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Most of the images and discussions surrounding mothers and motherhood are positive ones. We talk about the sacrifices mothers make, the love they give to their children and the bond mothers and daughters share with one another. But in many relationships, that is not the full story. Some relationships are tinged with strife or have been completely destroyed by dysfunction.
In order to tell these very real stories, MadameNoire, is launching a new month-long series called Mommy Issues. These stories are from real Black women, sharing their real experiences.
This first installment in the series comes from Phylicia*, a 27-year-old woman. She’s the daughter of Diane, a woman who gave birth to four children. Phylicia is the product of Diane’s relationship with Roger Sr., a man who battled with several addictions, making him an inept and abusive parter, and later, an absentee father.
So Diane raised Phylicia and her siblings by herself. And because of the disappointment Diane experienced in her life, her issues with depression, suicide attempts and even dysfunctional romantic relationships took a toll on not only her but the relationship with her daughter Phylicia.
Here’s her story.
Was there a specific time when you realized your relationship with your mother was different from other people’s?
I would say that I first noticed that the relationship was different or not healthy in first grade. That’s when my dad moved out. Well, he didn’t move out but she packed his stuff and moved in with my grandma. My dad was a hot, raggedy mess. But it was like her treatment towards me changed.
Why do you think it changed?
I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. And even when she would get frustrated with me, she would say, ‘Oh you remind me of your dad.’ At that time it was just me and my brother Roger living with her. And he was always in the hospital so I was usually with my dad by myself while she was with Roger in the hospital. So we didn’t have time to really bond. And even right before my parents had broken up, my dad—who was drunk most of the time— he jokes and prods at people. He would make jokes at her and I would laugh and she would snap on me, even though I was only four years old at the time. So I think she has a lot of resentment toward me. I think I was a reminder of my father just because me and him have such similar personalities. And then, I just feel like she lashed out at me at a young age because I reminded her of him.
I don’t feel like she ever treated me as a child.
You know that children do stuff and it’s innocent. I feel like she always felt there was an intention behind what I was doing. I don’t think she ever recognized me as a child or having innocence.
Even when it comes to business matters and finances, she would talk to me about things you’re supposed to talk to adults about, things children shouldn’t know about from an early age.
I was the first daughter that she actually raised because my other two sisters went with my grandmother from a very young age.
My sex talk was my mom dropping condoms on the table.
What was the relationship like between your mother and her mother?
My grandma is really passive aggressive and she was really strict as well. Except for my one aunt, she has strange relationships with all of her daughters. And she always treated her one son better than she treated her daughters. Which is the same thing my mom does.
And now that I think about it, my mom and my grandpa were really close and I think my grandmother was really envious of that but she was never say it, she would just nit-pick all the time.
And then, when she started having children—so my uncle has been married four times. My grandmother has never said anything about that, even though he was clearly messing around with his past girlfriends while he was married to his first wife [They would even show up at the house sometimes.] But my mom, having two different fathers for her children, [my grandmother] always threw that in her face. So basically, it was a whole bunch of respectability politics. And girl, my grandma was never a saint. They just don’t talk about stuff. Even with my period, the only reason why I know about that stuff is because my great aunt told me. It’s a weird situation. They don’t talk about sex or anything. When I went for college, my sex talk was my mom dropping condoms on the table as she was leaving. And I wasn’t even having sex at that time, girl! But my mom thought I was having sex at around age 15. I was talking to people on the internet but I was never active.
I feel like she almost saw me as competition
What would you say is your best and worst memory of your mom?
Best: I remember before, when my dad was still around, she used to play video games with us. That was the only time I ever saw her being childlike and not really stressed out. I understand, to a certain degree, why my mom is the way she is. Because she’s had a hard life. She still has a hard life. She really battled depression a lot. Those are like my best memories when we were younger. She used to take me and Roger to the drive-in movie theaters with my dad.
But girl, my dad told me—and this just shows how children just don’t know stuff—My dad told me that he used to be getting high on crack in the bathroom while we were at the drive-in. Girl, I don’t remember that. I don’t remember! I just remember us being at the drive-in. She would pack a dinner for us, fry a whole bunch of chicken and we had our lawn chairs.
All of her boyfriends had either infidelity or serious substance abuse issues. My dad was physically abusive. One of the things I remember was her stabbing him with a fork. He still has the scar.
Why do you think she made those choices with men?
My grandma was so strict, they [Phylicia’s mom and her siblings] just decided to rebel. And with my dad, it was basically the idea of what people have with Whitney and Bobby. You know Whitney was already wild. My mom wasn’t really wild. She was pretty suburban and then my dad came along. And my dad is fun. And I think I kind of inherited that from her too. I date people just for thrills not really for any quality. She just wanted a break. Having two children and being with my overbearing grandmother. I remember when she used to kick me out of the house and I had to stay with granny, I hated it! My dad was her escape out of that house even if it wasn’t a good situation.
Worst memory: I would say like high school and all the fights we would get in and her calling the police. I feel like she was trying to sabotage me.
Why do you think that was?
I feel like she almost saw me as competition in a certain way. She was never ever able to leave. She went to Tennessee State for her freshman year. After two months, my grandmother literally called her and cried every single day. And she came back and she dropped out. And never went back. My mom was still applying to college up until a couple of years ago but she was just never able to stick to it. My great aunt was a professor at Tennessee State so she had moved to Nashville and everything but granny just kept on calling and she came back. And that’s when she started having children.
