Straight From His Mouth: Do We Need Your Baby Daddy’s Approval?
Give Your New Man an Opportunity to Speak for Himself
I love you women folk and all, but for whatever reason you always assume you know what’s best for everyone. Ladies – and I say this with love – you don’t always know what’s best for everyone. Whenever you’ve made what you think is a great a decision based on your own personal input that directly impacts me, such as deciding that you’re going to do a surprise introduction between me and your baby’s daddy, please do me a favor, DON’T!
A grown man should be given the opportunity to have an adult-level conversation with you about your expectations for the meet-up before you plan the meet-up on his behalf. It’s very possible that he might not want to meet your baby daddy or maybe he’s wide-open to it. Either way, it should be a discussion you have together; not a decision you make on your own. As discussed in the first section, there should be an open dialogue about how the meet-up might go based on your current status with your baby daddy, prior meetings he’s had with other ex-boyfriends, or if you don’t know, that should be shared as well. What should not happen? I find out your baby daddy is coming over when the doorbell rings. That places everyone in an awkward situation that could have been easily avoided. Unless, of course, he’s crazy and shows up randomly to your home, which still shouldn’t be a surprise if you followed the tips from above!
Give Your Baby Daddy an Opportunity to Speak for Himself
When dealing with men, keep this in mind and you will go far: guys don’t make new friends, we only lose old friends. If your expectation is that your baby’s dad and I are going to become best friends, you have likely misplaced your hopes. I personally haven’t made a new friend since Tupac was alive. Similar to the same opportunity you should give your new boyfriend, your baby daddy should be asked (not volunteered) if he wants to meet the new man in your life. If there’s no way around it, such as a joint function, he should at least be notified that the new man in your life will be there. If he chooses to be immature from there and avoid you both, at least you can rest comfortably knowing you did your part.
Expectations should be appropriately set. The goal is to create some form of civility where all parties can agree to attempt to act like adults for the betterment of the child, because in the end, it’s the child’s experience that matters the most. That said, I don’t expect your child’s father to be my best friend or give me daps every time he sees me. Even if a man doesn’t have romantic feelings for you, keep in mind that he is not ignorant of a few facts: 1) I am sleeping with the woman he at least loved/liked/tolerated long enough to sleep with himself; and 2) I am the “other man” in his child’s life now. Even the most mature adult might need a little time to reach a place of emotional tolerance. This means that expecting them to sit down with us to play a trash-talk filled game of spades during our first awkward tri-family barbecue might be reaching.
While keeping these tips in mind, I must repeat that your baby daddy should not have any democratic influence on the status of your relationships after him. If he does, it might be an issue of whether you still have feelings for him, because why are you allowing him to vote on your relationships? He’s not Simon Cowell and this aint “American Idol.” At best, your baby daddy can address issues with you that the child tells him, since some children are more comfortable talking to the parent who isn’t the source of the conflict. However, even these discussions should only be given value to the degree that your X is a creditable source of information. If the child is old enough, you can discuss it with them directly or as a group in the new relationship. Other than that, your baby daddy should have little to no influence on your relationship. He isn’t dating your new man and if your new man does right by you and your child, then the father’s opinion shouldn’t matter.
What are your thoughts…Should your baby’s father/mother meet your new boyfriend/girlfriend? How do you decide when the time is right? Should they have any influence on the status of the new relationship? Do you require their “approval” for anyone you seriously date?
WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM and on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.
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