Skip The Regret: How To Turn Your Relationship Hindsight Into Foresight

July 17, 2013  |  

Now, who doesn’t hate it when you’ve just experienced something difficult?  But the worst part of it is when you realize that it was avoidable.  I, personally, hate those moments.  They cause me to feel defeat on two different levels.  Not just that I felt beaten by something, but it makes me question my intelligence like:  “The signs were so clear?  Why didn’t I see it?”  There’s a quote that says:  “Hindsight is 20/20,” and boy are they right.

I think we’ve all had those moments of regret, especially if we could have bypassed the drama in the first place.  Well, don’t worry.  Just like in school, you will experience many tests, but the answers are always available, especially if someone else has taken the test before you.  Then they can share their answers.  Therefore, I’m going to share my own personal tips that have helped me, from some very difficult lessons that I’ve learned in life.

See things for how they are, now how you want them to be – We’ve discussed that Maya Angelou quote before of:  “When people show you who they are, believe them.”  It is so true, that it must be repeated.  So many times we meet people and fall for their representatives, and when some unpleasantness comes out, we’re very quick to create an answer to ourselves.  No, they’re just having a bad day.  They’re very stressed.  I would be mad too if I didn’t win the lottery.  Exceptions can be made, but not for a persistent characteristic.  If a person seems to be having a bad day, everyday, then that should be a clue for you to be looking for exits.  Yes, you should help people, but not beyond your means.  You can’t save everyone, and if someone is trying to guilt you into staying with them that person is in more need of help than you can give them.  They need a relationship with a professional, not you, not now.

Notice the common trend – If you ask someone about their past friendships and relationships and they all end the exact same way, that shows that they might treat everyone the same.  I’ll put myself on blast right now.  I was dating a guy who, when I asked him how did his past relationships ended, he would say things like: “Those girls were just crazy.” After getting more information, he told me about how one girl pulled a knife on him, and how another kept on hitting him so he pushed her into a car window.  He always made it seem like these girls’ behaviors were completely unprovoked.  But, after that first punch to my face, the girls’ actions had more subtext now.  Now, not every relationship is going to end well.  However, if someone is only putting the blame on everyone else, maybe it’s not all of those exes, or ex-friends, maybe it’s the person that you’re involved with.

They’re asking for too much, too quick – One of the articles that was ran on this site that really spoke to me was written by Brooke Dean, entitled:  “If He Loved You, He Wouldn’t Ask You To… 10 Things You Should Never Do For A Man.”   When I say that article spoke to me, that would be an understatement.  So many times women are bombarded with the message that in order for you to be a great girlfriend/spouse, you need to be down for whatever your man/woman wants to do.  There’s a difference between a supportive girlfriend, and a girlfriend that’s being manipulated.  A relationship should be two people supporting each other, and if you notice that you’re the only one holding pom-poms, drop them and drop him/her.  Because if the relationship is starting out with you being the only one who’s bending, that person is going to get used to that dynamic.  So, when you try to stand up for yourself later on, they’re going to shut you down extra quick.

Now, saying goodbye to someone doesn’t mean that you stopped caring for them, it just means that you started caring for yourself more.  Don’t allow yourself to be blinded by how you want things to be, and accept how things really are.  That’s the only way that you’ll be able to take care of yourself.  Your foresight might not totally be 20/20, but by removing your rose-colored glasses, you’ll be able to see more clearly.

Kendra Koger might not wear glasses, but she sure wants to.  She also wants you to visit her Twitter @kkoger.

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