All Articles Tagged "lies"
Dear Dr. Sherry,
Here’s my convoluted mess of a life: About three years ago I moved to a new city. Six months later, I began seeing a person I worked with during my internship experience. He was a good guy. When we started, I was adamant that everything be kept casual. He really wanted a relationship, but I did not want to have drama at my new work place. He respected my request. I told him that it would just be between us and when he tried to push things further, I quickly, and a little rudely, rebuffed him. He eventually began dating someone else. Since I was the one who decided not to take things further, I understood. He dated this woman for several months. I was eventually promoted and moved to another division of the company.
In October 2012, he began calling again and he told me that things were over between him and the other woman. He and I still work for the same company at different locations, but I am in a leadership position now. Even though I still had reservations about dating him, we began a physical relationship. He came over in November depressed but could not (or would not) explain what was wrong. In December, someone that still works with him told me that the other woman he dated revealed that she was pregnant. I know him. I know he wants to be a good father and make things work with anyone who has his child. I asked him if she was pregnant and he told me “no.”
Fast forward to last week and I see a photo of the girl and the baby, who looks just like him. I asked him again and he finally admitted that he was the father. He asked me to forgive him for lying, but I feel betrayed. I cannot handle this, so I told him that it was over after a year and a half of dating seriously. He asked me how long I thought I would be mad about this. Umm, forever! Then he said that she is here (meaning the baby) now and that we can’t be mad anymore. The baby is four months old.
I know he did not cheat on me but he damn sure lied about his child. He didn’t want me to end things again, but I do not feel I can trust him. I love him truly but this is some Maury mess and we are too old for this foolishness.
I went to the doctor recently and found out that my blood pressure has gone way up and I’m a month pregnant. He used condoms every time; I really don’t know how this happened. I have decided not to tell him. He is going to have to see her and what if things kick up for them again. I couldn’t take him leaving again. I’m tired of the stress. Is it best we cut ties and I raise this baby by myself? Am I being fair? Does he deserve fairness?
Oh, everyone in this scenario is over 30.
What would you do if the man you cared about lied about having a child? Check out Dr. Sherry’s advice over on ESSENCE.com.
It took her a little minute but Mama Joyce is finally taking advantage of her new found “fame” in the entertainment world. We recently spoke to her about her feelings on Todd, his relationship with Kandi and if she feels left out, but now Joyce has a new target: Bravo.
That’s right, Joyce is pretty upset with Bravo, saying they edited a lot of her scenes to make her look like a bad person. She recently spoke to RadarOnline and said:
“I don’t know why they did that. I allowed it to be like that, I guess. I guess since they don’t pay me, they can do whatever they want.”
She added that things may have been different if she were under contract:
“I would never have agreed to it. I am very upset about what they did and I don’t know if I’ll be back on the show.”
Joyce recalled specific incidents, particularly the one that seemed to start setting things ablaze over the past few weeks on the show: the photos on the wall.
“When they showed the scene of me walking into the house and seeing all the pictures of Todd on the wall I was not talking about his pictures! I know Kandi had a decorator, her friend Carmon – and she put up all those pictures of Todd when he was a little boy. I said, ‘Now that’s a damn shame,’ and what I really said was that shouldn’t be all him up there (on the wall). That shouldn’t be his wall. I said there were no picture of Riley or me. I didn’t just say there should be a picture of me.”
Interesting but not at all surprising. Joyce has been involved in the show for a couple of seasons now and should understand the business of reality television enough to know that if you don’t want your words to be twisted, you shouldn’t say anything that can be switched up.
As for her possibly leaving the show on her own terms…we’ll see about that.
After rumors began running rampant that TLC had been dropped from Epic Records soon after their television movie aired and the debacle with Pebbles was reignited, the president of Epic, L.A. Reid has finally spoken out.
After keeping quiet for much of the week about the rumors, LA Reid finally chose to make a statement about TLC’s status on Twitter late Friday afternoon.
So that pretty much shuts down that rumor. But the problem is that they were taken down from the Epic Records website and now that it has been noticed, the girls have been added back to the list of Epic artists. So while LA’s tweet was all lilies and roses, something was certainly going on behind the scenes. Website pages, especially not one of the biggest selling girl group of all time, don’t just magically disappear and then reappear after people start talking.
