In a heartfelt plea for human connection, a Black woman’s emotional Instagram video has gone viral, shedding light on the crippling effects of “skin hunger.” This is a new concept to many, perhaps, but a very real condition that has grown exponentially since the pandemic and has special significance in the Black community.
With tears streaming down her face, the woman bares her soul as she describes the absence of touch in her life. She asks viewers, “How do you deal with that?”
Through her tears, she clarifies that it’s not the transactional touch of a hairdresser, massage therapist, or nail tech that she craves.
“They don’t love me,” she sobs.
Her longing for genuine connection is palpable as she expresses her deep struggle with the idea of going the rest of her life without it.
@mayte.lisbethIt’s been five years of touch starvation. I’ll probably have some more years of it. I’m not handling this well.
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With over 9,000 views and counting, her poignant message has resonated with countless others grappling with touch deprivation. “If anyone else is struggling, what are you doing?” she asks.
After watching her emotional video and reading some of the responses, the urge to embrace her and provide comfort was instinctual for me.
As a Black woman who spent the first few years of life in an orphanage and most of my adolescence in an adoptive home where hugs and cuddles were rare, I am intimately familiar with the devastating effects of social isolation and sensory isolation deprivation. Adding to the trauma, the few touches I did receive were often rough or abusive. The absence of loving touch during my formative years left me without positive body memories. But with time, extensive therapy, and an unwavering commitment to building healthy relationships, I have retrained my nervous system, becoming fully embodied and reconnected to myself and others.
While we don’t know the full extent of the emotional issues that prompted this woman’s video, her message can be interpreted as a desperate plea for help.
“She was crying out for someone to acknowledge and validate her pain,” explains Dr. Jinaki Flint, a clinical psychologist based in New Orleans with nearly five years of experience working with trauma patients.
According to Dr. Flint, recording and posting such an emotional video on social media can be seen as a form of connection and an adaptive response to pain. Sadly, that pain is a familiar experience for many Black women, and the lack of emotional support and understanding can only add to the already heavy burden.
“She had to be struggling to come onto social media in tears. But she did not just speak for herself; she spoke for many people. Especially many Black women who are not getting enough or any touch” says the clinical psychologist. “This woman is the mirror for us. She was courageous enough to ask for what she needed, but there are many Black people like this. So many of us struggle with touch deprivation, but we conceal it because we don’t feel vulnerable enough to share it. And that’s because so many of us are in environments where we don’t feel safe.”
According to Dr. Flint and other clinicians, I spoke to, the message conveyed by this woman should be taken very seriously, particularly by the Black community. Her description of feeling deprived of touch is not uncommon, and it highlights a critical neurological phenomenon known as “skin hunger” or “skin starvation.”
Skin hunger refers to the human need for physical contact with others, including basic tactile sensations such as hugs, handshakes, or even a simple pat on the back. It encompasses a range of intimate gestures, such as cuddling, all of which contribute to the biological wiring of human beings to connect and thrive. Ultimately, touch is an essential factor in maximizing our survival.
As the body’s largest organ, the skin sends messages to the brain through the vagal nerve, an integral part of our nervous system. The vagal nerve governs various bodily functions that occur involuntarily, such as breathing, digestion, and perspiration. Additionally, this nerve, also known as the vagus nerve, assists in calming the body following stressful events and enabling our bodies to exit fight-of-flight mode. It transmits signals from our brains to other areas, such as the heart and intestines.
Positive human touch is vital for our well-being. When we experience affectionate touch, our brains release oxytocin, commonly known as the “love hormone.” This hormone promotes positive feelings and strengthens emotional and social connections, reducing stress, anxiety, fear, and inflammation. It also regulates bodily functions such as sleep, digestion, and the immune system’s repair, enabling us to heal and fight off illnesses.
On the other hand, when we don’t receive enough touch, it can increase levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which can cause anxiety and depression. The young woman in the video expressed feeling lonely and depressed due to her lack of touch. Research has shown that even a brief deprivation of touch can lead to higher cortisol levels in the saliva, affecting heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, breathing, digestion and harming the immune system.
There has been much research on the importance of touch in human development and health. Most of this research has focused extensively on babies requiring touch to develop properly. Studies have shown that babies who receive regular physical contact have better brain development and cognitive function. Touch also promotes the release of oxytocin, a hormone that plays a role in social bonding, trust, and stress reduction.
