Don’t Get It Twisted: 7 Big Misconceptions About Virgins

March 26, 2012  |  
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As if dating wasn’t interesting enough, imagine the look on a guy’s face when a sistah breaks this news to him: “I’m a virgin.” The reaction given is usually similar to the one given when a person (to be specific, black person) says they’ve never seen The Color Purple (say WHAAAAAAAAT!?). Yeah, in their face, it’s like they’re reaching for the right thing to say, but the fact that they’re stunned keeps them pretty speechless. You actually can find a much worse reaction when you tell other women about your virgin status. They’re initially pretty confused or say “awwwwww” (like you’re a bunny)  and then play like it’s all good: “But seriously, that’s awesome!” However, we know inside they’re all thinking, “That couldn’t be me…”

In a society that is driven by sex, to claim yourself one of the few people around who passes on doing it comes with a lot of side eyes and misconceptions. I thought I’d take a moment to clear a few of these things up.

You’re a Prude-ish Ice Queen

No worries, if you talk about sex, we won’t hiss like a cat at the concept. And if you touch us in the club, we probably won’t scream, but you might get the crazy face. The misconception that because you haven’t actually engaged in sex means that you’re NOT sexual is pretty ridiculous. Missy once said it best: “Have you ever been in the mind of a virgin? It gets hot and curious…”Assuming folks don’t look at guys in a “I’m low-key undressing you with my eyes” type of way or get tempted when dating one is not right. Virgins can be very sexual people, they just haven’t given “it” up yet. Don’t get it twisted boo.

That Every Virgin Is Waiting Until Marriage

Every virgin is different. While one might be holding on to their virginity for religious reasons and indeed want to wait until marriage, others might be opting out of getting it in because they’re waiting for “that” special person or a “right” time. You hear enough stories about people regretting who they gave their virginity to and saying it was horrible and hey, sometimes that makes you want to wait a bit longer. And also, some might know themselves and their emotions and think that if they have sex, they could get too attached to the guy they laid down with (aka, crazy). Best to just wait for the right one and not the one who will be too done with you right after…

That You’re Desperate

With that, I’d also like to acknowledge the perception that virgins are desperate. I’ve seen enough comedies to know that virgins are looked at as the drunk chicks at the bar trying to throw their V-card on to someone. Anyone for that matter. I’m sure there are a few who get to a certain age or point and want to be anything but a virgin, but a lot of us are pretty cool with things the way they are. When it’s time, you’ll know, so until then, I think I’ll keep my panties on instead of trying to throw them at the first guy who gives me the eye because I want to be “normal.” Whatever that means…

You Don’t Talk About Sex

Friends and associates shouldn’t feel like they have to be mum around you about their exploits just because you aren’t having sex. Just because someone is a virgin doesn’t mean they are blind to the fact that sex is everywhere: in every song, every movie, in every ad and more, so if you want to talk about, let’s talk about it! Most of my friends aren’t virgins, but they know they can talk to me about anything (including scandalous ish with sordid details) if and when they need to. Virgins are still very capable of being an ear open to friends who want to brag or talk about sexual issues, and we’re pretty capable of doing so without judging. So people, don’t feel like you have to ask to talk about the topic before every conversation. If it makes that virgin uncomfortable, I’m pretty sure they’ll let you know. Do you boo boo…DO YOU!

You Haven’t Experienced ANYTHING

While you may have not engaged in sexual intercourse, that doesn’t mean a virgin hasn’t engaged in other sexual activities. Seriously. Some do…”take care of themselves” if you know what I mean, and others do everything BUT sex (but then again, that depends on what you classify as sex too). That pretty much plays into why I said that virgins can be sexual people. We might not be ready to go to THAT point with someone yet, but that doesn’t mean some of us haven’t tried our hand at a sexual foreplay or own a toy or two…

That You’re Not REAL a Woman…(whatever that means)

No one has ever said this to me, but someone told me that this is said often to her. Comments that claim we aren’t really living until we’ve had sex are pretty random and sound like this: “When you get some, you won’t be worried about ___.” “She just needs some d*** and she won’t act like that.” Oh, okay then, thanks for setting me straight. Say, what you want, but if you’re paying your own bills and living on your own, I’d say you’re a pretty real, non-Pinocchio-esque woman.

