The Art of Silence: Learning When To Step Away From An Argument
I was thinking about all of that while my parents were busy not sympathizing with Thandie’s character. And the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I was going to burst. But instead of popping off and saying something that might have gotten me slapped, I texted my sister who was sitting in the same room.
Me: “I just cannot understand how mom and dad have no sympathy for that woman when you could have easily been in the same situation when you were arrested. And furthermore I can’t understand why they empathized with the husband who went “Malcolm X.”
My sister, Vanessa: Right I was going to say that but was over the argument.
*Sidenote* I can count on one hand–maybe just three fingers– the number of times I’ve been ‘over’ an argument…what is that like?
Me: I’m too hurt
Vanessa: Clearly LOL don’t stress. They just don’t see it.
I promise you, I was going to finish the movie, keep my mouth shut, eat my dinner and go to bed pissed off, seriously questioning the people who’d raised me. But then I got the permission I needed.
Vanessa: Sound off
So after the movie was over, I turned to my parents (I had turned away from them while they were expressing viewpoints I wasn’t trying to hear because I’m so mature.) and said with a friendly- I mean no disrespect-smile on my face, “I’m really hurt that you all didn’t empathize with Thandie’s character.” My dad said, “I know you are,” and chuckled. Then I explained to them how even though she was black and should have known what the police do to black people, specifically black men, her emotions still could have gotten the best of her. And we should still empathize with her because she was mistreated, molested, for just being human and expressing anger.
They still didn’t get it.
Then I pulled out my trump card. “The exact same thing could have happened to Vanessa. You wouldn’t have empathized with her in that situation?”
They each paused for a second. My dad: “Of course I would have empathized with my baby.” And my mom even noted that I was right. (Good ole mom.) But my dad was really hung up on this point of Thandie putting her husband’s life in danger and was sure Vanessa would have been able to control her temper and her tongue if it was someone else’s life at stake. And my mom agreed with him on that too. (Traitor.)
I had to get up.
It wasn’t until I was fixing my plate and tears started streaming down my face that I realized, once again, that I had taken things too far. Why was I in here crying about a movie and a hypothetical argument? It just wasn’t worth it for me to get that worked up. Sure it was more personal but my sister wasn’t molested in real life, Thandie was probably kicking it in an LA mansion somewhere while I was crying in my parent’s kitchen and most importantly, my sister who could relate to Thandie’s plight more than any of us, was completely “over it” half an hour ago. Maybe I should have chilled and let my parents think what they thought and saved myself the heartache.
I know I feel like I have to argue because I know how women often have to fight to be heard. And that’s true. Our opinions often don’t hold as much weight, even in our most intimate relationships, simply because we’re women. But there is something to be said about well timed silence. And I’m not suggesting only women implement this strategy. Men could benefit from employing silence as well. It doesn’t always equal weakness. It can be used to maintain your own sanity. I have no idea how I’ll even begin to incorporate such a strategy in my own life because I love to argue. But I must admit there’s power in letting your silence tell the person not that you’ve acquiesced or agree with their way of thinking, but that you’ve made an executive decision to no longer allow yourself to participate in debate that will solve no problem and serve no greater purpose, as was the case with the Crash debate. As strongly as I felt about it, it just wasn’t that deep.
Do you have a problem letting certain things roll off your back? When you’re arguing how do you know that you’ve taken things too far?