Touch deprivation can be devastating.
“I’ve met Black youth in my own community who’ve told me they never got hugged by their parents,” says the psychologist. “They don’t remember getting hugged. This is a kind of deprivation. Their bodies have been deprived of essential nutrients like oxytocin that create medicine in their bodies that can promote healing.”
The COVID-19 pandemic has worsened the problem because millions experienced extended periods without touch. Social distancing mandates and lockdowns necessitated that people isolate themselves from loved ones, resulting in a rise in feelings of loneliness and lack of physical contact.
The digital conundrum
The young woman’s social media video highlighting the significance of skin hunger is accompanies by the irony that digital addiction can contribute to worsening the sense of deprivation.
Excessive use of digital devices and spending extended periods online can prevent individuals from experiencing the biochemical exchanges of physical touch and meaningful connection with others.
Spending most of our time playing video games, scrolling through social media, or watching videos online, especially toxic videos full of violence, drama, gender wars, and racist hostility, can play a role in denaturing us and confusing us about what is real and what is not, what is safe and what is not. Furthermore, digital addiction can interfere with our biochemistry, causing lethargy, reduced libido, and difficulty forming emotional bonds.
Even worse, the dopamine rush that comes with digital devices can make individuals feel like they’re getting their social needs met. Still, this false sense of satisfaction does not replace the fundamental need for human contact.
Skin hunger and Black people
Skin hunger has particular relevance to Black people in the context of racism and trauma. The impact of skin hunger on Black bodies can be seen in how it exacerbates the effects of police brutality, violent viral videos, and other forms of daily toxic stress in our communities. Not only can systemic racism lead to a sense of isolation and disconnection from others, but the lack of healthy, stress-relieving hormones from healthy touch exacerbates the damage to the body, mind, and spirit.
Police brutality against Black people is all too common. Other forms of violence, like child abuse and viral videos of violence against Black bodies, can compound the effects of skin hunger. When Black people are subjected to or witness physical violence at the hands of police and others in our communities, it can increase feelings of isolation and detachment or cause us to long for the comfort and safety of human touch. Without that form of support and healing, we often feel afraid and vulnerable because we’re constantly in survival mode with no relief in sight.
The constant stress of living in a society that devalues Black lives can also lead to physical and emotional exhaustion, making it difficult for individuals to engage in healthy relationships and connect with others in meaningful ways. As a result, skin hunger can become more acute as individuals long for the physical and emotional connection that can help them cope with stress and trauma. It can quickly become a vicious cycle.
Responses to the young woman’s video included mean comments about her weight and looks. Dr. Flint explained that those responses came from viewers who are disconnected from their own bodies. “You can’t connect and bond and be empathetic to others when you are disconnected from yourself.”
“This white supremacist environment is really harsh on the black body,” Dr. Flint affirms. “It forces and terrorizes black bodies into disassociation. It forces you to disconnect from your body and become an anti-self. We’re too busy surviving to even know what our natural selves are.”
When abuse, trauma, social media use, and other environmental terrors convene, the impact of skin hunger can become tragic. The disconnection she describes has been perpetuated since the Middle Passage experience and sustained through centuries of racial trauma and has always been a powerful tool of colonization that keeps us trapped in trauma, mired in an ongoing struggle for survival, and reacting in ways that are detrimental to our well-being.
Black people must be mindful of these dynamics. For the past three years, we have been unable to gather naturally. In a society designed to keep us shut down and disassociated, in an age where digital interaction is a constant threat to human connection, we’ve got to be intentional about ensuring that this basic human need is met in healthy, healing ways. As we transition into a new normal, it is crucial to regain the spirit of a community where we can touch, hold, and heal each other.
Instead of reacting to this young woman’s emotional video like voyeurs, we should take her message as a wake-up call to begin our journey back to ourselves. She was not just pleading with us; she was talking about us. We all need to listen to her—she speaks truth about what many of us experience but don’t know how to put into words.
We not only need the hugs, the fist bumps, the pounds, the high-fives, the caresses, the handholding, the slow-dancing, and more, we deserve to be nurtured, healed, and affirmed in a world that does not love our skin.
Let that young woman’s Instagram be an invitation to break out of society’s constraints and reclaim our full humanity, one healthy, loving touch at a time.
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