Source: posh24.com

That Virgins “Look” A Certain Way

“You don’t look like a virgin.” Say what? I guess because you choose to wear skinny jeans, tight tops and show a little leg from time to time you just look like you’re down for whatever. Not true. Just as it isn’t true that virgins have a certain nerdy or “stay away from me” look. I’m assuming people think that we like to be covered up from head to toe, shop for turtlenecks all year round and don’t like going out. And on top of that, that we’re either really angry, really funny looking, or don’t know how to be social creatures (we must keep to ourselves).  Once again, every virgin is different, and there’s no set look or behavior that classifies us all. Like most stereotypes, ones for virgins don’t apply to everyone.

What are misconceptions you often hear about virgins?

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  • Mwahh

    WONDERFUL ARTICLE!!! I keep telling myself the wait is worth it and my husband will get treated like a king and with purity! I defy all the “virgin” stereotypes and I just want to applaud all my young people who are trying to be pure, good things always come to those who wait!

  • Jazziijk

    I appreciate this being put out there.  I just wished that more young ladies (teens) heard this message instead of the complete opposite that’s being drummed into their heads via music and videos and many of them feel pressured to do it whether they want to or ready or not. 
    This article doesn’t just apply to virgins.  There are some of us (like me) who aren’t virgins but who have decided, for various reasons, to abstain from sex…until.  I haven’t slept with anyone in nearly 10 years.  I get teased by friends (in a good natured way) but they also say they respect my decision and my ability to hold out for what I want.  You don’t have to give in to someone just because they want you to.  It takes more will power and maturity to hold out than it does to give in. 

  • ok i like  this article i am virgin 28 yr old i do know about sex i think sex is something for specail person or even  when u get marry i do read about sex so one day if i would have sex i know what i am gettin into

  • Ain’t nothing wrong with being a virgin!! Take your time don’t rush!

  • pilar

    I’m 24 years old and still a virgin and proud of it!! recently a friend of who hadn’t seen me in about 4 months commented on how “thick” i’d gotten in my hips and asked if i were still a virgin. i thought it was interesting that gaining a little weight has anything to do with having sex..lol 

    i loved this article and it’s definitely on point!!

  • <3

    Man, I wish I would’ve waited. I’m practicing celibacy, but it doesn’t even compare. *deep sigh*

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  • Guest

    How sad our society has become that someone who’s 18 or 21 and still a virgin is considered “abnormal”.  Wait for the right person and do what you know is right.  There are far too many people who are messed up because they had sex too soon or with the wrong person.

    However, if you are 40 and still a virgin, then it can get to a point where it’s a psychological thing and maybe there is a fear of intimacy or something. 

  • Illbop

    *reads comments*

    Sooooooo…let me address the elephant in the room here;  there SURE are a lot of ‘virgins’ out there.

    Lie much?

    • Chanda

      I was thinking the same thing. I don’t doubt some posters are virgins but some of y’all are just jumping the virgin bandwagon and are lying.

    • really???

      jealous much?

  • Jaleesa_harris

    Wow! This is so helpful. I’m doing a research project for my grad class on the very same subject except I’m focusing more on the medias interpretations of virgins. I swear this is what I try to explain to people. They act like virgins are scientific studies. Smh.

  • Marci

    The article is dead on. It would honestly be cool to find a guy who is a virgin because it would be just as God meant it to be. There are guys who have been with many women who still don’t know what they’re doing. Trust me, I’ve heard. So that’s not the case.Who better to learn and grow with sexually than the one you’ve waited for. That would be amazing.

    BET did an article almost a decade ago on virgins and I remember there were two sisters ages 23 and 28 that were virgins who had just gotten married at the time. It meant so much to their husband that they gave their wives special gifts.  A real man wouldn’t be afraid of that, they would appreciate it.

    In today’s society, you see so many giving it up because they don’t know their value. Why squander everything just to be a part of the crowd? I remember being 16-17 and other girls telling me that they “couldn’t do it. Why not, at 17? Do you know how many women have told me that they wished they would have waited? PLENTY! And people who spread themselves around are usually searching to fill a void or cover wounds. A guy once told me that he went through tens of women in one month because his girlfriend broke his heart. It’s always something.

    And I find out that a lot of times I know a lot more about sex than people who are having it on a regular basis because I ask questions and educate myself. I want to know what this or that is for, why certain things happen and I make sure I seek the right resources(especially medical professional friends).

    It’s a misconception that you must be a virgin because you can’t get anyone. There are people who aren’t considered to be universally attractive that aren’t virgins and there are some of the most attractive people you’ve ever seen that are. It’s about what they value about themselves. I have friends who share those same values and we survived college and graduate school. So it’s doable for anyone. To each their own.

