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If your parents are divorced, you can have separate but fulfilling relationships with each of them (pretty) successfully. But things can get very tricky once you get engaged. From the engagement party to the wedding day, divorced parents can make the whole process a complicated one. Here are some rules to abide by so that nobody has a meltdown (or at least they can keep it private, for your sake).
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The engagement party
Engagement parties are typically pretty small, and that can be problematic for divorced parents: It’s too easy for them to run into each other in a crowd of 28 people.
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The solution
Separate parties! Because engagement parties are expected to be small, they’re rather affordable. And they don’t need to be fancy. How about a brunch soiree instead? Both of your parents can, and would probably be happy to throw you their own respective engagement parties. It’s a chance for them to celebrate your life-changing event with a small circle of family and friends–and with no drama.
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Wedding planning
Your mother is more interested in planning your wedding than your father. But your dad is the one footing the bill. Uh oh.
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The solution
Get a wedding planner. A wedding planner is similar to a mediator: She will talk to you and your mother about flowers/catering/entertainment and then speak to your dad about where that fits in the budget. If you let your mom and dad get on the phone and talk these things out, it could end in a yelling match. Consider a wedding planner an investment in your sanity.
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Significant others
If either of your parents has a significant other, they’re going to want to bring them to everything. Depending on how your parents’ marriage ended, this can be a very sticky situation.
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The solution
If your parents divorced because one of them was unfaithful, it’s not unreasonable to request that the mistress/lover does not attend the wedding. If your parent has been with that person now for a long time and is even happily married to him/her, you may need to ask the parent who was cheated on to do you a solid and let them come to the wedding.
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The ceremony
If your mom is remarried and you’re close with your stepfather, he might want to feel included in your wedding in some way. But, naturally, your biological father will want to walk you down the aisle.
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The solution
Allow your stepfather to speak. Many brides and grooms today like to let a few loved ones speak at the actual ceremony before the vows are exchanged or during the reception. Let him say some words about you and your fiancé. This will let him feel like an integral part of the ceremony–and the family.
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The guest list
You might encounter a problem that some children of divorce deal with: All of your parents’ friends are now just your mom’s friends. Women tend to man the social calendar of a couple, and when they get a divorce, their ex is left to make new friends. This also means your dad might have very few people “on his side” at your wedding.
The solution
Be lenient with his guest list. Spend a few extra hundred dollars on a few extra dinner plates so that your dad can enjoy your wedding with people he’s comfortable with. After all, you’re not going to be able to keep him company all night long.
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Seating
Both of your parents are going to want to sit at your table. This, admittedly, sucks and isn’t easy to address.
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Solution
Have your own table. It’s perfectly normal for the bride and groom to sit at their own private table, and guests just visit them. You can place your parents at two tables on opposite sides of your own.
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Speeches
Your parents are going to want to give speeches. If they’ve had a few cocktails and are winging it, they might take the opportunity to start giving their ex backhanded compliments.
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The solution
Written speeches. Make it an obligation for all close family members to submit to your wedding planner written speeches before the big day. They might still get drunk and wing it, but at least you have some shot at normalcy.
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Your speech
As juvenile as it might be, your parents are going to listen to your speech closely, tallying up the good parenting marks you give them. Each one will want to feel like they were adequately thanked and honored. Once could feel like they were given the shaft if you extol one parent while mildly mentioning the other.
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The solution
Don’t address them separately. Just refer to the both of them as what they are: “My parents.” Address all compliments to “My parents”—not “mom” or “dad.” They’ll have to share the admiration—they did share the responsibility of raising you, after all.
