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Do you seem to date men who just can’t get their act together? Men who, if you weren’t there packing their lunch and dropping them off, would probably skip work, or night classes or whatever their responsibilities are? It’s no coincidence: these guys look for you. But, what’s more alarming is that you look for them.

Here are a few reasons why that may be…

You don’t want to grow up

For some women, dating a guy who is always ten steps behind her allows her to ignore the reality that she is 30 steps behind everyone else her age. If you’re not going after the job that you should, or you’re struggling to finish school—whatever it might be—you might take comfort in having someone around who makes you always feel like the responsible one in comparison to him.

You might not feel worthy of someone better

You might fear that a grown up man wouldn’t want you anyways. Even if you are trying hard to get ahead in life, you might be ashamed to date a man who is ahead while you’re still struggling to start that company, or get that job or open that restaurant.

You rather forget gender roles

You need someone who will pull you up, not someone who, granted, boosts your ego because they are less successful than you but who will pull you down. Also, men like helping women. It’s in their nature to be the provider and the reality is that men judge women by their financial/career success far less than women judge men by that. A man isn’t going to reject you because you’re not a CEO yet. Your ambition will be enough for him.

You come from generations of boys

What I mean by this is that, your mom married a man who couldn’t get his life together; Her mom married a man like that. Your brother was a man like that by influence of your dad. You may come from a family in which women nagging men to be better was the norm.

You’re afraid of the unfamiliar

If it’s all you know then, even if it’s unpleasant, you’re comfortable around men who you have to nag. It might be the only reality you accept. If we believe people are, at heart, “bad,” then good people make us uncomfortable. We don’t have tactics to deal with them. If you’ve become bitter about men then the language of being bitter is the only one you know, and a nice man who just wants to come in, take care of you and take care of himself (for god sake) might frighten you because that’s foreign to you.


You yourself might be needy

The reality is that, a strong, confident, responsible man just isn’t going to make you feel needed as much. He will make you feel wanted, but you might have become accustomed to the idea that being needed  (and I mean you have to make his meals, find him a job, pick him up when he’s drunk) is the only form of being wanted. You might not have enough confidence to be with a man with whom, you’ll have to know your own value on your own. He isn’t going to show it to you every day by asking you to clean up his messes.

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