  • Michelle

    This article has me written all over it.
    I am a virgin, but I am very sexual (I own a plethora of toys). 
    I’m just waiting for the right person and nothing is wrong with that. 

    • Guest

      Can you really be a virgin if you use toys? Cuz I DO NOT believe so.

      • Chanda

        Yes you can. Same thing applies to wearing a tampon or getting fingered.

        • Hello

           No I don’t believe that…aren’t toys used for strictly sexual purposes? it doesn’t make sense to me..i believe if anything is going inside for strictly sexual purposes you are no longer a virgin. Basically keep things out of there.

  • Hrdblkman

    Sorry to disappoint, but most virgins I met were ( every single one) was ugly. Take Jordan sparks for example, she’s one ugly fat blk woman. The reason why most virgins are virgins because most men aren’t checking for them.

    • Chanda

      That may be true in some cases but men do check for virgins (or at least the younger ones) because they know she’s inexperienced and are trying to be her first. I was one for the longest time and that didn’t stop guys from trying to talk to me. That’s why I put up the post about the curvier virgins. I was speaking from experience.

    • Tagirl

       Please, you see guys out with some of the most unattractive females and they’re getting it on. Many times, the guys they are with are gorgeous. Everyone is attracted to someone. Everyone isn’t shallow. So I don’t believe that all. And Jordan is a beautiful young lady.

    • really?

      not so. this might apply to relationships but because men will sleep with anything, this doesn’t compute with virginity.

  • Greentea516

    Great piece, it seems like virgins are a rare commodity and as part of that community, stay strong my sisters and brothers! I interviewed one of my friends about being a mid-20s male virgin for B.L.I.S.S.: http://www.blissforsingles.com/2012/03/singles-profile-emmanuel-allen.html

  • Tmac

    Virginity is usually the parents ideal kids are burdened with it. If a person doesn’t have sex by a certain age it affects them for life, they never really experience sex fully, so virginity might be cool until say 21 after that it’s time to get rid of it asap.

    • Ya

      STUPIDEST thing i EVER HEARD!!!!!!

    • Lenae1992

       How do you know?

  • MeThatswho

    Well I’m HAPPY somebody said it!!!
    Clarke hit on all the misconceptions in my opinion. I’ve gotten to a point that I just don’t bring it up to anyone, not even my closest friends.I too, do not want to deal with the judgement, or the assumption by people that they can’t speak to me on certain topics.

    And guys really have to stop doing the blank/stunned stare when you tell them. That’s the worst with all the awkward siliences lol

    Great article 🙂

  • Team nymphis

    ? Is a lez virgin

  • Team nymphis

    Lesbian virgin???

  • Team nymphis

    What’s A lesbian virgin?

  • Team nymphis

    Could someone xplain to me when a lesbian is no longer a virgin.im so confused.is it up until she has a taste test or is that still 4play????

  • Sahara

    This article completely nailed everything I have experienced. I am a virgin and just like the majority it’s not for religious purposes (I am a Muslim) but because I know how precious my virginity is and I’m not looking to blow it for some richard anytime soon. In a way being a virgin helps me stay grounded and makes the process of picking a guy all the much easier. ENOUGH with the “it’s the 21st century, ma!” bullshit.

  • mochaaa

    people assume that one can’t be a virgin by choice as well. like if a man is a virgin it’s because he can’t get any. Sex is very accessible, love isn’t and that’s why i’ve chosen to wait. it shows that you have some self control and will power. it’s good to know that you’re not alone. i love articles like this <3

  • M.K.

    Thank you for this!!!! Im tired of the aaaawwss and isnt that special! 

    • MeThatswho

      It really gets annoying after a while. That’s I just try to avoid telling my business if possible.

  • Hey Hey Hey

    I LOVE this article! As a virgin, I’m usually the first to talk about sex and I’m totally comfortable with it.  A former friend of mine once said that waiting until marriage to find out what you like is stupid. I agree, but I also don’t need 20 different men to find out either. Besides, B.O.B works just as well, satisfies all of my curiousness and gets the job done each and EVERY time. So to my future hubby out there, don’t worry – I’m worth the wait!  🙂 

  • Smacks_hoes

    I really enjoyed this article …I’m 20 going on 21 soon and I’m a virgin. I’m proud of myself for keeping it this long for the simple fact that its really really tempting because I am a very sexual person. I’m Christian and for the most part I would hope I can stay a virgin until I’m married but I realized things do happen. I made a vow to myself that I wouldn’t have sex unless it was someone I really love or care about. That’s all I can really promise god at the moment lol. On a lighter note I enjoy the look guys get when I tell them I’m a virgin. It’s laugh out loud hilarious. I guess the way I look and dress is not something they would assume a “virgin” would dress like idk. *shrugs*

    • Guest

      Maybe you should start dressing a little more modestly and then guys wouldn’t assume.

