Are You Doing All Of The Work In Your Relationship? - Page 9

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Sustaining a long-term relationship requires an immense amount of effort. As the saying goes, nothing worth having will be easy. However, when everyone around you is confirming just how challenging relationships are, how exactly do you know when you’re fighting a little too hard to keep your romance afloat? One sure sign that you’re doing a little too much is when you notice that your partner is doing the least.

“A one-sided relationship has dramatic consequences for our emotional and even physical health. Once you’re in one, it’s hard to feel emotionally safe. You’re perpetually working to make the relationship something that it may never be,” explained Jill P. Weber Ph.D., in an essay for Psychology Today. “This conflict creates stress, and stress hormones cause physical side effects including anxiety, difficulty sleeping, hypervigilance, irritability, and generally feeling internally keyed up. One-sided relationships take an enormous toll, and yet often continue far longer than they should.”

But how exactly can you tell when you’re in a one-sided relationship without falling into the trap of keeping score? Here are a few tell-tale signs that you’re doing all of the work in a relationship.

You’re always the first to apologize

When it comes to any relationship, it’s important to have enough humility to acknowledge your wrongs and take accountability for your mistakes. While apologizing may come easier to some than others, when one party is always the first or the only one to ever offer apologies, it’s indicative of an imbalance when it comes to emotional labor within the relationship.

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You’re the only one who initiates plans

We all play different roles in our relationships. Some people are much better at planning dates than others, but when it comes to the simple desire to see one another, the effort should match. Any time one person is doing the bulk of the heavy lifting as far as the coordination of quality time is concerned, it’s a problem.

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You make the majority of the sacrifices

We will all be faced with the decision of whether or not to make sacrifices for the people we love. Have you noticed that you’re the only making those difficult choices in favor of your partner? Are they constantly choosing other things and other people over you? Do you feel resentful often? It’s virtually impossible for a healthy relationship to thrive in the absence of mutual compromise.

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You do most of the problem-solving

Do you find yourself saying things like, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll figure it out” or “It’s fine, I’ll take care of it”? If you happen to just be a really great problem solver, then it’s all good. However, if your resentment for your partner grows each time you have to utter one of those statements, there’s a good chance that your partner isn’t pulling their weight.

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You pay for everything

Perhaps you’re the breadwinner in the relationship and money is no big deal. But at some point, your partner should want to treat you to something nice as well. No one in a healthy relationship should be reaching for their wallet one hundred percent of the time. Even if you have the means, over time the resentment will grow.

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Support is rarely reciprocated

Are you your partner’s greatest advocate and cheerleader? Is the favor ever returned? If you know for a fact that you go hard to be in your partner’s corner, but you always seem to feel alone and unsupported during tough times, it’s time that you acknowledge those feelings and try to determine their source.

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You rarely feel heard

Active listening and genuine empathy require a level of emotional effort that not all people are willing to provide. A sure sign that your partner is not doing their part in your relationship is when they refuse to take the time to actually hear you when you speak. If you’re constantly repeating yourself and feel as though your partner isn’t making sincere attempts to understand where you’re coming from, it’s a problem.

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You can’t count on them

When you find yourself in a bind, is there a 50/50 chance that your partner will come through for you? Has history proven them to be unreliable in the direst of circumstances? A lover on whom you are unable to rely should definitely cause you to bring the health of your relationship into question. Do you really want to build a future with a person you can’t depend on?

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All of the “hard” stuff is left for you

In life, we all have those tasks that we simply hate doing; however, they’re a part of being an adult. There’s no way around them, so you simply suck it up, put an H on your chest and handle it. Unless, of course, you have a partner whom you can always count on to do the hard work. If it seems that your partner is always delegating or guilting you into doing those difficult tasks that they simply don’t wish to be bothered with, it’s a sure sign that they’re not pulling their weight.