7 Things Men Do Instead Of Fight And How To Deal With It

September 24, 2013  |  
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Do you ever feel like you’re having an argument with yourself, even though your boyfriend is standing right in the room?! That’s because men are experts at deflecting, avoiding and denying. Here are 7 things men do instead of fight.

Remain silent

The silent man is just too angry to talk; he is shutting down. Of course you know that suppressing anger helps nothing, but he is so angry with you that he doesn’t even think you deserve a conversation. Or, he may be doing this because he wants to sort out his feelings before talking.

 

What to do

The best thing to do when your guy is shutting down is to leave the room. This A) Helps you respect yourself because you’re not just talking to someone who is ignoring you and B) Makes the guy feel instantly silly—now he is sitting there like a pouting toddler on time out and C) Gives your guy space to sort out his thoughts, not under a time crunch.

 

The premature apologizer

Some guys hate fighting so much they’ll apologize profusely the moment you say, “Babe, we need to talk…” Even though they have no idea what they’ve done wrong. He’ll probably beat you to the punch by reprimanding himself: “I know, I’m the worst boyfriend. I’m terrible. You deserve so much better.” How do you respond to that? He’s stolen your thunder!

What to do

Don’t let the premature apologizer win you over. Look at him in the eyes and say, “I know what you’re doing. But apologizing doesn’t mean we don’t have to talk about what I’m upset about.” And then go on to say what it is you are upset about.

The cross-accuser

The cross-accuser will have every instance that you made a similar mistake to the one he just madeready to go. It will sound like he has been taking note of every one of these instances for years.

 

What to do

Remind the cross-accuser that just because you made a similar mistake, doesn’t mean that it’s an okay thing to do. Tell him that even you want to be more conscious of making that mistake yourself, and that you realize you’re not perfect. Make sure he knows you’re not trying to prosecute him; you’re just saying that the action in question is not good for your relationship, and you should both be aware of that.

The finger-pointer

The finger-pointer will do anything to deflect the blame away from him, and that usually means directing it at you. He’ll tell you why your actions provoked him to do whatever he did wrong and how at the core of his wrong doing is something you messed up.

 

What to do

The last thing you want to do is get on the defensive; otherwise you’ll be fighting for hours. You just have to suck it up and accept a little blame, but then say you don’t want to focus on what started the problem; you want to focus on how to fix it.

The logical thinker

The logical thinker is uncomfortable around emotion, so if you’re crying or even yelling, he will remain perfectly calm and ask interrogating questions, as if he’s trying to find out the mathematical equation that lead to this reaction. You’ll want to throw a plate at his head.

What to do (instead of throw a plate)

Usually, the logical thinker is just looking at the facts—what happened—and not what they represent. To him, being ten minutes late is just being ten minutes late, but to you it represents a deeper issue you two have been struggling with. Explain that to him in a way he will understand. Make sure he knows you aren’t being unreasonably emotional but that there is deeper meaning behind the seemingly small mistake he made.

The guy who runs from conflict at all costs

The guy who runs from conflict at all costs will give up his dignity, his time, his peace of mind—whatever it takes—to appease you. He’ll do any unreasonable things you ask him to do, including agree with you when he totally doesn’t, to get you to stop arguing.

What to do

Tell this guy that it’s okay to disagree with you, and that you want to know his real thoughts on the matter—even if they aren’t that nice. Show him that you’re capable of discussing something in a manner that isn’t arguing. He just wants to know that you’ll stay calm. So do that.

The abandon-ship guy

With the abandon-ship guy, any argument is enough reason for him to end the relationship. You can’t bring up the tiniest issue without him saying, “Well then maybe we shouldn’t be together!”

 

What to do

The abandon-ship guy needs to be put in his place. You need to show him you’re not frightened by his threats, and you know they are empty. You can do this by laughing, or making a joke, or ignoring the threats all together. He only uses the threats to gain power in the argument: he doesn’t mean them. Tell him if he wants to actually fix the issue at hand, he has to stop making these over-reactionary threats.

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