You’re Not Idris: Why The Man You’re Not Immediately Attracted To Could Be Your Perfect Match

July 9, 2012  |  

Men can grow on women. I know that probably sounds like the least romantic thing you can think of; but in many cases, more than you may think, it’s true. But sometimes when a woman doesn’t get that warm and fuzzy feeling from a man right away, she may quickly dismiss the thought of ever giving him a chance. I used to be one of those women but soon realized that even the man who doesn’t immediately give me butterflies has the potential of becoming someone I fall in love with; and not giving someone a chance based on an initial feeling like butterflies or sparks that you hear about in the movies might actually block me from meeting a good man.

To some this may sound like settling, especially if it causes you to ditch some of the shallow prerequisites you may want in a man. You know them: must be over six feet tall, must look like he plays sports even if he doesn’t, and could easily pass for Idris Elba. Some men don’t get a chance simply based on their height or looks. And while every woman is certainly entitled to her preferences, it doesn’t hurt to give a nice guy a chance.

My last boyfriend probably lacked all of the physical requirements listed above. While he definitely wasn’t unattractive, I just wasn’t attracted to him in the beginning. And even after the first date and further conversation, I still wasn’t impressed. Honestly, if I had met him under different circumstances, I probably would have never seen him again and just chalked it up to lack of chemistry; but because we had mutual friends, we ended up seeing each other more often.

These sporadic encounters soon led to another date and more conversation. Eventually, I realized he possessed many of the characteristics I wanted in a man. He was funny, ambitious, spiritual, and he wasn’t broke. Plus, we really had a lot of fun together. You’re probably thinking, if he was so great and we had so much fun together, why is he my ex? We grew apart due to other issues, but we were together for a couple of years and are still cordial friends. He might not have ended up being Mr. Right, but it was a time of my life I enjoyed and don’t regret.

Since then, I have met other men that I am not initially attracted to on a romantic level. Surprisingly, I’ve ended up dating a few of them beyond a friendship level, even exploring the idea of a committed relationship. Just the same, some of the men I was immediately attracted to and thought I had a spark with haven’t lasted past the first phone call, proving that the initial chemistry isn’t always the deciding factor.

I’ve talked to many married women who claim that they were not initially attracted to their husbands, some couldn’t even stand them at first; but somehow they ended up giving these guys a shot and they’ve been together ever since.  This could very well have to do with the fact that women usually value different things in a relationship than men and can often forgo five-star looks for five-star treatment and a good heart. Although we have our list of physical wants in a man, many times we will disregard them if a man possesses the other things we value. To some this could be financial stability or great conversation and personality. To others it could be emotional support.

Whatever your thing is that you value in a relationship, many times you can’t tell off of an initial encounter, or a few come-and-go conversations if a guy could be a good match. Seriously, if the man isn’t so bad even if he doesn’t appear to be your ‘type’, it doesn’t hurt to let him buy you dinner at least once. From there, you can figure out if you guys repel one another, or if he’s just what the doctor ordered. You never know what might be missing out on if you pass on every guy who doesn’t immediately light your fire…

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