Women handle break-ups better than men! This is not a fact, nor rooted in any scientific data, it’s merely an opinion that seems to get widespread support by both men and women alike. How many times have you heard “men just can’t handle emotional pain” or “women are used to being hurt so they deal with disappointment better?” What started out as a list of 5 reasons why men have a tougher time dealing with their loss of “the one” became this circular list that stressed pride, ego, male privilege, lack of support, and this inherent need to be right; but mostly, it went back to different variations of pride and what it means to be a man.
Men are taught from a young age that emotion denotes weakness and the last thing a man, a black man at that, can be viewed as in this society is weak. In order to understand why men, who have been hurt in romantic relationships, shut down and find themselves in utter disbelief is rooted in the patriarchal society in which we live. Men are not supposed to be emotional, men are supposed to be leaders and by leading that means, “being right.” A failed relationship often makes both men and women feel that they were wrong or wronged and for some men this is completely unacceptable.
1.) When men love, we love hard!
It’s not that women love their male counterparts any less than men love women but while women can be known to get swept up in emotion a man’s choice for a mate is to be chosen through some type of logic. We can’t get too caught up in raw emotion because that has made fools of many men before. So when we “choose,” we go hard, for this is the best choice suited for us that the world has to offer. It’s more than beauty, more than sex, when a man chooses to be involved in a relationship; he’s connected to the stability this woman offers into his life.
2.) Lacking a supportive circle
Not many men have safe zones where they can discuss their emotions. Their feelings of insecurity, or inadequacy for fear that they’ll be looked at as weak or one who can’t handle his business. There’s a false sense of bravado that must be displayed and that’s even with our closest male family members, fathers, uncles, and cousins. “Boy, women come a dime a dozen every sunny day, don’t waste your time being upset over one when there are tons more out there.” I remember when I was in a funk over a relationship, my younger brother looked at me with that look. He couldn’t have been more than 15 but he was saying “pull yourself together for God’s sakes.” With that lack of our “waiting to exhale” crew we can easily slip into hiding those emotions and suppressing our feelings which doesn’t allow us to deal with the situation at hand.
3.) Denial
Why deal with the hurt when we can put on a smile and say that we’re A-OK. When you deny your emotions you stifle your chance to grow from an experience. This denial is what puts both men and women back out on the dating scene before they have healed from their last situation. And we all know dating someone new without healing from the old is a disaster waiting to happen. Men have baggage too and most of it stems from the denial of their feelings from previous situations and having never gotten over that situation the next person pays for the issues of the former.
4.) An ego is a perfect thing to waste
It’s our inflated egos that are crushed that really throw us off course. While a person can display to the world that they are doing great, and happy with all of life’s choices, one still has to look at the man in the mirror. When forced to put the mirror to oneself, we see a bruised ego, a man who feels like a shell of himself because “he didn’t see it coming”. This goes back to an inherent need to be right, a need to dominate the situation. When someone is walking out of your life, the last thing you feel you have in that situation is control and for some men this is beyond difficult to deal with.
5.) I lost a good one
If a man is honest with himself, sometimes we lose that special one because of our own demons and inconsistencies. A man feels a deep pain when he knows that he is the cause of losing a great woman. That means he was right, he chose correctly and here he had a Queen, someone he would have married and fathered children with. But that dream is now shattered because he made one too many mistakes. It could be cheating, it could be him not wanting to get certain things in order because those were deal breakers for her. The point is when we look to the demise of a relationship and find that the fault lies within us, that too brings us into a mental of state of “wish I coulda, woulda, shoulda’s.” And if you have ever had a failed opportunity you know how rough it can be to accept that you are the reason that opportunity is gone.
In closing, I’m not suggesting brothers who keep messing up deserve more chances but I do think we as a community need to dialogue about creating safe spaces for black men to deal with their emotional highs and lows. If we keep the cycle of the “tough man competition” we’re only fueling the negative reactions we see to men that are hurt; domestic violence, player types, and mild forms of depression. It’s time for us to start the dialogue around men expressing their emotions.
