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When you’re newly dating someone, every tiny step can be interpreted as a monumental message. This is especially true when canceling on a date. If done wrong, it may be the last time that person ever asks you out. And then you have an awkward run in at a bar two months later, where neither of you are exactly sure why it didn’t work out. Don’t let that happen. Follow the proper date-canceling etiquette.
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Don’t text
Texting implies that you are probably lying, and didn’t want the person to hear it in your voice. And it also says he was not worth enough time for you to just pick up the phone.
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Don’t invite him to tag along on your other plans
This is just embarrassing for both of you. If you’re canceling on your date to go to another event, don’t offer to bring the guy along. This makes him feel like you pity him, more than like him.
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DO offer an alternative plan
If you don’t want it to feel like a total blow-off, suggest a future, concrete plan. Leaving potential plans hanging in the air could mean no plans at all; the guy you just cancelled on won’t want to risk his pride by initiating a second date. That’s your job now.
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Don’t tell him about the cool thing you’re doing instead
If you’re canceling not out of obligation to work or family but because something better came up—maybe you’re not that interested in the person—he doesn’t need to know that. You have to tell a white lie and make it seem like you have an obligation.
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Don’t fail to offer a reason
“Hey, I can’t make it tonight.” How awful does it feel to hear those words? You’re sitting there waiting for an explanation, but you feel nosy if you ask for it. Don’t put your canceled date in this position. Give an explanation, even if you have to make one up. Failing to give one will make him feel like you don’t think he’s important enough to explain things to.
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Don’t tell a drastic lie
Don’t say your grandpa is sick or your dog died and that’s why you have to cancel; karma is real. Oh and also, those are the oldest lies in the book!
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Do be honest about your schedule
While it’s best if you can suggest a concrete plan right away, sometimes your schedule just won’t allow that. If that’s the case, explain why making a future plan right now will be hard, but that you do want to make one. If you make a concrete plan out of guilt, and have to cancel again, then the guy will feel certain you’re just blowing him off.
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Don’t over-explain
There is a middle ground when it comes to explaining why you are canceling. Explaining for ten minutes, including every tiny detail, is almost as bad as giving no explanation at all: it makes it sound like you’re lying and nervously uttering nonsense to cover it up.
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Do understand if the reverse happens
Plenty a narcissist out there believes her schedule is the most important in the world, and that she’s completely justified in canceling on someone else but how dare someone cancel on her. Don’t be that person. If you want a guy to give you the benefit of the doubt when you cancel, do him the same courtesy if he has to cancel. If you call him out for being flakey or lying, he isn’t going to be complacent when you cancel.
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Don’t overbook
Be realistic about how long things take from parking, to running home to change, to driving across town. Double and triple booking can often mean having to call everything off, because you’re a half hour behind all day long. And what’s worse is explaining to one person you can’t make it to dinner because the drinks date you scheduled just 45 minutes earlier is running late. They won’t think you were that committed to your dinner in the first place if you were scheduling another engagement so close to it.
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Do offer to make it up
If you’re canceling on a specific plan that could only happen that night—like a concert or one-time event—you can’t make that up by offering to get coffee the next day. Show that you appreciate the really unique date the guy had planned for you by coming up with something equally cool that you will take him to.
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Don’t cancel if you were the plus one
If your date was counting on you to be his plus one to an event that it would be really awkward for him to go alone to, and really difficult for him to find a plus one to late in the game, don’t cancel. And definitely don’t cancel if he already spent a lot of money on something he can’t get a refund on.
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Do express remorse
If it’s not clear yet, you should make it clear you’re upset you have to miss the date! Don’t speak in a matter-of-fact, cold tone. Sound really sorry, and really bummed. Use your tone, not just your words, to express remorse.
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Don’t cancel on the same person over and over again
If you’re doing this, you need to be real with yourself: you’re not that into the guy. We make time for the people who are important to us. And those who aren’t…well…there is somehow always something else we have to do instead of see them.
