the company.
In October 2012, he began calling again and he told me that things were over between him and the other woman. He and I still work for the same company at different locations, but I am in a leadership position now. Even though I still had reservations about dating him, we began a physical relationship. He came over in November depressed but could not (or would not) explain what was wrong. In December, someone that still works with him told me that the other woman he dated revealed that she was pregnant. I know him. I know he wants to be a good father and make things work with anyone who has his child. I asked him if she was pregnant and he told me “no.”
Fast forward to last week and I see a photo of the girl and the baby, who looks just like him. I asked him again and he finally admitted that he was the father. He asked me to forgive him for lying, but I feel betrayed. I cannot handle this, so I told him that it was over after a year and a half of dating seriously. He asked me how long I thought I would be mad about this. Umm, forever! Then he said that she is here (meaning the baby) now and that we can’t be mad anymore. The baby is four months old.
I know he did not cheat on me but he damn sure lied about his child. He didn’t want me to end things again, but I do not feel I can trust him. I love him truly but this is some Maury mess and we are too old for this foolishness.
I went to the doctor recently and found out that my blood pressure has gone way up and I’m a month pregnant. He used condoms every time; I really don’t know how this happened. I have decided not to tell him. He is going to have to see her and what if things kick up for them again. I couldn’t take him leaving again. I’m tired of the stress. Is it best we cut ties and I raise this baby by myself? Am I being fair? Does he deserve fairness?
Oh, everyone in this scenario is over 30.
What would you do if the man you cared about lied about having a child? Check out Dr. Sherry’s advice over on ESSENCE.com.
It took her a little minute but Mama Joyce is finally taking advantage of her new found “fame” in the entertainment world. We recently spoke to her about her feelings on Todd, his relationship with Kandi and if she feels left out, but now Joyce has a new target: Bravo.
That’s right, Joyce is pretty upset with Bravo, saying they edited a lot of her scenes to make her look like a bad person. She recently spoke to RadarOnline and said:
“I don’t know why they did that. I allowed it to be like that, I guess. I guess since they don’t pay me, they can do whatever they want.”
She added that things may have been different if she were under contract:
“I would never have agreed to it. I am very upset about what they did and I don’t know if I’ll be back on the show.”
Joyce recalled specific incidents, particularly the one that seemed to start setting things ablaze over the past few weeks on the show: the photos on the wall.
“When they showed the scene of me walking into the house and seeing all the pictures of Todd on the wall I was not talking about his pictures! I know Kandi had a decorator, her friend Carmon – and she put up all those pictures of Todd when he was a little boy. I said, ‘Now that’s a damn shame,’ and what I really said was that shouldn’t be all him up there (on the wall). That shouldn’t be his wall. I said there were no picture of Riley or me. I didn’t just say there should be a picture of me.”
Interesting but not at all surprising. Joyce has been involved in the show for a couple of seasons now and should understand the business of reality television enough to know that if you don’t want your words to be twisted, you shouldn’t say anything that can be switched up.
As for her possibly leaving the show on her own terms…we’ll see about that.
After rumors began running rampant that TLC had been dropped from Epic Records soon after their television movie aired and the debacle with Pebbles was reignited, the president of Epic, L.A. Reid has finally spoken out.
After keeping quiet for much of the week about the rumors, LA Reid finally chose to make a statement about TLC’s status on Twitter late Friday afternoon.
So that pretty much shuts down that rumor. But the problem is that they were taken down from the Epic Records website and now that it has been noticed, the girls have been added back to the list of Epic artists. So while LA’s tweet was all lilies and roses, something was certainly going on behind the scenes. Website pages, especially not one of the biggest selling girl group of all time, don’t just magically disappear and then reappear after people start talking.
So we guess the TLC album is still being released by Epic Records for now and LA Reid wants everyone to know that he isn’t beefing (even if his ex-wife pretty much threw him in the mix) with Chilli and T-Boz.
As usual, we’re still watching this because something tells me this story is far from over.
