Beauty And the Butch: The Real Reason Straight Men Should Feel Threatened By Lesbians
Besides the fact that maybe butch lesbians dress a little better than straight men, any imagined competition ends there. All of the women Jazz had been in serious relationships with since her teenage years revealed that it was the first lesbian relationship they had been involved in. “When we’d break up, I’d always ask them, ‘What made you go out with me? Like, why were you attracted to me?’ And they’d always reply it was the way I made them feel. I made them feel really comfortable than an average person would make them feel. That can be a positive and a negative.”
Most men focus on the physical because that’s easy. It’s easy to justify why or why not a woman likes you if your criteria consists of how much money you have, how flat your stomach is or how “big” your package is. But when you truly begin to take a look at how you treat a woman and make her feel and how that might be lacking, it can make you wonder, can a man compete with a woman on that level? I think so, but it takes a whole lot of maturity and some brutally offensive honesty that it takes many men a long time to gain.
Masculinity isn’t as simple as dirty fingernails, a genetic excuse to be promiscuous and knowing how to change oil. I think as more and more men begin to feel threatened by the pliable definition that masculinity seems to be taking with skinny jeans, the lack of employment that many men define themselves by and this imagined threat by butch lesbians, they become more aggressive in their efforts to claim their territory. Jazz mentions that her relationships with most men are solid, but there are men who take it personally when she is seen with a pretty female. “Men are getting more aggressive and disrespectful. Society is aggressive in general. I am not the type to go up to some guy if he’s trying to holla at my girl because I know she’s coming home with me.” I remember a day when a woman could walk down the street with her man and another guy would keep it moving, now men don’t care who you’re with or even if you want to talk to them. That’s not a straight or lesbian problem, that’s a disrespect problem.
When a woman comes out as a lesbian, it can cause her peers to question what they’re working with but male family members to wonder where they went wrong. I can’t claim to know how homosexuality is handled in white households across America, but it’s no secret that within the African-American community any threat to traditional male and female gender roles is met with shame and sometimes even hostility. Coming from a bi-racial household, Jazz mentions that when it comes to accepting homosexuality, African-Americans and Latinos still have a long way to go. “Men can see two women doing it. Lesbian women are more acceptable in the Latino community, it’s physically more attractive. Two guys are just narsty. It’s about pleasing your man.” It’s a somber reminder that as with many things in our society, what’s generally accepted when it comes to sexuality is determined by what gets it up for a guy. Luckily, in Jazz’s case the men in her family loved and accepted her regardless, and even with an abuelo who may not directly mention her sexuality, he still makes it a point to remind her and everyone else at every family function that he loves his grand-daughter regardless of whom she’s sleeping with. “It’s not about your image, your image doesn’t define your personality. That daughter you raised is our same daughter, she just chooses to wear different clothes. Who I choose to lay up in the bed with is my personal choice.” Still I find myself wanting a world where it isn’t applauded when we choose to love our family members despite their sexual status, because that should be a given.
If you removed the pronouns from our conversation about romance and relationships, the truth is it didn’t sound like anything any other twenty-year old doesn’t experience when juggling serious relationships, the realization you may have met “the one” that all of the relationships you’ve been through played a part in preparing you for that person. What most mature women want in a partner is someone who understands that love is about more than wallet and private part size, but someone who can really invest the time and emotion to love them at their best and worst after realizing exactly what that looks like. When men make love and sex as simple as reproductive anatomy and whose jeans cost the most, they’ll lose their woman to someone who’s about more than that every time, whether that person is straight from the “L-Word” cast or another man. It’s not as easy as wondering why someone wants a dildo over the real thing. Give women some credit. It’s not like we see a private part and everything else fades from sight. Like Jazz says, “There are other body parts too.”
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog Bullets and Blessings .