    • Mwahh

      Girl yes! The look on boys faces when you tell them is priceless! This might be strange, but for me its an ego booster lol. We are in the same boat, I turn 21 in less than 2 months, don’t give up! We are still YOUNG & FAB 🙂

  • Chanda

    Another misconception is that a woman/girl with a curvy body can’t be a virgin. Especially if you’ve developed at a young age some people’ll assume that you’ve done it already. It’s like good azz going to waste.

  • Truthfully, I am very turned off by virgins. I really don’t know why. I mean, they may be very attractive, even perfect for me emotionally, but the idea of being someone’s first full on sexual experience is too much for me. Maybe others can handle it. I can’t. I was with my girlfriend for three years. (I’m a woman as well, so F-F sex is pretty different than M-F sex) I knew that she was a virgin and although we did “everything but the REAL thing”, I was too scared. She told me that she considered us going there and I felt so special that she considered letting me be the first but…it was too scary. Plus it just feels…odd…with a virgin I guess. I dunno. 

  • JuneBug

    This article is LIIIIFEEEE!!!!

  • AY

    I dated a male virgin for some time. We ended up having sex. He is as sweet as pie, but sexually very, very very disappointing. I wanted his first time to be different this magical moment, but it was literally just a moment. 

    There is something to be said for experience and variety. He also became so accustomed to not having sex that he didn’t really care if we did it or not. If we were 70 that would be cool, but in our 20’s!!! Ladies if you meet a male virgin RUNNNN!!! Usually he has some other issues.

    • really?

      sounds like yours might have just had a low s*x drive. how old was he?

    • blackinthehat

       Honestly, you really just need to stop commenting. Your ‘advice’ is as stupid as ever. Please do yourself a favour and stop!

    •  Lol wow okay

  • Diva

    Im 30 and still a virgin its very hard because no one knows and I never really had lots of boyfriends everyone thought I had sex in college but I didnt.i appreciate this article.

    • Mocha

       Wow I appreciate your comment I’m still a virgin (27 going on 28)…there’s always that misconception…smh

  • Cherie254

    Love the article! I am only 18 and ppl think it’s odd I am still a virgin lol. Sad society.

    • anonymous

      Agreed. I’m not because of religion but I do have insecurities and these are just perpetuated by the fact that now I’m older and sexually inexperience. I bet if the stigma want there I wud of been at it a long time ago! (mores confident to got into a relationship and say I’m a virgin w/o it being deemed weird) seriously wish I was promiscuous when I was younger b/c its a challenge when u get older. And no no one thinks a virtue anymore…they think u are pathetic

  • Another misconception that I hear is that virgins aren’t capable of attracting men, or at least not to the level that more “experienced” women are able to.  Not so.

  • Yolo

    Im a virgin but I don’t feel the virginity defines a woman. I do not know why it is so stressed especially women versus boys. 

    • Yolo

      typo. stressed for women than boys

    • really?

      it doesn’t define you because it’s not supposed to do so. it has a different purpose.

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  • IllyPhilly

    Why be a virgin if you’re gonna do everything, but s3x? I never understood that. 

  • madison

    i’m a virgin and i believe this article is pretty dead on. 20 going on 21 in a serious relationship so it definitely gets tempting. just the other night i asked him if we could have sex because man this is hard! lol. but he told me he wasn’t going to be the one who i break my (religious) vow of purity with and that we’ll just have to wait until we get married after college. growing up i told myself i wouldn’t give it up until i got married. only because i thought it was the “right” thing to do, not because of religious beliefs. religion didn’t come into play until my freshman year of college when i actually did the classes at church and took the vow with 4 of my friends (all of which are still “pure”, to my knowledge at least). it’s definitely a commitment and much much harder when you are in a serious relationship. because it does get tempting at times and because i am in my first serious relationship, to be honest, if i had been with my boyfriend freshman year before i took the vow, my virginity moooore than likely would be nonexistent at this point.lol. i’m quite sure actually… but also as i get older, i don’t look at non virgins a certain way anymore. do you like i’m doing me. i’m not here to judge at all. just like i expect other college kids not to judge me for still being a virgin.

    forgive me for the run on sentences. and capital letters aren’t my thing on the internet =)

    • Yolo

      title of marriage may seem prestigious or the right thing to do but there are couples that say they will wait to get married first before sex but they are only with each other for a short time before they get married and have sex. some couples are with each other for a short time too, dont get married and have sex with eachother. it really makes no difference 

      • really?

