You Want Me To Do What!? 9 Very Random, Rachet And Reckless Sex Positions You Should Pass On For Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2013  |  

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While Valentine’s Day is a great deal about showing love to your partner, getting flowers and candy, and all that sweet Hallmark jazz, just as you get candy for Halloween and gifts for Christmas, you get some sex for Valentine’s Day. Well, hopefully you will, if not, that’s cool too. But in your enthusiasm about the day of love, don’t find yourself in a position you’ll regret. Like being booty to booty with your man or falling on your head in an attempt to do a handstand to assume a sexual position. Sometimes it’s nice to keep it simple, and other times it’s nice to spice things up. But don’t jack things up (especially your body) when trying to show your wild side. So if your man wants you to try these nine moves (some have links to actual photos of the move), as they say in D.A.R.E., just say no.

*Be prepared for some really PG talk and references to the female and male anatomy, because WordPress doesn’t play that…

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The Sacred Arch

From the name, it doesn’t sound all that bad, right? Well, in reality, it’s not all that bad…if you’re like one of the most flexible people on earth with a high tolerance for pain and bulls**t. What’s supposed to happen is that the woman bends over backwards with her hands on the floor, and to help you get some extra semblance of support, you wrap your leg around his back. By doing so, your man ends up with access to the “honey pot” so he can penetrate, and you, on the other hand, end the night with a bad back ache, all because you were trying to be adventurous. If you’re bad, you’re more than welcome to try the move, but have some Advil on standby after the fact….

confused black woman

The Abe Lincoln

This has nothing to do with going and seeing the movie Lincoln, and trust, there’s nothing alluring about that. Instead, it has to do with one partner looking like Abraham Lincoln after the sexual experience has ended. Probably the dumbest sex position I’ve read about…today…it’s a winner for the person who cares a little bit about hygiene, but not really. What’s supposed to happen is that before sex, either you shave your partner’s nether regions or he does it himself. He collects the hair in a bag, and after “reaching his peak” your beau is to release on your face–and then pour the hair on it to make you look like you have Lincoln’s beard. This plan would be okay if we could stop the whole thing after the shaving process. Some men know they need to mow their lawns badly…like five-months-ago-would-have-been-nice badly.

sad black couple in bed

The Downward Motion

Don’t get it twisted, ya’ll. Just because this one doesn’t have a complex or freak-tastic name doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.

What’s expected of the man? Just stand against the wall. What’s expected for the woman? Get into a handstand and rest your feet against the wall with your legs bent. As the blood rushes to your head, he holds your hips to keep you up and goes to town. I don’t know about you, but any upside down moments for me tend to make me want to faint, but if you can take all the force of the penetration without passing out or worse, falling on your damn head, then kudos to you.

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The Pair Of Tongs

Oooooh child, this one only works for those who’ve been working hard on their biceps and triceps for a while. A classic Kama Sutra move (not all of those things make sense), it’s more about the acrobats than getting that good loving. You, the hard-working woman, will somehow find yourself, one arm on the ground, doing a side plank (yoga style), while homeboy holds your leg and waist. If that wasn’t enough, he stands over your other leg and gets in where he fits in (if you know what I mean). This isn’t an impossible move, but real talk, how long could you truly hold this position? Sex is already exercise, you don’t literally have to be in the bedroom doing one-arm push ups…

See what this one looks like here.

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Twisted Doggy Style

What is supposed to be hot and alluring looks like your man is twerk dancing on you while you are bent over looking for a lost contact. The twisted doggy style can be used to penetrate in your vag or in the back, but it’s said to be more suited for the latter. You get down on your knees and your man bends down over your a**, goes in over that hole at a downward angle and then goes in and out, up and down. It’s a whole lot of booty on booty action, and yes, it looks as crazy as it sounds. But hey, if you’re down, do the damn thing!

"Couple in bed pf"

The Triple Lindy

It’s just like getting on a swing ya’ll! Or not. Maybe it’s best to describe this as doing the superman with your legs wrapped around your partner. You can describe it as a lot of things, but I look at it as a disaster waiting to happen. For the buff and beautiful, the woman starts by being bent over, and then the man picks her up from behind. Said woman wraps her legs around her man’s waist, aligning her ladybits with his junk, and then she grabs hold to his arms as he wraps them around her stomach. Take a look at this move, here.  You’re essentially asking for more back problems with this move ladies, and your man needs to be a bodybuilder for a living if you expect to ride this one out for more than a minute. So if your guy’s body is on Urkel status, do not attempt.

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The Ice Cream Stand

This one sounds like fun, but it’s no fun for your ladybits. You’re expected to somehow wind up with your legs in the air (the preferred method of finding yourself like this is by way of handstand, but that’s a hell no), and in the end, your man puts ice cream down there and is expected to eat it…out. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with using edible products and actual food to entice a man to head down south, but ice cream!? One, can you say brain freeze? And two, can you say sticky arse mess!? Stick with the simple foods and leave the frozen goods for insertion in the freezer only.

woman shocked PF

Face-to-Face Fandango

If you’re looking to avoid the pain of a Charlie Horse, know that this move is sure to give you one. A nice aching one in the calf! The position works when the woman lays on her back and then tucks her legs underneath her (you probably need to stretch first). The man basically takes it missionary from there, and as a writer from Cosmopolitan who tried it says, “I felt like I was going to dislocate both of my knees. I had a flash of showing up at work with double leg casts and when people would ask what happened, having to respond, “I fandangoed. Face to face!” while they all looked on in pity.” This one’s for the most flexible chick out there, the rest of us knee-cracking-when-we-bend-down folks need to sit this one out. See what it looks like, here.