So we guess the TLC album is still being released by Epic Records for now and LA Reid wants everyone to know that he isn’t beefing (even if his ex-wife pretty much threw him in the mix) with Chilli and T-Boz.
As usual, we’re still watching this because something tells me this story is far from over.
So, surprise, surprise, Kenya’s not earning as much as she claimed. But the truth is, this isn’t Kenya’s first lie. Her fibs have caused her to fall out with her cast mates, her landlord, and almost got her sued by Bravo. And as Kenya’s 15 minutes stretch on and on, it’s getting harder to pin Miss Gone with the Wind Fabulous down on the truth. We’re starting to doubt whether anything we know about her is real…including her over-the-top personality. Here’s our list of the most suspicious stories that Kenya has spun.
Okay all you single gals wondering if you should go for it when you meet a hot guy. In a recent post by Salon.com, Mary Elizabeth Williams talks about how “decades of sexual liberation” haven’t erased the stigma of being too easy when you sleep with a man on the first date.
Her “radical idea” is that men, not just women need to consent to sex on the first date. Seriously? Has she been on a first date lately? How many men has she met that stepped back and say “No thanks, we should wait”? Most men feel sexual prowess by having multiple partners, but don’t want to think the women they date have been around.
Mary’s article refers to a new book called It’s Okay to Sleep With Him on the First Date by Andrea Syrtash and Jeff Wilser. Syrtash and Wilser interviewed several women and men who had first date sex to discover what happened. Turns out three out of eight women interviewed found lasting love, but five (62%) had regrets and never saw the guy again.
The big lie about first date sex is that it’s NOT about:
• Which gender needs to consent
• If a woman should make a man wait
• If women manipulate men so they’ll want you more
• Avoiding being considered slutty
The problem is not about sleeping together too quickly or what men think. It’s about your expectations and emotional state after sex.
Maybe there are fewer men today holding the double standard about sex. As a dating coach for women over 40, honestly I don’t care what men think about this. I care passionately about what you think and how you feel.
If you want to have first date sex, be safe and smart to stay healthy. Other than that, feel free to do as you like if you have excellent self-esteem, don’t care what he thinks or if you ever see him again or want to enjoy a variety of sexual partners. Heck, you’re a liberated woman and can do as you please. According to a New York Times article, college coeds today are having more casual sex than the guys!
Read more at YourTango.com
If any of you watched BET’s Being Mary Jane last week or even heard about it, you’ll remember or heard that Gabrielle Union’s character, Mary Jane, discovered that the man she had been sleeping with was married and eventually confronted the wife to let her know that she’d been sleeping with her husband for months. If you didn’t watch, yes that definitely happened.
The wife didn’t take it too well as one might imagine, but to Mary Jane’s surprise (and maybe, your surprise), the wife said she was keeping him. They had two children and she was madly in love with her husband, so while she was hurt, she decided to stay.
Now, I’m not sure if Mary Jane was secretly – or not so secretly – hoping that the wife would leave him. After all, she felt betrayed by this man, so maybe she wanted to let the wife know what was going on so that she knew she was being betrayed as well. Her heart may have been in the right place by telling his wife and maybe she thought she was doing a sister-friend a solid, but she came across looking silly in the end. What I gathered from the wife is that ignorance is bliss and now, she has to come to terms with the fact that her Prince Charming isn’t the man she thought he was and that their happily-ever-after isn’t so happy after all.
I felt sorry for both women. I tried to put myself in each of their shoes and asked myself what I’d do. I’ve been in Mary Jane’s situation before where I discovered that the man I’d been dating was married, but it was because the wife found out about me and contacted me. I was totally clueless up until I got the phone call that her husband, my so-called man, was cheating on her with me. I ended the relationship immediately without even giving him a chance to explain and never saw him or heard from the wife again. It was that simple to me.
