Whenever I think about the part that titles play in a relationship, I think of the interaction between a friend of mine and the man who would become her boyfriend in an emotional drama-filled five year relationship. When we all first met, he and his crew would commonly refer to women as “Beyotches” and “hoes” and carry on vulgar conversations filled with degrading comments about the female gender. I must admit that I respected the rawness of their tone; there was something honest and unapologetic about the way they conducted themselves. After years of effortless lines and hollow game spit by men who thought the way to a woman’s heart was through fluffy empty conversation, a little raw honesty was refreshing for me.
That ever-so-fresh feeling faded fast when my friend’s soon-to-be boyfriend thought he could call me up and greet me with a “Wassup, Beyotch!” You know I called him on it quickly, right? The best part about it was he respected my wishes and dropped the drama, simply because I communicated that it was unacceptable to me.
You see, even if every TV network besides BET thinks it’s ok for both women and men alike to throw around the word for a female dog as a term of endearment, I’m still not nearly receptive of being referred to as a creature that will gladly consume it’s own fecal matter. My friend on the other hand still thought it was so Hot the way that this group demeaned females, “Them ni**as don’t give a….they so crazy,” she’d swoon and I swear I could see blue birds flapping around her big ratchet head. It was Hot right up until the two made it official. Boyfriend tried to call ole’ girl a Itchbay then and the script flipped. “You can’t call your girlfriend a Itchbay. That’s disrespectful.” Because he clearly respected you before you were his girlfriend when your conversations had more Beyotches in them then a canine kennel. Right…
Whether your man refers to you as his girlfriend, jump-off or wifey, titles are what you make them, but that doesn’t make them any less important. Titles are the reason you don’t refer to your local convenience store cashier as “doctor”, and whether you want to believe it or not, your title somewhat defines your role.
At their best, titles put into play a set of specific rules and responsibilities. Men especially know this and it’s the reason why most of them are so hesitant to label their relationships. Do you know how many women have come to me justifying why the man that they are crazy about doesn’t want to actually make her his “girlfriend”? It’s not because he’s uncomfortable with titles. It’s not because you and he know what the situation is, so it doesn’t matter what it’s called. It’s because by acknowledging he is “your man” he has to accept limits and regulations that he doesn’t want to abide by.
Basically, not being your “boyfriend” ensures that when you catch him with his other she-who-shall-not-be-named, he has an excuse: “Me and you weren’t officially together anyway.” Make no mistake, if you are giving a man boyfriend privileges, he should also be getting his fair share of boyfriend responsibilities, one of which is referring to you as his significant other. Maybe he doesn’t have to announce it on a billboard in Times Square, but if the cat catches his tongue when he introduces you to family and/or friends, then you need to stop allowing his tongue to chase your cat.
People who are intimidated by commitment will often use the excuse that titles place pressure on the relationship, but I argue that titles are not what bring the pressure; it’s the actual commitment and emotions behind that title. It’s not necessarily the title itself, but what the title means you’ll have to sacrifice and accommodate and we all interpret the conduct associated with certain titles differently based on our different backgrounds and values.
A solid relationship can handle that pressure and the people involved in that relationship clearly communicate about what’s expected within certain labels. I know because I was that girl who was crazy about a boy who told me, “C’mon with all that title nonsense.” And for a long time I really believed that titles didn’t matter at all, as long as the love and respect were there. But guess who became comfortable with labels after they became comfortable with commitment? It’s no coincidence and while I still only believe titles matter only so much, I believe they do matter on some level.
What about the women who’ve already got the title? You know the wives who run around with their wedding rings over their head like Mike Tyson with a championship belt? The same rule applies. Titles are what you and your partner make them. If your husband disrespects you and your vows, is unfaithful and is acting more like a bachelor than your life partner, then your title is transparent and worth less than the document it’s written on.
Then you have all the people who like to play house. A ”wifey” is not a wife, and a “hubby” is not a husband. How people conduct themselves in their own relationships is their business, but I must admit these terms annoy me to no end. It’s like a girl who flaunts her designer bag that she bought from the same store she bought her hair and her nails: It may look just like it, but it’s not the same thing. In my opinion, people who are really about it and not just playing pretend, make it official.
There’s something about the lack of authenticity and the practice of casually thrown around titles that feel like a slap in the face to people who are fighting everyday to make their union legal and are denied. I feel like younger couples no longer take the time to enjoy just being boyfriend and girlfriend. Everyone is in a race to the hypothetical altar without actually taking the time to fully understand what a true lifelong commitment is about.
Something about titles explores knowing your worth. Once you begin to settle for whatever label (or lack there of) someone chooses to give you, it’s possible you may begin to internalize that label and believe that it’s all you deserve. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, often by settling for just being the “jump-off” you may begin to believe that is all you deserve to be, and by not refusing to settle for that, a man may not be able to see you as anything else. I once had a man tell me that he would never call me “baby” because I was so much more to him than a generic term. The next time you’re considering how much what you’re called matters to you consider what Common said on his single “The Light”:
“I never call you my Beyotch or even my boo, there’s so much in a name and so much more to you.”
Have you ever stayed in a relationship sans titles? How long did it last?
