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Embarking on a lifelong journey with your loved one comes with many pleasures, but there are also several pains—growing pains. Even after dating for years, there are some things you will never know until you live with someone and they completely let down their guard. Something about marriage changes relationships and says, “I don’t have to worry about this anymore.” The pressures of dating are gone. Things you have avoided, like passing gas in front of your boyfriend, will inevitably happen in front of your husband. While you may have thought he was a fairly clean man, you may notice brown streaks in his undies.
Newlyweds tend to have the silliest arguments that, if left untreated, turn into irreconcilable differences. If you are aware of the bumps in the road before they happen, it is easier to prepare ahead of time and get yourself ready for the journey of marriage—not just the wedding. Here’s how:
1. Recognize that his needs and your needs are different.
Men and women seek fulfillment in different ways. While, as a women, you may seek for your emotional needs to be met through cuddling and compliments, your husband may need his physical needs met through sex. It’s a good idea to identify each person’s top five needs and how they like them to be met. As partners, we need to communicate our needs and do our best to make sure they are satisfied.
2. Recognize that “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
Upbringings will clash. You came from a particular way of doing things in the house and he came from another. Even if you and your spouse came from similar backgrounds, they were still different. No matter how much we fight it, there is a little bit of our mothers in all of us and the longer we are married the more she comes out. The important thing in this area is to embrace differences and take good qualities from both homes to form your own. It doesn’t matter how someone cleans the dishes as long as they are cleaned.
3. Oh, about that toilet seat thing…
Everyone has quirky things about their daily routine that could drive another person crazy. When you get married, you become subject to all of these things. You may have known some things, but you probably didn’t know it all. Anything potentially harmful should be addressed, but the rest should be laid to rest. If he leaves clothes on the floor and doesn’t pick them up in a timely manner, just do it for him. It may be something ingrained in him and not worth causing an argument.
4. Recognize that your spouse is not a clairvoyant.
You cannot expect your spouse to know what you need or want if it is not communicated. People, especially men, don’t read minds. Unexpressed expectations lead to ambush fights. You start yelling and he’s standing there looking like a deer in headlights.
5. Recognize that some expectations are unrealistic.
Sometimes the picture we paint of our dream husband is who we expect our actual husband to be; and, while he may meet some of those standards, he is not a superhero. It is unrealistic to expect him to be skilled at everything or conform to what your moods want him to be.
6. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Why put energy into being unhappy? Focusing on all of the minor irritations in life will just leave you frustrated and unhappy. We can’t change other people or control what they do, but we do have control over how we respond. Ultimately, we choose to be angry or upset. It’s more fun to be happy.
7. Something (or someone) has to give.
Learning to compromise on insignificant matters is a necessity in marriage. Your partner should not have to see the movie of your choice or eat at your favorite restaurants to avoid sour attitudes, or vice versa. Unlike single life, marriage is not all about you. In fact, it is more about sacrificing your wishes for those of someone you love.
8. An apology is worth a thousand words.
Marriage is the greatest character builder. In order for it to work, we must grow as human beings. Learning to acknowledge our shortcomings and say “I’m sorry” can be challenging. Yet, it can make all of the difference in mending fences and healing after disagreeing.
9. Recognize that you and your partner speak different love languages.
Love can be expressed in numerous ways and everyone has preferences. If your primary love language is quality time, let your partner know. As with needs, it is a good idea for you and your partner to discuss your primary love languages to give one another an understanding of what actions make you feel loved.
10. Recognize that no one is perfect.
Everyone has faults and everyone is guaranteed to make mistakes. Oftentimes, we make the same mistakes more than once. It is important not to judge one another but see where our strengths complement each other’s weaknesses.
