Being The First Friend To Get Married Left Me Feeling Alone

People assume getting married automatically makes life fuller — that once you say “I do,” you unlock a new level of joy, stability, and companionship that somehow makes everything else easier. 

But no one prepares you for how isolating it can feel when you’re the first in your friend group to tie the knot. 

Suddenly, the very people who helped shape you into the woman your partner fell in love with start treating you like you’ve crossed over into another universe. And instead of celebrating this new chapter with you, they seem unsure how to include you in theirs.

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I’m Still The Same Me, But With A Ring 

It gets exhausting constantly proving to my friends that I’m still the same person despite having a wedding ring on my finger at age 28.

I find myself reassuring them: “I still like to be outside with my girls,” “I promise my partner is fine with me going out,” or “I’m not going to be on the phone with my husband the whole time.”

I love my friends, but why does marriage automatically signal that your social life must shrink? Why do people assume you lose the community that helped get you to this point?

California-licensed marriage and family & dating coach therapist Bree Jenkins explained this dynamic to MadameNoire.

“Friendships feel imbalanced after one person gets married before the rest because there’s actually a new family formation. In social psychology, we call it the ‘Form, Storm, Norm, Perform” cycle,’ Jenkins shared. 

She elaborated that the “form” is the life transition — the new marriage itself. Then comes the “storm” when everyone has to renegotiate boundaries: ‘Am I still prioritized? What does hanging out look like now? Where do I fit in your life?’

Marriage, parenthood, divorce, and experiences of birth or loss all reshape a person’s priorities and naturally change how they choose to socialize.

The Lone Wolf 

The discomfort people feel toward you going through significant life changes often equates to the distance they’ll create between you and them. 

Within 8 months of being married, I’ve felt excluded from conversations and plans with friends, wondering how I can be included again.

As soon as I felt the distance starting to build, I quickly made efforts to remind them I’m still here despite the life change. I didn’t expect how lonely it would feel trying to balance who I was with who I’m becoming. 

I’ve always been the friend who answers at all hours—midnight venting, “you won’t believe this” calls, and emergency pep talks. But now, with my husband sleeping next to me, I can’t be on FaceTime until 2 a.m.

If it’s truly urgent, I’ll step out for a quick recap. But the days of always being available are gone.

Jenkins suggests telling your friends, “You are all critical to me, you can call me if I can’t talk, I’ll always be happy to find time to connect.” 

And here’s the ironic part: I started to experience unanswered calls from my friends who are in serious relationships, too. 

I didn’t understand why they wouldn’t answer the phone after 9 p.m. on a weekday or at all on the weekend, but eventually got a clue to the unspoken boundary set. Those hours are allocated to their partner which I had to respect.

If I have something to share, I’ll send a text and anticipate a response the following day. I’ve adapted to those changes in the friendship dynamic and now hope my other friends will too. 

Adapting To Change

Jenkins emphasizes that vulnerability is key when navigating these changing dynamics.

“It can be very isolating when you still desire and want to maintain your super important connections,” Jenkins shared. “The vulnerability goes a long way in telling your girlfriends and friends like ‘Hey, yes I’ve been boo’d up in the house… but I need my girlfriend time.”

No matter what phase of life I’m going through, the time I have with my closest girlfriends is unmatched. I feel refreshed, reset and ready to take on whatever life has to throw my way because of the conversation, laughter, relatability and joy I share with my girls.

Jenkins explains that often, our friends don’t know how to support us because they haven’t changed — we have. Jenkins believes we must be open and set guidelines on how your community can support you through this transition. 

Marriage Doesn’t Make Me Boring 

Some friends even assume my interests have changed. Like I wouldn’t still watch Joseline’s Cabaret. Be serious — those were my shows way more than theirs, or that I wouldn’t like to check out the hottest day parties happening that weekend.

However, I’ll give grace, knowing some women change drastically after marriage—dropping shared interests, altering appearance, and reshaping personality to fit the “good wife” model.

But what frustrates me is this idea that marriage makes you modest, boring, or disconnected from who you were before. I get told all the time, “I’m surprised you still keep up with your friendships. My friends in relationships faded away once they got married.”

I am a lover girl — “my man, my man, my man” rolls off the tongue naturally — but I’m not about to turn every conversation into a deep dive about my partner. I’ve always believed there’s room for romantic relationships and friendships. Both can coexist without one suffocating the other.

It’s All About Being Intentional

Marriage didn’t make me less social — it just made me more intentional. I check in, send scheduled texts,  voice notes, birthday gifts, and “thinking of you” messages. I plan hangouts months in advance if I need to, just to ensure all my friends remember I’m here for them. I even developed an interest in online gaming with one of my closest friends to stay connected.

I do these things because my community mattered long before my marriage — and I want them to matter forever.

Marriage Isn’t The End Of Friendship — It Just Requires A New Language

I’m learning that being the first to get married means stepping into vulnerability first. It means reassuring my friends that I still want and need my community. It means giving grace, but also asking for it in return.

Marriage didn’t isolate me. The silence around how friendships shift did.

And I’m choosing not to be silent anymore.

“At the end of the day, just be transparent,” Jenkins shared. “Say, ‘Hey girls, don’t leave me out.’”

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