So, surprise, surprise, Kenya’s not earning as much as she claimed. But the truth is, this isn’t Kenya’s first lie. Her fibs have caused her to fall out with her cast mates, her landlord, and almost got her sued by Bravo. And as Kenya’s 15 minutes stretch on and on, it’s getting harder to pin Miss Gone with the Wind Fabulous down on the truth. We’re starting to doubt whether anything we know about her is real…including her over-the-top personality. Here’s our list of the most suspicious stories that Kenya has spun.
Okay all you single gals wondering if you should go for it when you meet a hot guy. In a recent post by Salon.com, Mary Elizabeth Williams talks about how “decades of sexual liberation” haven’t erased the stigma of being too easy when you sleep with a man on the first date.
Her “radical idea” is that men, not just women need to consent to sex on the first date. Seriously? Has she been on a first date lately? How many men has she met that stepped back and say “No thanks, we should wait”? Most men feel sexual prowess by having multiple partners, but don’t want to think the women they date have been around.
Mary’s article refers to a new book called It’s Okay to Sleep With Him on the First Date by Andrea Syrtash and Jeff Wilser. Syrtash and Wilser interviewed several women and men who had first date sex to discover what happened. Turns out three out of eight women interviewed found lasting love, but five (62%) had regrets and never saw the guy again.
The big lie about first date sex is that it’s NOT about:
• Which gender needs to consent
• If a woman should make a man wait
• If women manipulate men so they’ll want you more
• Avoiding being considered slutty
The problem is not about sleeping together too quickly or what men think. It’s about your expectations and emotional state after sex.
Maybe there are fewer men today holding the double standard about sex. As a dating coach for women over 40, honestly I don’t care what men think about this. I care passionately about what you think and how you feel.
If you want to have first date sex, be safe and smart to stay healthy. Other than that, feel free to do as you like if you have excellent self-esteem, don’t care what he thinks or if you ever see him again or want to enjoy a variety of sexual partners. Heck, you’re a liberated woman and can do as you please. According to a New York Times article, college coeds today are having more casual sex than the guys!
Read more at YourTango.com
If any of you watched BET’s Being Mary Jane last week or even heard about it, you’ll remember or heard that Gabrielle Union’s character, Mary Jane, discovered that the man she had been sleeping with was married and eventually confronted the wife to let her know that she’d been sleeping with her husband for months. If you didn’t watch, yes that definitely happened.
The wife didn’t take it too well as one might imagine, but to Mary Jane’s surprise (and maybe, your surprise), the wife said she was keeping him. They had two children and she was madly in love with her husband, so while she was hurt, she decided to stay.
Now, I’m not sure if Mary Jane was secretly – or not so secretly – hoping that the wife would leave him. After all, she felt betrayed by this man, so maybe she wanted to let the wife know what was going on so that she knew she was being betrayed as well. Her heart may have been in the right place by telling his wife and maybe she thought she was doing a sister-friend a solid, but she came across looking silly in the end. What I gathered from the wife is that ignorance is bliss and now, she has to come to terms with the fact that her Prince Charming isn’t the man she thought he was and that their happily-ever-after isn’t so happy after all.
I felt sorry for both women. I tried to put myself in each of their shoes and asked myself what I’d do. I’ve been in Mary Jane’s situation before where I discovered that the man I’d been dating was married, but it was because the wife found out about me and contacted me. I was totally clueless up until I got the phone call that her husband, my so-called man, was cheating on her with me. I ended the relationship immediately without even giving him a chance to explain and never saw him or heard from the wife again. It was that simple to me.
But what if I had found out he was married first and his wife was the clueless one? Would I try to find a way to reach out to her to tell her? While I’m all for sisters sticking together, I’d have to say no. If he is the one cheating, he should be the one to tell her. Besides, most women blame the “other” woman, even if she had no idea he was married. I’m not going to give a woman a chance to swing on me because she has misplaced anger that should be directed at her lying, cheating husband. I’ll let her discover who he is on her own.