        0__o

      • blackinthehat

        it really does make a difference..one is sin while the other isn’t.

        •  LOL

        • Lalatarea

          its only a sin IF the person has the religious views you have or similar.

          • TRUTH

             FALSE. Sin is SIN in God’s eyes. Just saying.

            • Lyecry

               Not everyone is a Christian nor believes in the same philosophy  or God. It only is a sin if they believe in YOUR God.

              • Ya

                There is only ONE God

              • Guest

                 Wow…you’ve really been steered wrong. Doesn’t matter what you personally think..God is God above all.

                • Lyecry

                  There is no right or wrong way. Everyone’s spiritual journey is a personal one. I believe in the creator. I am also not a Christian. I also do not believe in dying and going to heaven or hell. I practice hoodoo. I also remained a virgin until I was 25. I don’t believe in beating myself up over so called “sin”. But I do believe in making choices that are to my standards.

                  • Blackinthehat

                     You’re standards mean nothing to God.

                    • blackinthehat

                       sry..Your

    • I’m 21 as well, and glad that you have a bf who actually is understanding.  Yeah, college is a whole nother ballgame when it comes to the virginity thing. 

  • Caramelbeauty92

    THANKS 4 touching in on this issue!! 

  • proud virgin

    Ok, how in the world can I enjoy reading an article with a million ads and pop ups on the page? It’s bad enough I have to click on the pages.

    With that being said I enjoyed the article. I’m a 25 yr old virgin and I’m proud of it. I have no kids, no baby daddy(s), I like talking about sex and I’m very a sexual person.

  • L-Boogie

    I have respect for women who can wait.  However, I have more respect for men who are waiting.  Shows a lot of character considering most men are taught that women are simply play things.  

    • NN

      A man who doesn’t have sex before a certain age has sexual confidence issues. That is nothing to be proud of. Buyer beware. 

      These men in waiting are likely impotent, 1 minute men, short short men, secrelty gay, abused, mommy issues, insecurity or some beta male issue that he is covering up with virginity.You can wait for a man but if he can’t perform, I feel for ya. Life without orgasms can work. They did it in the 50’s right?
       
      I fell for the good virgin guy. We had sex but it was nothing like an experienced man.

      Just sayin…

      • blackinthehat

         This post was stupid.

        • really?

          i agree

      • WoW

        Karrine?

      • Where are you getting this crap?

    • 4CloverLeaf

      Right, every woman that I have slept with I waited until they were ready just a respect thing.

  • The first one may be true a while back, but no so much, woman who are virgins are thought to be a)weirdly religious,(saving themselves for marriage) or b)woman who isn’t a virgin with other body parts*wink*wink*. The real woman part has only to me been thrown on men. Men who are virgins, by a certain age are assumed to not be good with picking up the ladies, a nerd, square. or even gay. How conceited must a woman be to assume that a man who turns them down for sex must be gay…. smh

  • Pivyque

    I have actually never heard any of those misconceptions except for they “look” a certain way…Before people realize that I am married (I don’t wear my ring all the time), they assume I am a virgin because I “look” like one…whatever that means lol 

  • I can’t start on how much I love this article.  I’ve heard all of these misconceptions, and it gets on my nerves.  People think there’s something wrong with us, when all we’re trying to do is save it for the right man. 

    • anonymous

      They also think youre a gay introverted freak…seriously. and that they are more knowledgable about life in general…to that I say suck a d!ck

    • Trisha_B

      I agree! The most annoying one I hear is that I’m a virgin b/c i can’t get a man smh. I’m a 21 yr old college student & get men lol. & a lot of them are shock when they hear i’m a virgin but they always admit to me that I’m the first girl they have shared so much w/ & learned so much about a female b/c that whole sex part isn’t there. 

  • A.

    So true! People think I’m some super holy being when I’m just a regular woman who knows how precious my virginity is. In my case, it does have a little to do with religion, but honestly, I just want to make sure I share that with someone whose stable and I know truly cares for me.

  • Jayy Bird

    Great article and all of these are so true and I’m surprised and pleased that y’all wrote an article like this!!