But what if I had found out he was married first and his wife was the clueless one? Would I try to find a way to reach out to her to tell her? While I’m all for sisters sticking together, I’d have to say no. If he is the one cheating, he should be the one to tell her. Besides, most women blame the “other” woman, even if she had no idea he was married. I’m not going to give a woman a chance to swing on me because she has misplaced anger that should be directed at her lying, cheating husband. I’ll let her discover who he is on her own.
Besides, if my husband were cheating on me, the mistress is the last person I’d want to tell me. I can’t imagine the humiliation one would feel from having to find out from some other woman that she’s been sleeping with the love of my life. If my husband would have the audacity to cheat, he should at least be man enough to tell me. That’s assuming I’d even want to know.
Like the wife in Being Mary Jane, I’m not sure that telling me such a thing would automatically mean I’d leave. It would probably depend on the circumstances surrounding the infidelity. Was it a one-time thing, a drunken night while he was out of town on business with a complete stranger? Or was/is it an ongoing affair? Have we been married for one year or 10 years? Do we share children? Have we built a life worth fighting for and saving? All of these questions come into play when trying to decide if knowing about an affair is worth the pain involved or not.
I guess for some women, it doesn’t matter the circumstances: they’d leave with no questions asked. They’d want to know if the man they’re spending their life with loves and cherishes the relationship the same way they do. If not, they’d rather find out sooner than later so they can get a divorce stat! I get that. If a man makes the choice to stray, then she should at least get to decide if she wants to stay with him or not.
But for other women, the devastation that comes from betrayal and broken trust isn’t worth the life they’ve built together – especially if it was a one time thing that may never happen again. If he used protection, never put her life at risk, realized the error of his ways and vowed never to cheat again, would telling her be a good thing? He may want to clear his conscience, but at what expense? Would hurting her to spare his conscience benefit or hurt the relationship more? Some women would argue that he should live with the guilt as his punishment rather than tell his wife about an insignificant infidelity that could rock the core of their marriage forever.
If my man were currently cheating, then yes, I’d want to know. While some women have a “If you’re cheating, just make sure I never find out or it never gets back to me” stance, I can’t say I co-sign that amount of ignorance. But if it happened a long time ago and he’s been on the “up and up” ever since? Eh, I probably wouldn’t want to know because in that case, ignorance might truly be bliss.
Where would you stand on this issue?
Sometimes, a good lie can really get the ball rolling; the small seemingly innocent fib about your interest in the San Antonio Spurs mirrors the untruth that he tells about his appreciation of art history to show you’re both interested in the other. And, barring a visit from Tim Duncan or the ghost of Jean-Michel Basquiat to test your knowledge, you’re both in the clear. Besides, in the grand scheme of things, those two lies probably won’t be game changers, and it will probably be chucked to “one of those things that we said when we first met.”
While a few offhand fabrications may make for good utensils for conversation, too many lies, white or otherwise, can color your relationship in a negative way. Some things should never be lied about, especially if the result of that lie will lead to the collapse of your relationship in the future.
Fundamentally, a person is comprised of things that they have said, seen, and done. So, when a person takes to being untruthful about their personal history, it’s a bit more serious than lying about liking Pepsi more than Coca-Cola. The things that a person has witnessed and experienced: deaths, births, school, imprisonment, marriage, and various milestone, are important to share and to be honest about. These collective factors contribute to the type of relationships that they will have or maintain.
Income & Job
Things are hard all ‘round, so while most people aren’t really searching the market for an unemployed partner, most folks aren’t in the position to judge you for being underemployed or unemployed –so don’t lie. In addition to claiming that you have a job when you don’t, please don’t lie about how much you make because you will be found out. There is no reason to tell someone you are rolling in dough when you roll mop buckets across the floor as a custodian at the local junior high for a decent wage. Keep it real.
There’s no need to worry if you tell a lie about knowing how to freestyle or sew. After all, there’s a slim chance that your honey will approach you to spit a verse or sew up the holes in his socks. But, if you lie about your ability to drive or your ability to cook, once again, it’s almost guaranteed that you’ll be found out. Some things are not worth the charade that will ensue if you decide to perpetuate that lie. Yes, men love women who can cook, but it’s perfectly acceptable if you don’t know how to do gender-typical roles. That’s what takeout is for, after all. Just be upfront so he can decide how he feels about it.
