9 Best Friend Bad Habits

1. You stop calling each other on their BS.

The worst thing is when friends work together. I’ve witnessed this first hand and it’s very easy for everyone to end up unemployed when friends can’t be honest with each other about their shortcomings. What many people mistakenly think is that friendship is about being polite and avoiding confrontation, but it’s important to (at least privately) let your friends know when they’re f-ing up or just plain not good at something. Got a friend who wants to be the next Janet Jackson but couldn’t dance on beat if Chris Brown was holding them on puppet strings? You’re not doing yourself or your friend any favors by giving them the thumbs up on things that are a clear fail.

2. Liking all the same things without question.

When best friends “click” it’s usually because they have so much in common, but it becomes a problem when you base everything on your bestie’s opinion and stop exploring your own interests. Whether it’s relying on your friend to be your personal travel planner, when you know damn well you want to visit South Africa and not London or not drinking the Scandal Kool-Aid because you’re more of a Game of Thrones kind of gal, make sure to maintain your own identity. There’s big difference between a clique and a cult.

3.  Not holding each other accountable.

Nobody’s perfect, but the great thing about having a friend is that they love you despite your flaws. But there can be flaws that are harmful to a friendship that you shouldn’t be making excuses for. Have you ever seen Something Borrowed?  Kate Hudson stars an obnoxious frenemy who feels that life always has to be about her. Her best friend is in all actuality her “by default”.  The “by default” friend is someone you keep in your circle because you know no matter how much your life sucks, it will always be better than theirs, by default. Harsh reality keeps Kate in check by the end of the film and the same needs to be done to friends whose flaws are disrespectful to the friendship. You’re not doing your friends (or yourself) any favors by making excuses for their destructive behavior.

4. Keeping score.

It’s one thing If someone owes you money for a vacation or an expensive car repair that came unexpectedly, but to tally every dinner you bought or movie ticket you’re owed is plain tacky. You’re not obligated to let your friends ball on your budget if they’re chronically broke, but if you all are playing your parts (you buy drinks one night, they put some gas in the car) then you shouldn’t be treating them like customers by charging convenience fees for things that good friends should do for each other.

5. Making assumptions.

I have a best friend that can tell  I’m having a bad day by the way I stir my coffee when I walk into work, but even the best of friends can miss cues and psychic ability isn’t a necessary part of a good friendship. I hate when people say, “You should know me better than that.”  Try to understand that even friends who know you best may have their own challenges going on that may cause them to miss any “bad day” body language you may be giving off.  So cut all the guessing games and sub-tweets and Facebook stats and actually talk to them about what’s bothering you.

6. Being passive-aggressive.

“It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends,” J.K. Rowling once wrote.  It’s funny just how much Harry Potter is life, but it’s true.  It’s easy to cuss out the random who spilled her drink on you or cut in front of you in line at Bloomingdales. You don’t know her and she owes you nothing. But when the person who held your hand while you got your navel pierced starts to act the fool, it can be hard to find the balance between total bitch and concerned friend. So save yourself a lot of silent suffering and just be direct, even if you have to resort to the old, “When you…it makes me feel…so I’d prefer you…”

7. Holding your friends hostage.

When you have the same homegirls for a while it can be all too easy to get in your feelings when they bring someone new around. Last week I brought my cousin to happy hour with my favorite co-worker and best friend from college.  I learned a long time ago that just because they’re all special to me doesn’t mean they should be best friends too. I noticed there’s a certain energy we all have at happy hour and my cousin (who’s kind of loud and a little ratchet) threw off the whole vibe. But my best friends got through the night without being rude or standoffish out of respect for me. As much as it can be hard to embrace someone new photo-bombing your picture perfect friendship, you have to understand that if you love your friend, someone else is bound to as well. Doesn’t mean you all have to act like sorority sisters, but it’s important to respect not just your friend’s friend, but your friend’s taste as well.

8. Failing to grow.

I’m undecided on the saying that goes, “If you’re the most successful person in your circle, it’s time to find some new friends,” because I believe that sometimes we are brought into other people’s lives to help uplift them.  But what you shouldn’t be doing is dimming your light so your friends don’t feel uncomfortable. You shouldn’t feel the need to avoid mentioning your recent raise, or that expensive bracelet your man bought you because you’re worried about being resented. No one likes a bragger either, but a good friend will be happy because you’re happy instead of finding reasons to hate.

 9. Taking them for granted.

Just because they’re not keeping tab for every 2 for $20 lunch they treated you to, doesn’t mean you should assume the friend with highest paycheck always has the bill or the friend with the car will never leave you stranded. Be courteous and appreciative of all the ways your friends enhance your life and make it more convenient. The best thing about friends is they’re the ones who are not obligated to love you, but do it anyway.

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.