Are You The Problem? 8 Thoughts That Are Keeping You Single

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Here’s a pill that’s hard to swallow: the way things are in your love life is exactly the way you like them to be. Sure, you say you’re not happy being single. And maybe you’re not happy, but you’re comfortable. You’re not facing any of your fears or leaving your comfort zone—two things you would have to do to find a relationship. And, the typical human being tends to prefer what they know—even if they don’t necessarily like it—than the unknown, even if that may come with more pleasure. Here are 8 things and thoughts that may be limiting your chances at a soul connection.


He’s too this or that…

Every guy you meet comes with the risk of disappointment in either the form of rejection, or you discovering you’re just not into him. So, maybe you do give a guy your number and even agree to a date. You begin to step out of your comfort zone. But then, the little psychoanalyst in you comes out. And those thoughts begin to churn, “Well, he treated the bartender kind of strangely, and he was texting a lot, and one of his friends seemed rude.” You find one little nugget of information and from that, you conclude things about the guy’s personality and you decide you’re better off just cancelling the next date. You’d rather err on the side of caution, than go find out for yourself if maybe you were wrong about the guy and be pleasantly surprised.

“I need a relationship to be happy”

Believe it or not one of the things keeping you single is that you really don’t want to be. Look: nobody wants to be somebody’s savior. No man should want to be your sole source of happiness. And if you haven’t created for yourself a life that you love, full of friends and activities that you rave about, then you’ll be dead in the water on a date. Guys notice when you don’t talk about your own life. And they notice that that usually means you don’t have one, and that you’ll be very clingy. You might be single for a while, so enjoy it. And, doing so might just get you out of your state of singledom. It’s a win-win.

“There are no good men out there”

It isn’t fair of you to decide that all men are sub-par because of several sub-par experiences. Just because you’ve been deceived or betrayed by an ex-boyfriend and have not had an exciting date in years doesn’t mean that there’s nobody out there. In a world full of billions of people, we know that certainly can’t be the case. You may be deterred by what you’re seeing as of late, but make sure you stay open to the idea that a great man awaits you.

“I’m going to do the same thing all over again”

So you’ve got some bad habits of your own, and they’ve ruined a relationship or three for you. Perhaps you’re too demanding, too needy, too controlling, too jealous—you name it. If you have already identified that your problems, and not the men you choose, have ruined your relationships, then you’re already in a place to turn things around. The trouble is, as mentioned before, humans like the familiar. Even though you know you shouldn’t, you might respond in that wrong way all over again because it’s what you know. Always know that you have the power to control how you react. Don’t let that inner voice tell you, “This is just what you do.” You choose what you do. And if you keep messing up in the same ways, you’d just rather be comfortable than happy.

“He doesn’t like me”

Because he takes too long to text back, didn’t invite you to a party, or didn’t show you much affection one night?  There is so much room for misinterpretation when getting to know somebody. His delayed text could have been due to a million things and yet, you always “know” it’s because he doesn’t like you. And you feel more comfortable assuming that, and giving up on the guy, than risking rejection but discovering the truth. If you want to be happy, you have to do the ladder. If you are really ballsy, you just ask the guy: “Look, do you like me or not?” If he didn’t you were going to face rejection no matter what, it just might have taken longer. If he did you just did yourself a huge favor by being brave.

“I’m not girlfriend material”

There is no such thing as girlfriend material. What do you think that even looks like? A girl that prepares snacks every Sunday for him and his friends to watch Football? A girl who perfectly coordinates her life with somebody else’s? A girl who has no insecurities? No such girl exists. Everybody is a little bit crazy and weird. You just have to find the crazy and weird that works for you. Be a fly on the wall of even the most perfect seeming relationship and you’ll see that everybody’s got problems. You are girlfriend material simply because you’re a female who wants to be loved and who has love to give. It’s as simple as that.


“I’m too busy with my career goals”

Just because you are goal oriented doesn’t mean love has to be put on the back burner. Love and career are not mutually exclusive. Once you get that idea out of your head, you’ll be more receptive to accepting love in all the right places. Hey, that new love interest just may be a professional contact or someone who shares your career goals, thereby getting you further ahead.

“My expectations are too high”

You think you expect too much from love. Maybe you think your expectations for chemistry are too high, or that you’re too demanding of your partners. So you keep seeing a guy it’s just not there with. You go on 5, 6, 7…dates with a man that you feel no chemistry with telling yourself, “I’m broken in some way. I’m just incapable of feeling chemistry. He’s a good guy. I should make this work.” Of course, chemistry cannot be forced and you always eventually have to face the fact that it’s not there with this guy. But, you get so exhausted because you put yourself through so much time with a man you weren’t into, that you don’t want to date for a while. Learn to trust your gut and walk away when it’s not there. You’ll save yourself the energy you need to power through all the men you’ll have to power through before find thing right one. And trust me, there will probably be a lot to power through. Chemistry is hard to find.

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