Besides, if my husband were cheating on me, the mistress is the last person I’d want to tell me. I can’t imagine the humiliation one would feel from having to find out from some other woman that she’s been sleeping with the love of my life. If my husband would have the audacity to cheat, he should at least be man enough to tell me. That’s assuming I’d even want to know.
Like the wife in Being Mary Jane, I’m not sure that telling me such a thing would automatically mean I’d leave. It would probably depend on the circumstances surrounding the infidelity. Was it a one-time thing, a drunken night while he was out of town on business with a complete stranger? Or was/is it an ongoing affair? Have we been married for one year or 10 years? Do we share children? Have we built a life worth fighting for and saving? All of these questions come into play when trying to decide if knowing about an affair is worth the pain involved or not.
I guess for some women, it doesn’t matter the circumstances: they’d leave with no questions asked. They’d want to know if the man they’re spending their life with loves and cherishes the relationship the same way they do. If not, they’d rather find out sooner than later so they can get a divorce stat! I get that. If a man makes the choice to stray, then she should at least get to decide if she wants to stay with him or not.
But for other women, the devastation that comes from betrayal and broken trust isn’t worth the life they’ve built together – especially if it was a one time thing that may never happen again. If he used protection, never put her life at risk, realized the error of his ways and vowed never to cheat again, would telling her be a good thing? He may want to clear his conscience, but at what expense? Would hurting her to spare his conscience benefit or hurt the relationship more? Some women would argue that he should live with the guilt as his punishment rather than tell his wife about an insignificant infidelity that could rock the core of their marriage forever.
If my man were currently cheating, then yes, I’d want to know. While some women have a “If you’re cheating, just make sure I never find out or it never gets back to me” stance, I can’t say I co-sign that amount of ignorance. But if it happened a long time ago and he’s been on the “up and up” ever since? Eh, I probably wouldn’t want to know because in that case, ignorance might truly be bliss.
Where would you stand on this issue?
Sometimes, a good lie can really get the ball rolling; the small seemingly innocent fib about your interest in the San Antonio Spurs mirrors the untruth that he tells about his appreciation of art history to show you’re both interested in the other. And, barring a visit from Tim Duncan or the ghost of Jean-Michel Basquiat to test your knowledge, you’re both in the clear. Besides, in the grand scheme of things, those two lies probably won’t be game changers, and it will probably be chucked to “one of those things that we said when we first met.”
While a few offhand fabrications may make for good utensils for conversation, too many lies, white or otherwise, can color your relationship in a negative way. Some things should never be lied about, especially if the result of that lie will lead to the collapse of your relationship in the future.
Fundamentally, a person is comprised of things that they have said, seen, and done. So, when a person takes to being untruthful about their personal history, it’s a bit more serious than lying about liking Pepsi more than Coca-Cola. The things that a person has witnessed and experienced: deaths, births, school, imprisonment, marriage, and various milestone, are important to share and to be honest about. These collective factors contribute to the type of relationships that they will have or maintain.
Income & Job
Things are hard all ‘round, so while most people aren’t really searching the market for an unemployed partner, most folks aren’t in the position to judge you for being underemployed or unemployed –so don’t lie. In addition to claiming that you have a job when you don’t, please don’t lie about how much you make because you will be found out. There is no reason to tell someone you are rolling in dough when you roll mop buckets across the floor as a custodian at the local junior high for a decent wage. Keep it real.
There’s no need to worry if you tell a lie about knowing how to freestyle or sew. After all, there’s a slim chance that your honey will approach you to spit a verse or sew up the holes in his socks. But, if you lie about your ability to drive or your ability to cook, once again, it’s almost guaranteed that you’ll be found out. Some things are not worth the charade that will ensue if you decide to perpetuate that lie. Yes, men love women who can cook, but it’s perfectly acceptable if you don’t know how to do gender-typical roles. That’s what takeout is for, after all. Just be upfront so he can decide how he feels about it.