“Girl On Top” is a weekly sex column on Madame Noire. Stay tuned for more topics, comment or write us at editors@madamenoire.com if you have suggestions!
I got two very interesting questions from readers regarding cunnilingus. Here’s the first one. Peep my response and weigh in via the comments!
Dear Toldja,
I have a great boyfriend. We’ve been together about six months and we’ve got a good thing going. Just one problem: he doesn’t perform oral sex. He says he just never has really done it and doesn’t like it, it makes him feel weird, etc. I go down on him…like, I go DOWN (That stuff you wrote about in your blow job posts? Yeah, I do that.) He doesn’t make me feel like I have to, but when I tell him that I think it’s unfair that I do and he doesn’t, he’ll say “Well, you LIKE doing it.”
I don’t feel completely satisfied by our sexual relationship. The intercourse and foreplay are cool…but I’m breaking my neck to give the perfect blow job and I can’t get a little tongue action in response? I don’t know what to do.
L.R.
Darling, darling, darling,
I can’t imagine six months with a man who can’t tell me what I taste like. I don’t know whether or not to give you kudos for seeing beyond this sexual issue and enjoying the other side of this man or if I’m concerned about your willingness to put your pleasure on the backburner. I’d have to see the other spaces of your relationship to make that assessment, but I’ll take your word for it and say it’s great.
So you have a great man who’s uncomfortable with something you want sexually. I would ask him what the root of this issue is. Perhaps his first experience was bad, maybe he dealt with a woman who had an odor or a bad taste. He may have been molested or had some sort of sexual trauma. Try to figure out why there’s some sort of trepidation and let that guide how you proceed.
If it seems like something awful brought him to this place, you need to be gentle in your approach. Create a safe space where you affirm that he can trust you, no pressure. Let him know you’d really like to to have him do this and you are willing to walk him through the process. A full grown man who’s never given head is probably gonna be terrible at first…perhaps he’s afraid of that.
Now, if it seems like he just thinks the whole thing is “nasty” or unnecessary…well, that doesn’t sit well with me, baby-cakes. I’d tell him “Look, my (insert your preferred word for vagina) is good enough for you to have sex with. My mouth is good enough for you to enter. I’m gonna need you to realize that this simply isn’t fair. I really want you to get past your fear or disgust and do this for me. If you can’t, well, perhaps I shouldn’t be doing this for you. Something to think about, hon.” He’s an adult. He shouldn’t think its okay for you to do this for him and he doesn’t reciprocate. It seems unfair and silly on his part and may speak to some issues with selfishness to come.
Since this doesn’t seem to be a non-negotiable on your part, I won’t say you need to leave this man alone. But you owe it to yourself to have some understanding as to why this man won’t give what he gets. And from there make a decision: how much does it matter to you?
