So What If I Don’t Cook? This Is For Women Who Aren’t Obsessed With What Men Want In A Wife

July 11th, 2012 - By Alissa Henry
"black woman cooking"

Source: Photobucket.com

What do Carrie Bradshaw, Rachel Greene, Beyonce, Madonna and Michelle Obama have in common? At one time or another these real and fictional characters have all admitted they don’t (or don’t like to) cook. Recently, I’ve quit that club and started cooking for fun.

It’s weird because I was definitely one of those non-cooking single women that single male bloggers bash every chance they get. Unfazed by the opinion of men I don’t know, I held fast to my thought that if a man was looking to date Rachael Ray then he was looking at the wrong one. I could make a great bowl of cereal and my vegetables steamed in the microwave were delicious, but like Carrie Bradshaw, I kept sweaters in my stove and I was perfectly content with that.

It wasn’t that I couldn’t cook or hated cooking. I just wasn’t convinced that cooking for one was cheaper, healthier or the best use of my time. At first, my stance was nonchalant and not completely thought through. However, the more it was contested by men I wasn’t even dating, the more that I didn’t want to cook.

People who knew I wasn’t regularly firing up the skillet to feed potential suitors would ask me incredulously, “Well what are you going to do when you get married?” as if cooking was wifely duty number one. Cooking on a regular basis solely because that’s what married women do didn’t served as motivation for me anyway.

You see, I believe that the expectation for women to treat their boyfriends (official and unofficial) like husbands is problematic. Dating me was not marrying me and using the oft-repeated argument that a “wife should cook” as a reason why I should cook seemed ridiculous considering that I was not a wife nor necessarily angling for a ring.

The women who co-signed this nonsense always seemed to be those long-suffering girlfriends, foaming at the mouth for an engagement ring yet unaware of the fact that they were on a multi-year audition, checking off everything on their respective boyfriends’ arbitrary “what I want in a wife” list without a ring in sight. I figured the more excellent way was to ignore them and continue eating my steamed peas and carrots while spending my time and money how I saw fit. If I got married in the process, great, but my boyfriends knew that cooking was not high on my priority list and I refused to play pretend.

I use the cooking example because that was my thing, but I understand that there are some women who like to cook and don’t do it to prove that they’re “wife material”. It’s not about cooking at all. It’s about the fallacy that a single woman’s actions should always be in line with what would be considered “wife material”. Over and over women are admonished to lose weight, learn to cook, dial down the clubbing, step up your shoe game, get a graduate degree, buy an iPhone, don’t make more money than your man, stop wearing acrylics, sew in some weave, and the list goes on.

That’s exhausting!

It also implies that men are all the same and all want the same things in a woman. There’s no compulsory list of what men want in a wife because men (like women) want different things and, in fact, the same man may want different things depending on his current maturity level. If I am working overtime trying to be what this guy wants, then what happens when I meet the next guy who wants something totally different? I’m back to square one without a clue what I want.

I figured that I’d rather just be who I am and meet a man who is compatible with me without struggling to meet the evasive “standard wife material” bar. Besides, I believe that the men who insist that a single woman should be acting like his wife, are men who want a wife without having to get married. What part of the game is that?

When I did get engaged then married, I didn’t intend to start cooking, it just happened. Marriage is a stronger motivator than I ever expected!  In fact, I’ve found myself suddenly doing all sorts of things that I’m guessing a wife should do. In that way, getting married has made me discover a better version of myself. My husband got more than he bargained for and that’s always a nice surprise. As for the men who may have passed me over because I rarely boiled an egg back then?

Their loss.

What do you think? Do you think single women are pressured to make sure their actions are in line with what would be considered “wife material”?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink

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  • Kristina Tramel

    Both my husband and I can cook and take turns doing so when one is tired or just plain don’t feel like it.

    I plan on teaching my son how to cook also so when he’s an adult he can take care of himself and he wouldn’t have to eat fast food all the time.

  • http://www.facebook.com/chelseawi Chelsea Patrice Wiley

    @ Julia hahaha pasta is my specialty! well tacos also…okay anything that requires just ground beef…Idc Im 29 Im single and I can cook but, I just prefer not to except for picnics with the fam. My last relationship he complained so I started being the dishwasher, it worked out though, he went to culinary school and hated doing the dishes lol

  • honesty jones

    This is ridiculous; everyone is held to a marriage material standard both men and women. Men are expecting to “be a man” and women to be a woman; what’s most important is that you toss that crap out the window and find someone compatible that’s willing to grow with you as your relationship ages.

  • separationisnatural

    A woman looves to cook and take care of a REAL MAN. Most of the comments here sound like women who r tired of men not stepping up to the plate. Im a muslim. And muslim men are REQUIRED to provide solely. My husband is a REAL man pays ALL the bills keeps the finances together great leader protecter he’s deeply spiritual etc. When we got married I ran to the kitchen to prepare meals clean etc. But I wuda looked at him with utter disgust if he was not being a real man yet wanted me to cook and clean etc. Women MUST learn to cook tho b/c we shud be the first doctor in our homes. Knowing how to heal our families with hood clean healthy foods.

