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In a continuation from our previous story, “Being A Single Mother By Choice,” Thordis answers more questions about her empowered choice.
Do you feel that more African-American women are choosing this route to motherhood?
I realized after sharing my story, how common this is becoming as an option for African American women. And I think that’s fantastic. For women who can afford this route, and if all goes well, it can be extremely affordable. If you are fortunate enough to get pregnant in your trying, it really to me isn’t about the cost to get pregnant, but if you have the means to raise a child on your own.
Have you decided if you will tell your child how she was conceived?
I will absolutely tell her how she was conceived. I am very proud of my journey towards motherhood and it’s something that I feel obligated to not only share with her, but with others…to encourage others. To let people know that this option does exist out there. Especially if they feel that the alternative is to not have a child if they don’t have a mate. To let them know that that’s not their only choice. But for my child, I want her to know that this is how much she was wanted. That Mommy wanted her so much, that she went down this road to create her and bring her into the world. I want her to understand why I made this decision and for her to be just as proud of her journey as I am of mine.
What was the choosing of the sperm donor process like for you?
I thought it was such an interesting process to literally shop for a donor..like you would go on Amazon or Target.com to pick something out. But initially, because I was interested in an African-American donor, there were some hurdles because there are not a lot out there. It wasn’t really a surprise to me. Initially I thought there would be an issue because I felt that I didn’t have a lot of options. For example, on some donor sites, there would be maybe 3 African-American donors compared to if I’d been looking for a caucasian donor where there are hundreds to thousands. When I saw how small the numbers were, I thought this might be the hardest part of this process…finding a donor. I just continued looking and ultimately went with California CryoBank. They had more choices. Not a lot, less than 20. But there were more options there than some websites that had zero. And I was fortunate because once I put my criteria in, I was able to narrow it down. And I felt like I had some really great options to to choose from.
How will explain your choice to a potential mate in the future?
To me, it’s a really simple explanation. I had a strong desire to be a mother and to carry my own child. I was not willing to settle down with the wrong man in order to achieve that. So I opted to do it on my own and wait for the right man to come along. And if he is the right man for me, he will love and accept my child as his own.
What are your thoughts on the topic of SMBC in the African-American community?
I don’t think that it is discussed enough as an option. And there is, for whatever reason, a sense of shame attached to taking alternative methods. To me, it’s something I have a hard time wrapping my head around because there are other options I could have taken. I could have had a child with a man I knew that I wasn’t going to have a long-term relationship with. It would have facilitated the birth of a child and it would have fulfilled that for me. But that wasn’t something that I wanted to do. I didn’t want to attach myself to someone solely for the purpose of getting a child out of the situation knowing that this person wasn’t going to be in my future for the long haul. I think, sometimes, choosing to stand on your own and do something outside of the norm can be challenging in a community that wants you to stay the course. And there’s so much that needs to be talked about. I hope that this article and more articles like this help to facilitate those conversations.
What advice would you give another woman who is considering becoming a SMBC?
If a woman is still in the consideration phase, I would advise her to really think about. If she chooses NOT to go down this path, what would her life look like without having experienced carrying a child of her own. Really think about are you going to be at peace if you choose not to have a child and why are you choosing not to have a child on your own? Is it because of societal stigma? Is it because your family doesn’t agree with this decision? And if it has anything to do with people outside of you, to rethink that. Because ultimately, if you were to make the decision not to become a SMBC because you don’t want to be stigmatized or your family doesn’t agree, then you lose out on the chance to be a mother. Is that something that you can live with? Because those people can’t live your life for you.
If you feel like you can’t afford to raise a child, then that’s a different story. Overall, if motherhood is important to you, do so by any legal and ethical means necessary would be my advice.
*For more information about becoming a Single Mother By Choice, please visit www.singlemothersbychoice.org.
Tomiko Fraser Hines is a mother, wife, model, actress, writer, and motivational speaker. When faced with infertility, Tomiko chose to share her story openly and honestly with the public. Born and raised in the Bronx, New York, she currently resides in Los Angeles—where she plays her most passionate role yet—mother to twins Kaden and Bryce and wife to her husband Chris. Follow Tomiko at TomikoFraserHines.com