Crazy dog

Dog In A Bathtub

So what to do with his…uh..oh well, balls? If you try this “dog in a bathtub” move, they have somewhere to go. While engaging in sex, somehow, the man is supposed to have double the fun by putting his sack into your a**hole. Of course, you can’t really keep them in for more than a hot minute if he’s working with the vag, so there’s no real point in doing this move whatsoever. And honestly, it just sounds like “somebody” is trying to be greedy. Let’s just stick to one thing at a time folks!
Have you tried any of these moves before?

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  • wth

    Def a blk ppl mag.

  • jim r

    This list is ridiculous. the abe lincoln is just a variation of gorilla mask, and there a million positions that you can look up on urban dictionary. dirty sanchez, clown face, rusty trombone, Cleveland steamer, donkey punch, superman (as in “superman that ho'”), red wings, pink sock and the filthy earL (it’s regional to the southwest, where the man finishes in his partners ear) just to name of the more popular ones. I wonder why the article didn’t go full frontal and just write on all those positions.

  • DaTruf

    Number 10? How in the hell is he supposed to get his balls in your ***hole? I mean, exactly how BIG is your ***hole to be able to fit some balls in it without a considerable amount of work and pain on the guy’s part. I mean, does he need to try to figure a way to cram ’em in there, or are you so wide that they automatically just land in there? Either scenario seems unlikely, gross, and/or painful. Sounds like some more made up unrealistic bull. NOBODY, and I mean nobody, does this or HAS done this.

    • Dave Herrington

      As implausible as this sounds, with the nutcases out there, someone has tried this, remember the pet shop fad? Still this seems painful, my balls aren’t big at all, but even than I can’t see stretching out my wife’s b-hole that much.

  • Guest

    The Abe Lincoln is not real. That’s some ish made up by a 12 year old boy who has never seen a pair of boobs, much less had sex. As a matter of fact, half of these positions are suspect. Nobody does most of this ish really. Seriously.

  • Whippit

    I occasionally come onto this website, by mistake, and am endlessly amused by the antics, concerns and the scribbled hooting of The Lesser Hominids.
    What planetary smears.
    Got extirpation ?

  • Mr. Miz

    1. What idiot would think that would be fun?

    2. If a woman’s willing to allow you to release on her face, why would you want to ruin it?
    Moreover, what makes you think you can improve on that?

    3. Yeah, ‘cause even though already having a headache’s a time-honored excuse, giving her one in the act won’t shut things down.

    4. Just have her lie down on the bed with her hips at the edge; much easier for her which means she’s happy.

    5. This one’s more effort than its worth.

    6. Again, just skip the hernia in waiting and just have her lie down on the bed.

    7. First, this whole handstand thing’s idiotic. Second, if anything’s sticky, he hasn’t done his job.

    8. This doesn’t sound remotely fun. At all….

    9. This doesn’t really sound plausible. In the 1 hole maybe but the 2; I think not.

  • Kiesha Pinky Makins

    OKKKKK WOW

  • Taneesha Culture Clash Thomas

    lmao!!! next time i need to see pictures because some of this stuff i can’t even imagine

  • queen

    omd. twisted doggy where the guy is twerking??? geez could the description be any worse?

  • All of these are effing hilarious!!! I literally laughed out loud at my desk pretty hard!!!

  • lmfaoooooo abe lincoln !! what? that is too funny

  • iHeartMarijuana

    What the hell. Most of these seem pointless. Like someone wrote a book on “How to Have Sex Wrong.” Although that Fandango thing doesn’t seem so bad. And the one where he was picking her up backwards didn’t seem bad either.

  • bigdawgman

    I think people who ain’t gettin’ none and watch too much pron all day long come up with some of these. That Abe and the dog???? Only people who have never had any would think this would be something to do.

    • Mike

      For the universal truth of life in 3 pages, Google “TruthContest” and Click on “The Present”./

  • bigdawgman

    Well that last one has my boys hurting for real. Thanks for ruining v-day for me $%^^&#$%%s!!

  • Nope

    Most of these require a certain level of physical fitness anyway. If you get winded by sex, then don’t even bother reading any of these.

  • IllyPhilly

    This is sh!t people just say. Wild raunchy sex for most is just more than one person with the lights on. Real freaks are not paying attention to this stupidity.

  • Kahekili

    Everything is ‘ratchet’ nowadays. I can’t wait until that word is no longer used in this manner.

  • Ms. Kameria

    What????

  • hollyw

    Omg all of these were HORRIBLE…way to pick out the most uncomfortable, twisted, and gross positions from the Kama Sutra Manual, MN lol!

    • Dave Herrington

      Wasn’t that the point of having an article titled 9 positions you should never do?

  • hiswomanandlovingit

    Unless you gape the dog in a bathtub thing doesn’t even sound like it would be pleasant for either person. You know what, I have just thought waaaay too much into that. I am gonna go find some mind bleach.

    • Mr. Miz

      I don’t know that that could be pleasant even with a gape, especially since it seems like a gape’s hard to hold when there’s any sort of stimulation there.

  • ctp

    gross act.