Thordis
The road to motherhood isn’t always as simple as “girl meets boy”, “girl marries boy” and then “girl has a baby with boy”. No ma’am! Sometimes that road has a unforeseen detour in mind.
These days more women, including women of color, are choosing alternative methods to motherhood. Like myself, their fairytale didn’t go the traditional route, and they had to come up with a new game plan. I had the honor of recently interviewing two dynamic & courageous African-American women who made the empowered, and some may consider controversial, choice to be Single Mother By Choice (SMBC).
This week, in a 2-part interview, we will introduce you to Thordis (pictured above). Thordis is a 43-year old woman originally from Alabama, now residing in Los Angeles, who just last year gave birth to a beautiful baby girl conceived with her own eggs and an anonymous man’s sperm.
Next week, we will meet a woman who adopted one of her three children and used an egg donor AND sperm donor to conceive her recently-born twin daugthers.
These interviews give us an unprecedented look into their journeys to becoming SMBC and what they shared will definitely shed some light on this rarely-discussed topic.
Here’s what Thordis had to say:
Mommynoire: What prompted you to become a “Single Mother By Choice”?
Thordis: I knew that I always wanted to have a child and I told myself that if I wasn’t in a promising relationship by the time I turned 40, that I would start looking at alternative options. Just because I’m not a wife doesn’t mean I can’t be a mother. And I didn’t want to miss my window of opportunity to birth my own child because I hadn’t met the right guy. Turning 40 was that marker for me.
What has the reaction been from family and friends?
My father didn’t have the most positive response right away. It wasn’t a negative reaction. It took him some time to understand why I was taking this route. Also as a parent, he needed to process that things weren’t going to happen for me the way that he envisioned…the traditional path of being married and then having a child. Once he wrapped his head around it, which took no time at all, he was on board. The rest of my family and friends were all supportive.
What are your biggest fears about raising your child on your own?
Initially my fears were about my ability to provide for her. As a single mother with a single income, would there be things she wouldn’t be able to have in life because I wouldn’t have the means to provide them? I always knew that I would have enough love for her and that she would always be surrounded by people who loved her, so there would never be a lack of that. I have been able to put a lot of things into perspective and to realize what a child really needs as opposed to a lot of the superficial things that I thought you needed to provide.
Most Caucasian women who chose to be SMBC are in their late 30s/early 40s, are college-educated, and make a good living. It seems those are the same criteria for African-American women who also choose this route to motherhood. Do you agree?
I make a very comfortable living. I’ve been able to purchase a home, own two vehicles and provide a lifestyle for myself that is very comfortable. I consider myself to be very financially stable. That said, it’s still one income. And living in southern California, there are certain things that are difficult to attain on a single income. Like a larger home, or private school tuition. There are things that just become more challenging to provide even when you are making a good salary.
What are some resources that you used to help you make your choice to become a SMBC?
I joined the website, Single Mothers By Choice as well as read the book by the same name. Both the book and website raised some issues that never even occurred to me. It made me more thoughtful about my decision.
How important is having a support system to you?
It is extremely important. I don’t think I would have made this decision had I not felt that I had a strong support system behind me. I spent over a year researching this option. Meeting with women who had taken this path. Making connections. Meeting them in person. Talking to them on the phone. Finding out about their journeys and what their struggles were. And really digging into the reality of the situation. So it wasn’t a decision that I made lightly. And they all said the same thing…the support system is essential. You may call yourself a SMBC, but you can’t be single in the rearing of the child. You really do have to rely on the community…the village. You have to be open to allowing people into your life and into the child’s life to help raise this child with you.
*Part 2 of Thordis’ story will run tomorrow. We discuss if she’ll share with her daughter how she was conceived, how choosing the sperm donor process was for her, how she’ll explain her choice to be a SMBC to her future mate and much more.
Tomiko Fraser Hines is a mother, wife, model, actress, writer, and motivational speaker. When faced with infertility, Tomiko chose to share her story openly and honestly with the public. Born and raised in the Bronx, New York, she currently resides in Los Angeles—where she plays her most passionate role yet—mother to twins Kaden and Bryce and wife to her husband Chris. Follow Tomiko at TomikoFraserHines.com
