Yesterday, the internet was captivated by the story of Bobby and Cheryl Love, captured and told, in 11 parts, on the popular Instagram/Facebook page Humans of New York. If you haven’t read it yet, you should do so immediately. It is a saga for the ages.
At the conclusion of it all, when Cheryl learns that her husband of 40 years is not who he says he is, when he was arrested in front of her eyes, she explains what affect that had on her and how it explained some of his strange behavior in the decades she’d known him.
In describing Cheryl, Bobby says that Cheryl was “soft” and “innocent…almost naive in a way.” And that’s what attracted him to her. He says that he didn’t tell her about his past and real identity because he “didn’t feel the need to.” But perhaps the more central reason was that Cheryl was so morally minded that she might have made him turn himself back in—because it was the right thing to do.
So Bobby attempted to keep burying it. He became a husband, father to four children, a deacon in his church etc. And though his family in the south urged him to tell her the truth, he did not.
I’m sure that Bobby thought he did a good job of hiding it. But Cheryl noticed things in Bobby that were not right.
She said that there was a piece missing. She spoke of his paranoia, never wanting to be in photographs, the sense that people were always watching him. But it was more than that.
In one of the more telling parts of the story, Cheryl says, “We had some beautiful lovemaking. But other than that, there wasn’t much affection. Not many hugs. Not much cuddling. Not much communication. I could only get so close and he’d shut down. Sometimes, when we were arguing, I’d be pouring myself out to him. And he’d just sit there with a scowl on his face. I thought it was me. I kept thinking: ‘Maybe he doesn’t want to be here.’… But it was hard. It wore me down. I cried so many tears about it. I remember during Christmas of 2014, I was on my knees in church, saying: ‘Lord, please, I can’t do this anymore.’ I begged God to change my husband’s heart. I’d reached the end of my rope.”
This is not a small thing. Feeling like your partner is not responding to you emotionally is not only incredibly hurtful in the moment, over time it is one of the greatest predictors of divorce. What Bobby was doing for decades was stonewalling Cheryl.
Stonewalling, as discovered by Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who specializes in divorce prediction and marriage stability, is “Withdrawing from the interaction, shutting down, or “checking out.” Habitually avoiding conflict, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors.”
It’s one of more damaging behaviors to engage in. And Cheryl put up with it for 40 years.
Eventually, Cheryl learned what that missing piece was. Love was arrested, she was publicly embarrassed as a result. But eventually she began working to get him released. And thankfully, she was successful. It was clear that not only was Love mistreated in prison. But the fact that he’d kept himself on the straight and narrow for so long proved that he was reformed.
When Cheryl first went to visit him in prison, this is the first time that he opens up to her. Churchy old folks would say, “God works in mysterious ways.” Because Bobby’s heart did change after it was forced to. And the thing that Cheryl wanted all along, emotional responsiveness from her husband, she finally had…just under some terrible circumstances.
But Cheryl worked to get him out.
And now, though they are together, she shared that she still has some resentments. “When we get in a fight, I’ll think, ‘This man better appreciate that I forgave him.’ But the thing is—I did forgive him…”
At the end of the story, you read the comments and people have described the whole thing as a love story. There are those who will argue that it’s not. But it is. The strength of forgiveness is love. It’s just the type of love story we’ve heard over and over again.
It’s the type that celebrates the rehabilitation of a Black man at the expense of a Black woman.
And while I certainly appreciate the story, the fact that they were able to work things out, and that Bobby is a free man. I want the Black community to place it in the proper context. It’s not relationship goals. And honestly, while Cheryl and Bobby seem happy together, I don’t think Black women should be applauding this type of narrative. Women shouldn’t have to deal with not only liars but emotionally unavailable men for decades. They shouldn’t have to marry men who are harboring life-altering secrets. Secrets are a trope in the Black community. But more than just a method of avoidance, they actually erode a person’s spirit and their relationships-as evidenced in Bobby’s behavior toward Cheryl.
The lie impacted everything and now that I’ve had time to sit with the real-life implications of this story, it’s made me wonder if Bobby was able to lie so convincingly and so long about his past and entire identity, were there other things he lied about over the years? Did his emotional unavailability extend to the relationship he shares with his children?
Cheryl is sure to point out that she has truly forgiven Bobby.
She said, “I did forgive him. And when I made that decision, I had to accept all the territory that came with it. I can’t make him feel that debt every day of his life. Because that’s not the marriage I want to be in. The whole world knows now. We’ve got no secrets. But I think this whole mess was for the better of things: better for me, better for the kids, and better for Bobby. He doesn’t have to hide anymore. He can look at me when I’m speaking. Not only that, he’s hearing me too. My voice is heard. I used to walk on eggshells. I used to just go along. But I told him one thing. I said: ‘Bobby, I’ll take you back. But I’m not taking a backseat to you no more.’ Because I got my own story to tell.“
Cheryl’s empowerment at the end of this tale is encouraging and inspiring. It’s never too late to advocate for yourself and have the life you desire. Now that Cheryl knows what she wants, how is Bobby going to break his lifetime of conditioning in order to give it to her? Would a man of his age and experience be willing to seek professional help to rewire himself?
It’s a lot to figure out. And given their history, I have faith that they might be able to do it. But now that Cheryl has proven that she’s willing to suffer and fight to preserve their marriage, I hope that Bobby is willing to do work on himself, to open up, to be available and change in order to do the same for her.