    • separationisnatural

      “Good” clean foods not Hood. I hate autocorrect!! LOL

  • FattyKimye

    I’ve been cooking since I was 10 years old and I love to cook instead of going to fast food places and wasting my money there on unhealthy foods. My fave thing to cook is whole chicken and meatloaf. Plus my boyfriend (who is white) loves my cooking and says tells me that I’m the only woman in his life who doesn’t let him go hungry. I credit my mom, grandma and my ex-husband’s mom for teaching me how to throw down in the kitchen

    • separationisnatural

      Amen!!! You don’t know if ppl wash their hands or nothing when u eat out. Yikes! Ugghh! We DO NOT eat out in my household. Only every Blue moon. Or dire emergency.

  • black boy

    ladies please explain something to me. why is it ok for a woman to want a man to play the traditional male husband role, but woman don’t want to play the traditional wife role? I just don’t understand that

    • Guest1234

      What r u smoking? When have you ever met a woman nowadays who doesn’t work? Men sure don’t mind us bringing home a paycheck, but pull out that “traditional wife” crap to force us into the kitchen, too.

      Men don’t play the traditional role either. That would mean bringing home enough bacon that we don’t need to work. Ya’ll ain’t doing that. So put a sock in it!

      And I don’t know a single man who would prefer his wife stay at home cooking dinner to a wife with a career of her own. This is all just a bunch of nonsense. Sit down. You’re embarrassing your gender.

      • Black Boy

        First off as a man I don’t need your partnership I can pay my own bills. I don’t expect my woman to cook for me every night. I actually like cooking for my woman and kids. Yea my woman works but I pay most of the bills, so if I can’t get a hot meal every now then what am I getting out of this?

    • Kay

      Maybe cooking and cleaning was the “traditional wife role” in the 50′s but it’s 2012 and in the words of sweet Brown “ain’t no body got time for dat”.

      • Faith

        Well Kay, things aren’t getting any better. We are going to need to make time as a way to save dollars and health. Everyone in a household should learn how to cook, as things are going to get a whole lot worse before getting better. We could actually stand to learn a few things from generations before ours. They actually knew how to survive tough times.

  • Kay

    I have to agree with Kayla! I cook, clean, and keep myself together. I don’t do this for a man, I am single and live alone. Honestly, every single woman should cook because you have to feed your damn self and you save money. EVERY woman should keep their house clean because your dirtiness is a reflection of your hygiene! Womanliness is cleanliness! I have a friend who is gorgeous, she keeps her wave together, and always looks good. However, when you step in her house its disgusting. I don’t think you should do things to get a man but ladies, do it for yourself!

  • cocochanel31

    I agree soo much! I always say its not always what you do to a person but how you make them feel! If all it took to get a ring was cooking skills they why are there soooo many single, cooking their behind off sistas!!!??? None of my male friends settled down because their girls cooked,they settled down because they wanted to! Simple as that!

  • NiceNasty

    I mean to each it’s own. And she did say that she didn’t know how to cook, jus that she didn’t want to. So some of ya’ll that’s jus going in on her because you think she’s jus lazy and don’t want to learn how to cook need to back up and reread the article. It really annoys me when people want to jump down your throat because you don’t do what they feel like you should. I mean some men don’t do yard work, or know how to fix a damn thing so they pay someone to do it for them, and that’s totally fine. But a woman who won’t/maybe can’t cook and decide to pay someone for it people get their panties all in a bunch. I mean come on it’s not that serious, and all of the “it’s healtier,” maybe so but not really. Unless your growing your own food 100% then you don’t really know if what your eating is more healtier are not. Cause when you buy it at the store, please believe that it has touch various hands and objects before it made it to you. And to be honest I think sometimes that maybe worst if not one and the same. I mean think about it the people who package the food may have NOT washed they hands or they may cough, sneeze, yawn with out covering their mouth, drop it on the floor, etc. But all of those germs set in the food while it’s being shipped from here to there collecting more germs before it reachs you hands. Now you take it how and no matter how you clean/season it those germs are still there as you eat it, and still make you sick. The point that I’m trying to make it that cooking at home still harm you jus like fast food can. Me personally i think you can eat whatever you want, but it’s all in how much you eat of it, and how much you execrise. Those are the real keys to being healthy, and there are something you jus can’t stop cause it my be in your genes. so I feel like whatever you want to do it’s all up to you. But don’t bash the next person because they don’t share the same outlook on somethings. Jus saying!!!!

  • FromUR2UB

    I’ve found that cooking for a family is more practical, and cheaper, than eating out. Cooking for a single person is probably not as practical because:

    1) it’s difficult to make some dishes in single servings
    2) for those times when you have more than a single serving, you may not feel like eating the same dish over several days until it’s consumed, which means you end up throwing it out. All foods don’t freeze well.

    A roasted whole chicken is both satisfying and economical, because you get a stock that can be frozen and later used to flavor vegetables, rice or noodles, and the leftover chicken makes good sandwiches, soups and salads.

    My biggest concern with eating out are the sodium levels, and if I think about it, the cleanliness of the food. But, I’ve begun to wonder if the money saved by buying and cooking groceries, isn’t spent on your energy bill when you use your stove and oven. I haven’t taken the time to compare my energy costs when I’ve alternated between cooking over a period, and eating out. Most people usually cook or don’t cook based upon what works for them, individually. That shouldn’t be used as some measure for spouse value, though admittedly, I like a man who knows how to cook.

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