Even when she dropped me off at college, she wrote me a letter and left it on my desk, basically apologizing for how she treated me or whatever. But I feel like some stuff is unforgivable. Like my dad, he wasn’t there. But that was different. I’d rather be abandoned completely than to mistreat your own child. Even though he wasn’t there, he’s never mistreated me outwardly. At this point, it’s like a tolerance thing.
Did you relationship get better once you were in college, not living under the same roof?
Oh definitely! I can never live with her under the same roof with her again. Because it’s like everything she does reminds me of how she acted before. And I feel like if she’s repeated an action that she’s done before then she was never sorry for doing it the first time.
When you read the letter she wrote to you in college, was it healing for you?
I was like, ‘At least she wrote the note.’ But no. My dad wrote similar notes. My dad was in prison until high school graduation. Some of them I read. I never responded to them or anything. I feel like when people apologize, it’s more for themselves than the other person. It’s like I see that you’re apologizing but it’s not helping me with any of the issues that I have. I have a whole lot of post traumatic issues that I have to deal with because of that. So it’s like it’s nice that you’re taking time to work through your issues but I still have issues that I’m working through. And it’s not really forgivable. Ok, it happened. I appreciate this. It helps me tolerate you more but there’s some stuff that I’m never going to get over. And I’m not going to throw it in your face outwardly…like for instance my dad, we get along fine until he tries to tell me how my childhood was when he wasn’t there. I can tolerate you to a certain extent but you’re not going to tell me how I’m supposed to feel about certain things and you’re not going to tell me how something was when it wasn’t that way.
I feel like that, to a certain extent, has also affected my relationships with other people. I end up being way too forgiving of people and I tolerate them more than I should, when I should just end it based on treatment.
I end up being way too forgiving of people and I tolerate them more than I should…
I know you’ve said that you felt like you had to raise your parents. Can you speak on that?
It’s kind of like about me never having innocence as a child. They’re just not responsible. Like my mom made a lot of suicide attempts when I was in high school. She would be just gone. She’d let her [romantic] relationships affect how she mothered her children. She’d get mad at her boyfriend and she’d be gone. Ok well, your boyfriend is never at home because he’s out getting drunk and f*cking other people all the time. So the only people at the house are me and Roger. So I have to take care of my brother.
And at that age as well, I’m also going through puberty. So I was on the internet, trying to find people to help me escape. And that’s why I was hanging out the boys I did at the time. They were necessarily healthy relationships but it was something to distract me from what I was going through at the time.
Have you ever told your mom any of this?
The only times that we really talk about it is when I’m angry. I don’t really feel like talking to her would change much. The situation still is what the situation is. I’m able to tolerate her on certain things.
Do you feel like she’s grown, matured or come out of some of the behaviors she exhibited when you were younger?
I feel like one of main differences from how she was then to how she is now, is that now she’s single. But even the last time I was living with her, she called her ex boyfriend about our living situation, to have him give her input on our relationship and our living situation. I’m like, for what?
And that’s one of the main issues that I had with her growing up and through puberty. Her boyfriend would tell her when to discipline me and when to discipline me. You should never let a man come in between or determine how you parent your children, especially a man who never raised any of his own children. Like what the f*ck?!
How do you feel like growing up with your mother has affected your life in a positive way?
I’m definitely resourceful because of her. Growing up, I learned how to ride the bus because she wouldn’t take us places. And even her, no matter what the situation is, my mom knows how to get a job, a car and a place over her head. So like that’s one of the reasons I wasn’t afraid to go away to college because of the things she’s taught me. So even though I didn’t have my innocence as a child growing up, I know how to navigate a lot of systems. So that helps me to be resourceful to other people.
How is Mother’s Day for you?
I don’t know… Some years she complains about not getting gifts because I don’t really get gifts. Sometimes I’ll get her a card or something. There’s a lot of years that have gone by that she didn’t even recognize my birthday. So if she doesn’t feel a certain way, then I don’t feel a certain way about it. I don’t really feel down on the day.
How does it make you feel when people tell you to honor your parents or quote scripture? Does it make you feel a way?
That was one of my major insecurities with dating in high school and post high school because I feel like people will judge you based on your relationship with your parents. Even now, a lot of my male friends have similar parenting situations as mine. I mainly dated men with mommy issues which is not really healthy. The main reason why I dated them or gravitated to them was because I felt like they wouldn’t judge me for my own situation. Because when you date someone, you’re potentially dating them for marriage or a long-term-relationship. It’s like their family becomes your family. And multiple people I’ve dated have expressed concerns about how they don’t want to marry into mess. And I feel like that’s what my situation is. It’s mess. It also puts more pressure on me to find a mate who doesn’t have that because I don’t my children to have two sets of grandparents that are a hot mess.
People will judge you based on your relationship with your parents.
What do you feel like she needs to become more stable?
I feel like she needs a lot of therapy. Even during the suicide attempts, she would be in there for a couple of days. But she didn’t really do anything that was long-standing. She has a lot of self esteem issues too. She went and got gastric bypass surgery because her boyfriend was cheating. She thought that that would stop him from cheating. I just feel like she’s always trying to get that outward approval.
Are you scared to have your own children because of your experiences growing up?
I think so. If you look at it, it’s almost like a natural inheritance having some f*cked up mother-daughter relationship. There’s no positive mother-daughter relationships in my family.
What would you like to do differently and what would you like to do the same?
One thing I definitely wish that I had that I didn’t have is open discussions with my daughter. I want to be in a place where I’m more confident so it’s not like I’m passing my own insecurities onto her. And also to give her an example of healthy relationships and how to walk away and express herself when something is not in her best interest.
