Terribly Wrong Reasons To Have Kids
Do you ever wonder why the family system is so inherently flawed? It seems like most people have some major issue with their parents. Some individuals don’t even have relationships with their parents, or at the very least, they hide most of the details of their lives from them because they don’t see eye to eye on things. How is it that the people we are supposed to love the most in life—and who are supposed to love us the most—are the same people we fight with the most? There is, of course, the simple fact that our parents just care so darn much about us that sometimes they hold on a little too tight when they’re just trying to help. But then there is this other little factor a lot of people don’t want to discuss: sometimes, we can’t get along with our parents because they had us for the wrong reasons, and that snuck up on them later in life and made them act out (on us). If you have kids for the wrong reasons, you’re bound to have less-than-great relationships with them. Here are absolutely wrong reasons to have kids.
Your career isn’t taking off
You aren’t getting as far as you’d hoped in your career, or at least not at the pace you’d hoped. Maybe you don’t even know what you want to do with your life. You’re watching your friends start businesses and develop software, while you feel like you’re not working on anything—you’re standing still. But having a baby feels like an accomplishment. Don’t forget that baby will turn into a teen who ignores you and a grownup who moves out, and you’ll still be left feeling a void. You may even then resent your child for taking from you the precious time you could have dedicated to your career.
If you’re single and don’t have the strongest friends group or relationship with your family, life can feel a bit lonely. You’re struggling to find a long-term romantic relationship, so you think, “I’ll just create a long-term relationship by having a baby.” But asking a child to be your social life, family and life partner is putting far too much pressure on that child, and usually results in a situation where your child is unhealthily attached to you, or rebels and wants nothing to do with you.
You want to save your marriage
If you feel like you and your partner are drifting apart, you might think that having a child together will give your bond just the jolt it needs. And at first, it well. But then it will just add the stress of raising a child to what was already an unstable and flailing relationship. Often, having a kid to save a relationship can be what ultimately destroys the relationship.
You want to force a marriage
If you’ve been with a boyfriend for a very long time and he is dragging his feet on popping the question, you might just think “forgetting” a few birth control pills could be just the ticket that gets you down the aisle. First off, that’s highly dishonest and immoral and second off, there is a reason your partner isn’t proposing. Something about this relationship isn’t right—it’s not on solid ground. Having a child, in this case, will also just put a strain on an already struggling relationship.
Your biological clock is ticking
If you’ve always dreamed of being a mom and now you’re finding yourself, for whatever reason, nowhere near being one in an organic way—maybe you’re single, or only been with your partner for a few months—you could decide to just go for it. And work out what that means later. But if your life is in anyway unstable or your future is uncertain (will you still be with this partner in a year? Will you be able to afford to stay in your condo in a year?) having a child isn’t a good idea. Children need to be born into stability.
Your life feels meaningless
A baby should never, ever be a band-aid for depression or a sense of being lost. In order to guide a human being through this life, you need to have your own emotional and mental well-being taken care of. How are you supposed to advise a child on how to live if you’re not sure how to be happy yourself?
You want to prove you can be a parent
People constantly tell you you’re irresponsible—that you shouldn’t have a dog or even a plant—so you decide you’ll show them by having a child. A child should never be a pawn in any sort of scheme. You should never have a child at someone. If the only thing motivating you to take good care of a child is that other people are watching and judging, what happens when they stop watching? You’ll neglect your child. The reward of being watched will be gone so you won’t see the point.
You feel left out of the moms club
All of your friends are having children and all they talk about is having children. You’re left out of carpool talk and Jamboree class and romper shopping trips. But rather than make the tremendous decision to have a child to fit in with your friends, maybe it’s time to recognize you need to find an additional circle of friends.
You want to heal your childhood
It’s common for those with turbulent childhoods to believe they can heal their own wounds by having a child and being the type of parent they wish their parents had been. But, once again, you should never have a child at someone, to fix a problem or to heal a wound. You should only have a child out of a positive, stable place. Keep in mind that you may not have the perfect relationship with your child you hoped to have. Your relationship with your child could be strained, as it was with your own parents, which could leave you feeling even more devastated. Make sure your wounds with your parents are healed before becoming a parent.
Only your partner wants to
If you do not want kids and your partner desperately wants them, you do need to find a solution, but having a child to put an end to the argument is not that solution. If your reasons for not wanting a child come true—it takes away from your career or your romantic relationship—you will resent your partner, and that resentment will affect your child.
Your parents pressure you
Your parents want those grandbabies. They’re retired, and at this point, it would bring a little excitement and new life into their rather dull lives. But you’re the one who will be raising these children, not your parents. Remember that when they pressure you to make one of the biggest decisions of your life.
To quit work
Perhaps you’re married and working, but you don’t like working—or at least you don’t like your job. Having a child could get you out of work, and give you the chance to be a stay-at-home-mom. But first off, is that fair to your partner? If he hasn’t agreed to take on the financial burden of not just the two of you but also a child, you can’t just assume you get to stay at home. Furthermore, you shouldn’t have a child because your other pursuits aren’t making you happy.
You want someone to take care of you in old age
Old age could be very, very far away for you. In the meantime, you’ll need to rear a child, look over the emotional and mental development of a young adult and maintain a healthy relationship with your child when she becomes a full adult. You don’t just give birth to a little nurse, ready to take care of you.
It’s time, you guess?
You’ve been married for a couple of years and, under perfect circumstances, it would seem this is around the time you and your partner should have kids. But absolutely no external or made-up timeline should affect your decision to have kids. Only your own life and path, and your partner’s should determine if and when you have kids. You won’t get some award for having them two years into the marriage.
You want to shock yourself into selflessness
Have people told you you’re selfish? Have your friends and family accused you of caring about nobody but yourself? Having a child could, technically, prove them wrong. But if you are selfish, you can’t fix that overnight (or nine months). You’ll just be a selfish parent and potentially mess up a kid.