Chances are you don’t even remember Leyla Ghobadi’s name. Well, last week we reported she was the woman who garnered much media attention for telling Star magazine that she had an affair with Kanye while he was dating Kim and even while she was pregnant.
Now, the 24 year old Canadian model is retracting her statement. She says that she and Kanye did have sex but it was back in November of 2011, months before Kim and Kanye officially started dating in April of 2012. This is what Ghobadi told UK’s The Sun:
“I was introduced to him at the Montreal concert. We met backstage as I knew members of his band. We ended up having sex at the Thompson Hotel.
“He then flew some friends and I out to Toronto for his two concerts in the next two days. We had sex again there. This was all before Kim Kardashian and he never spoke about her. But what I do know is that Kanye is a Romeo — he can never be trusted.
“He will never be faithful to one girl and has women falling at his feet all the time.”
Ghobadi also went on to say that this is not the first entertainer she’s slept with and she’s overwhelmed by all the attention she’s gotten since sharing her story.
“I can’t believe all this publicity — I’m having anxiety attacks. I’ve been out with other singers and never kissed and told. I’m not starting now.“I’m not the type to talk about such things — I’ve got family and friends to consider.”
You lied and now that people are calling you on your foolishness, you felt it was best to come clean? A mess. I will say that though he wasn’t with Kim when he allegedly slept with this Ghobadi character, if her story is factually correct this time around, that would mean he was cheating on Amber Rose at the time. But he was cheating on Amber with Kim at the time. While it is shady as all get out, it’s not a surprise. Old news actually.
I love the part where she says she has family and friends to consider. Didn’t think trying to ignite your modeling career would get this deep did you Leyla?
Anywho, on to the next scandal.
Relationships are built and based on a number of things. Some relationships are built on love, some on sex, others on trust and others on finances. However, most relationships that last are built and based primarily on communication and trust. So what happens when the person we are involved with, the one we trust and love, betrays us? More importantly, how do we miss the signs of betrayal, both obvious and not? Why do we fall for the things we fall for in relationships? The answer is simple…we fall for the things we fall for in relationships because we innocently hear the words our loved ones say to us, we imbed those words in our minds and bury them in our hearts…why? Because we trust them. Why do we trust them? Because we believe they have our best intentions in mind as well as the relationship. Not only do we innocently hear the words they say, but we glance over some of their actions that we agree and disagree with, causing us to miss obvious signs of infidelity or betrayal. Why do we do this? Because we want our relationships to work no matter what the cost. Now don’t get me wrong, there are many people who don’t miss the obvious signs of their relationship going downhill, but there are also those people who see the signs, but refuse to acknowledge them for the sake of having a relationship.
Refusing to acknowledge obvious signs of a failing relationship is detrimental to one’s mental stability and overall health; but sometimes you can miss those signs by trusting solely in that person and not relying on instincts. How do you avoid missing the signs of infidelity, or better yet, how can you avoid falling for/believing everything your mate says? Do the following:
- Listen to what your mate says, don’t just hear them. This may seem redundant, but what most people fail to realize is that there is a difference between hearing and listening. When you hear what someone is saying you are receiving the information given, or becoming aware of something, meaning you’re just taking what they say with a grain of salt; however, when you listen to someone you are paying attention to what they are saying, you understand it for what it is, and you can take the information you received and go forward with it.
- Observe their actions. Observing your mate’s actions will help you recognize how they have changed and how the dynamics of the relationship have changed as well. For example, if your mate suddenly stops spending a certain amount of time with you that you’ve become accustomed to without just cause, this may be a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore. If they change the way they dress, or pay particularly close attention to their appearance, more than before, you may want to start asking questions. Am I saying you should be Inspector Gadget? No, but I am saying that you should observe your mate’s change in actions within the relationship.
- Trust your mate, but trust your instincts more. If you are in a relationship with someone, there is obviously some level of trust there, which is great. But if your instincts indicate some red flags with your mate, trust them. Am I am saying that you should be overly paranoid? No, but what I am saying is that if you’ve noticed some strange changes with your mate and your internal intelligence tells you to ask questions, or listen and observe a bit closer than usual… do so.
