In your early twenties, you made excuses to go out. Didn’t have to be in class/work until 10 am the next morning? Go out. Got a bonus at work that’s hot in your pocket? Go out. The bartender at the margarita place is cute in a weird way? Go out. Now, you make excuses not to go out. And they are some pretty absurd ones—like ones that your twenty-year-old self would scoff at. But you understand things now that you didn’t used to, like how credit cards really work, and how alcohol is like a demon that shoots wrinkles into your face. And…sciatica pain? Yeah. That too. There’s a reason that today if you’re hitting the town, it’s preceded by a month-long email thread between friends planning every detail of the night. You don’t go out just for anything. So here are real and ridiculous reasons you stop going out in your thirties.
You weren’t mentally prepared
You had already envisioned a night in sweatpants, with your folding table in bed so you can eat in the comfort of your forty pillows, while watching Amazon Prime movies. You can’t…just…CHANGE that at the last minute! That’s too much for your brain to handle.
Oh, and they just invited you now?
And anyways, my friend is texting me just now to go out? It’s 7 pm. That’s no notice at all. If it were so important to her to see me, she would’ve asked me about this a week ago. People have no common decency these days, right?
It’s not anybody’s birthday
Is it somebody’s birthday? Bachelorette party? Divorce party? No? Then why are we going through all this trouble?
There are peanuts on the floor there
That bar everybody is going to—oh that place has peanut shells on the floor. They get stuck in your heels. It’s so annoying.
But you want the early bird special
You’ve also been planning all week on getting up early, and getting the early bird special at the car wash and the early bird special at the pancake store next to it, as a treat to yourself for getting your car washed.
And, you just cooked
You just spent an hour searching for the perfect recipe on Pinterest then another hour at the grocery store (buying more than you went in for) and another hour making your recipe. You’re not rushing through this meal to go out! No way.
It’s karaoke night= too loud
Why is everybody meeting somewhere where they can’t even hear each other? What is the point of going to a bar if you cannot catch up with friends?! When everybody gets together for a quiet wine night, they can call you.
There’s nowhere to park
That neighborhood. No way. Nowhere to park. Unless you want to spend ten dollars in the lot which, on principle, you are not doing. That’s the price of a cocktail!
Your feet still hurt from last time
Also, you still have blisters from the last time you wore heels. That was a month ago. And your calf muscles still hurt from standing in line to get into the club in said heels.
Is it better than a documentary about prison?
Trick question. Nothing is. So, no—you will not be passing up on watching Making a Murderer to hear some DJ who apparently played at Coachella.
You don’t know anyone there
You only know the person who invited you, and she’ll be busy talking to other people the whole night. You’re thirty-something now; you’re not going out to listen to the life stories of new people.
You’re soaking dishes
And if they soak too long then the hand painting on them will begin to chip off. But if they don’t soak long enough, you won’t get the grease off. It’s a whole thing.
Or defrosting something
Your fresh water Alaskan salmon has another hour to defrost. If you put it back in the freezer now, you’ll destroy it. If you leave it out too long, you’ll destroy it. And it cost nine dollars.
You’re having digestive issues
Bloating, gas, diarrhea, constipation, nausea—you name it, you’re having it. Pencil skirts and bandage dresses are not happening right now.
You haven’t shaved/not going to
You have not shaved your legs. You aren’t going out unless you get to wear that one dress you feel hot in. But you can’t wear that with hairy legs. But you also hadn’t planned on shaving your legs tonight so—nah.