All Articles Tagged "Ask a Very Smart Brotha"
I met an amazing man 13 years ago. We dated briefly (no sex)! Last year we hooked up (had sex)! He asked me to live with him and basically live happily ever after. He constantly showed and told me he loves me. I was afraid and ran home. The sex was awesome and the kisses were magical. I think about him daily. He thinks that i only want to use him for sexual purposes. My question is, what can i do to show him that I’m not using him, that i wanna continue to enjoy him when he have this mental issue?
– Don’t Know What To Do
Dear “Don’t Know What To Do”,
Reading this reminded me that, for my own professional/personal growth, I need to find another show to reference besides The Wire. Because the first and only thing I thought after reading this was that your problem “sounded like one of those good problems.” (ht to Marlo Stansfield) You and your “friend” clearly like each other a lot, but you just haven’t found a way yet to communicate that to each other in a language you both understand.
Oh, and here’s another thing: You’re actually in the right here. As much as you both seem to like each other, he does seem a bit, for lack of a better term, “extra,” and you’re right to want to take things a bit slower. Especially considering that you had that long period of time between seeing each other. Just tell him that you really do like him, and wish to see how this progresses, but also wish to take things slowly. Basically, date each other. And make sure this connection isn’t just an infatuation.
Check out another question and answer on the next page.
I met my husband in high school. I had our first kid my junior year, as a result of a fling after we had left our high school sweet hearts.
We broke up right before I found out I was pregnant. While I was hospitalized (water broke prematurely) he called me everyday and asked if I’d take him back. He had went off to college to play football and we were together long distance.
During that time a lot happened, I was homeless at one point and moved to where he was for a better life. 4 years of marriage and a second child later, I found out he dated someone for about a month (they only went on one date) while I was away. And he still maintained an on and off relationship with his high school sweet heart.
Sometimes when we’re really going through it he would contact her and do the whole “what if” thing and then blame it on drunkenness. I feel like I was just the plan B girl, because of our child together, and because we’re so young I always hear comments about how I trapped him (which I would never do). I just want to know why he would stick around so long if he had feelings for his ex or wanted to see other people. Did I trap him without even knowing it? He’s a great looking guy and played football so he has no problems getting anyone he wants… Just wondered why he would stick around if he really wanted to be somewhere else, knowing I would let him go if that’s what he wanted. Sorry this was so long I felt I had to explain everything in detail.
The high school fling that turned into the real thing
Dear High School Fling,
For several months last year, I was working on a side project with a few friends. I won’t go into any details, but we had a great idea, a great plan, and were committed to executing that plan. But, a couple months or so into the project, something just didn’t feel right. Didn’t know exactly what it was, but things didn’t feel the way we expected them to, and weren’t progressing the way we wanted them to. The simple decision would have been to just regroup and start over, but it was almost like none of us wanted to admit what was happening wasn’t working, because we had to much time and thought already invested in what we were doing.
In business terms, this is known as a sunk cost. This mindset, however, applies to many relationships, where good and well-intentioned people stay with each other just because they’ve already invested so much of themselves into it. What eventually happened with us — and what needs to happen with you — was a “come to Jesus” conversation where we finally admitted that things weren’t working and needed to change. Because as much as we wanted to respect the time we already put into that work, we were losing even more time — and wasting effort and energy — by not changing things. Fortunately you’re both young and literally have your entire lives ahead of you. And trust me, you don’t want to be having the same shoulda/woulda thoughts at 45 that you’re having at 25.
DY: No. I don’t believe in absolutes. People change. But, that change will more likely happen with someone else than with the person they’re currently cheating on.
Alawanda: I’m becoming more conscious and awake. My beliefs have changed alot, extremely pro black, black love, he takes it as racism. I trying to deprogram what has been brainwashed in my head for generations. Yes we are married. He is semi conscious should I keep my views to myself?
DY: You don’t have to see eye to eye with everything with your spouse. But, what’s the point of being married to someone if you can’t talk to them and be honest with how you feel about things?
Niecy: Why do men try to hide their feelings from us? And you mean everything to them! And we show them ours…
DY: Sometimes it’s because men have been socialized to believe that showing feelings/emotions is a sign of weakness. And sometimes it’s because there aren’t any feelings to hide.
Denise: Why do men leave me hanging in a text message? No response for days…
DY: Sporadic communication is usually a sign that he’s not very interested in you.
Nicole: I’m 41 years old and looking to start dating again…any tips?? It’s been about 2 years since I’ve been out on a date and I’m nervous!
DY: Relax. Have fun. Enjoy life. I realize this seems like simple advice, but dating should be fun. And you won’t have fun dating unless you’re already having fun with your life.
Rae: Is it ok to have sex on the first date and can it develop into a relationship?
DY: Yes and yes. Just remember, make that decision when you’re comfortable making it. Not when you feel like you “have to.”
Allisha: How long is too long to date someone with no commitment?
DY: Depends on you. From my own experience, though, I pretty much knew how I felt about someone — at least in terms of commitment — after a few weeks of consistent dating.
Taye: When you truly like someone, but can’t tell the guy because he said he is not ready for a relationship because he has been hurt in the past…What should you do?
DY: Believe that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.
Hello. In one of your recent writings, you said that most relationships (62%, I think) need to end. I know you were joking, but you’ve said similar things before. I don’t get it. I thought the point of advice was to help people in their relationships, not end them. Didn’t you just get married yourself?Confused about your comments
There were some very pressing relationship questions being posed today on our Facebook live chat. See what Damon Young, of Very Smart Brothas, had to say to these women in response.
Aisha: If you’ve been dating a guy for about six months and you haven’t been introduced to his family, are you the side chick, or is he just not that into you?
DY: Big difference between “dating” someone and being in a committed relationship with them. Which describes your situation best?
Should you suspect your husband of cheating if he hasn’t had sex with you in 7 months and seems unbothered by it? It’s only an issue if you (the woman) brings it up, and his reply is ‘Well, you don’t try either…’
Sexless in the City
Dear Sexless in the City,
There are myriad reasons why your husband might not be interested in having sex with you. Stress, depression, and physical injury can have a negative effect on a man’s sex drive. Maybe he has a naturally low libido. Maybe he is legitimately tired of always having to initiate sex. And maybe you’ve gone without having sex for so long that doing it again creates anxiety.
One thing is clear, though: There is something seriously wrong with your relationship. Going seven months without sex — and not making an effort to find any resolution — is very likely a symptom of a more serious issue. Although sex has its obvious physical attributes, sex is also a form of communication; the canary in the relationship coal mine. And a relationship where you refuse to communicate about this lack of communication can’t be fulfilling.
You need to have a serious and honest — and it’s the time for 100% honesty, not the 65-80% honesty often practiced — conversation about the state of your relationship. Find out what’s making you both unhappy/unfilled, and seriously consider if it just might be time to go your separate ways. Because, as “lonely” as singledom is often portrayed, there’s no lonelier place than a relationship where your partner doesn’t want to be with you.
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.
Victoria: How long is to long to be in a relationship without being or discussing marriage?
DY: That’s up to you to decide. If you think it’s too long, it’s too long. That said, from what I’ve observed, adult couples who get married seem to do it relatively quickly (within two or three years of first dating). You have your exceptions, obviously, but those are rare.