Ladies, Stop Worrying About Getting Chose

Source: Corbis

This weekend a friend of mine went on a quick weekend trip to visit a guy in another city who she’s been getting to know for the past year or so. Understandably, emotions — namely nervousness — were running high before she embarked on the three-day trip and it wasn’t long before she started sending me worried texts like “I don’t think he’s excited about seeing me,”  “I hope I’m not over-thinking things.” Of course, a conversation had to follow and as we chatted, my friend continued to make more comments along those lines as she discussed all the preparations she was making for the trip — waxing, packing her best outfits, getting her hair together– and her desire to make a good impression while not once considering the type of impression he might make. That personal narrative quickly turned into a general disgruntled rant about all the work women put in to looking their best in hopes of being visually appealing to a man, while men (presumably) sit back and simply enjoy the view. And that’s when I had to remind my girl that the trip she was taking wasn’t just about her solidifying this man’s interest in her, he also needed to be on his best behavior and do everything necessary to make sure he was appealing to her as well.

In this day and age of many want to be called, but few are chosen, women tend to forget that dating isn’t just about getting chose. We choose too — or at least we should be. I don’t need to remind you of all the books of endless relationship advice describing a man’s ideal woman and how to be that, but just because there’s not an equally robust collection of advice for men on how to not be on their worst behavior, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be held to the standard of being your ideal man as well, whatever that looks like to you. I’m sure we can thank the past few years’ investigation into the statistics on single women, namely single Black women, for this “get chose” phenomenon in which a woman’s singleness has become a problem which it is solely our responsibility to fix. Hence, the obsession with looking like a video vixen just to pick up a pack of gum from the corner store and making sure you put it on him so he knows no one else’s sex is a good as yours. Those things in and of themselves aren’t necessarily bad, but what is troubling is the pressure we put on ourselves to be “the one” for someone else without putting an equal amount of thought into what “the one” looks like to us and whether the man in front of you measures up.

In this dating game, everyone should be striving to put their best foot forward. While the numbers on the available options for single Black women have some fellas out here feeling like a prize to be won, let’s not allow statistics to tip the scales solely in his favor. There’s nothing wrong with doing things within your own level of comfort to secure the affections of a man who has shown interest, but there is something wrong when you begin to obsess over being perfect, doing everything right, punishing yourself when things don’t work out, and assuming a failed romantic encounter means you did something wrong or you’re not good enough. Meanwhile on the other side of town ol’ boy is chilling. Of course when you look at singleness from the perspective of a problem that needs fixing,  you want to do any and everything to increase the odds of romantic success, but don’t forget 50% of that success rate is the responsibility of your suitor, and you need to be just as critical of how he presents himself as you are of yourself. Sure, everyone wants to get chose, but the more important thing is to be certain that you choose a man back — not out of fear that there aren’t more fish in the sea or you should be grateful a man like him took interest in you, but because he fits your own standards and makes it a point to be as appealing to you as you work to be for him.  Happy choosing!