- When the obvious is blatantly obvious, take it for what it is. When your mate has obviously cheated on you, admits it and is even apologetic for it, walk away from the obvious cheater and the relationship because he may step out on you again. While I do believe in second chances, I don’t believe in being an obvious fool.
- Don’t make excuses for them. This step is huge! People often miss signs of infidelity or fall for lies because they make excuses for their mates. They notice the change in their mate and the relationship as a whole but make excuses like “he’s just tired…” “She has to work late…” “I feel neglected, but it’s okay, I know he loves me…” and so on and so on. Why do we do this? We do this because we don’t want to face the reality of the situation, and we are trying to spare our hearts from breaking without realizing we are walking directly into heartbreak by not using our common sense and listening to our instincts.
Trusting someone is not easy, and when we find someone we want to be involved with we put our trust in them; and by doing so we have the tendency to be vulnerable, let our guards waaaay down and often fail to see the obvious. It happens very easily, and sometimes it can be avoided, others times it can’t. Trust your instincts, stay true to yourself, listen, look and learn.
What have you fallen for in relationships? Have you missed obvious signs of infidelity?
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.
According to this excerpt from the book, The Normal Bar: women lie, men lie, everybody is a got-damn liar:
“For most couples, some lying is necessary to keep the peace, to protect each other’s feelings, and to preserve a sense of safety in the relationship. The 27% who never lie may be righteous, but they can also be cruelly frank. Men and women who shade the truth may be more loving and protective. Even well-intentioned lies, however, can hurt the relationship if the truth that’s withheld is something the partner has every right and need to know. Knowing when a lie is reasonable and when it is reprehensible isn’t always an easy call.”
According to the book excerpt, both genders have a sneaking suspicion about their partners truthfulness with 69 percent of men and women reporting that they have “lied at some point to their partners.” The most common lie committed by women (43 percent) is about how great/no-so-great their partner is in bed. And among men, almost half of men have reported lying to their partners about their whereabouts and what they are doing at these whereabouts. The book excerpt then goes on to cite one study, which has determined that only 53 percent of men and a dismal 39 percent of women completely trust their partners. Despite the pitiful levels of trust many couples have going on, the book explains that for women in relationships, there appears to be more acceptance of the belief that men are going to stray because they are “more interested in and titillated about sex outside the relationship” and therefore are incapable of being trusted. It’s hard to imagine that through all this lying, snooping and acceptance of bad deeds going on, folks can still say that they are in, or even desire, an honest and open relationship. Yet according to this book, even among happy couples, there is a tendency to lie or not completely trust their partners.
Reading these statistics doesn’t seem to inspire confidence in relationships. It would be dishonest of me if I stated that I have never lied in a relationship. However, I admittedly have trust issues and currently avoid having genuine relationships like the plague, so I don’t have to be put into a position of lying or being lied to. But is there ever a point where lying is okay? Like for instance, do I really want a guy to give an honest answer to how fat I may look in my dress or what he thought about that meal I made from the recipe I found online? Some secrets might be worth taking to the grave. For instance, I know for the former wife of 99-year-old Antonio C., who divorced her after 77 years after she confessed to having an affair back in the 1940s, would have loved if she kept that tidbit of information to herself.
Sure, some folks say it might depend on the lie, but what about the liar? I probably would be more forgiving of a lie, which was told to spare my feelings than one told because he fears rejection and the consequences of his action. However, generally, I hate liars and in either circumstance, I would probably be pissed. After all, maybe it is not my big a**; maybe it is the dress and its unflattering shape, which is causing me to look extra chunky, particularly in areas where I don’t want the chunk. And if this is the case, I would appreciate the heads-up in the matter so I can go change outfits.
A few years back, I was dating this guy pretty heavily for a few months when he one day, sat me down and told me that he felt we should slow it down. The reason was that he wanted to concentrate on his daughter, who recently came to live with him on a full-time basis. Made sense to me. About a month later, while out at one of the local spoken-word venues in the city, I ran into this same guy and he was on a date with his new girlfriend. He had lied to me, he said, because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I felt like he lied to me because he was a coward. And it has been my experience that liars and cowards are mutually exclusive.