When I landed, I wasn’t immediately ready to deal with whatever turmoil I had caused. I made my way to a dispensary that was still open before I checked into my hotel. I would much rather check my messages under the influence of THC. Once I got to the hotel, I noticed that the lighter I purchased at the dispensary wasn’t in my bag. I had no way of lighting the pre-rolled joint I purchased. As I looked for a stray lighter or pack of matches, a message came through from Shanice.
“Hey love. I’m flying out tomorrow, but I wanna talk. I wanna make sure we’re ok. Your friendship means way more to me than some dude.” It looks like Shanice came to her senses about Roman. I didn’t respond to her.
I went over my messages with Roman and I could tell that angel of a man felt awful. The last message I sent was to assure that. It didn’t make me feel any better though. Roman’s message read, “I feel so bad Danielle. You are who I like. Can we talk later? Tomorrow?”
I couldn’t believe that seeing the words “you are who I like” didn’t send butterflies fluttering through my tummy. My heart dropped down there instead. I didn’t want to talk to Shanice because she was telling me that our friendship meant more but she was showing me the opposite. So instead I let Roman know that I was down to chat with him the next day.
Our conversation lasted hours. We were all the way honest with our feelings for each other. Turns out, neither of us was all the way honest about our feelings about each other, with each other, at that time. So there we were with blurred lines that I thought only he was responsible for.
“Danielle, at this point, I just want to be friends and there may or may not be a chance that we will have mutual friends.” Roman made perfect sense. I knew how I overreacted and I felt bad, but the fact remained that Shanice claimed she wanted our friendship over him, but insisted on going out with him– even though she felt like he’s an idiot.
Shanice and I connected on the phone and I let her know what Roman and I spoke about and she was glad we talked. Then she volunteered some information that would’ve been really nice to know beforehand. She let me know that she and Roman already went out.
“Wait…? When?” I asked, upset that all this had gone down without my knowledge. I couldn’t believe we were even having all of these come-to-Jesus moments when these two had already gone out.
“Yes, Danielle, we did,” Shanice volunteered. She told me about their date. They watched a documentary and spent a couple hours chatting about it afterward.
“Interesting plans for someone you think isn’t that smart,” I responded.
“Speaking of that, Danielle, did you tell this man I told you I thought he was dumb?” Shanice asked.
I felt like I was caught red-handed. I didn’t want to lie to her. I did tell Roman that. “Yeah. I said that to him,” I admitted.
“Did you also tell him things about my last relationship and that I don’t believe in God?” Shanice asked.
I had no choice but to admit to it. She was asking because she knew I told Roman that. Where else would she get the information? Knowing Roman, he most certainly went to Shanice saying I said this, that and the third, seeking clarity, not necessarily throwing me under the bus. But Shanice was most certainly driving the bus that I was currently under.
“I did. Shanice, I can’t even lie or come up with a clever reason why I did it. I just was hurt and I wanted everyone else to be hurt, especially y’all,” I admitted.
“Well, I do appreciate you being honest, but Danielle, for real, what the f-ck?” Shanice asked. “That information about my last relationship, I told to you in confidence because you’re my friend. Why are you using that against me? And I don’t believe in God? Where the hell are you even getting that from?”
I had no idea where I got it from. I just knew that Roman values his relationship with God, so I thought it was enough ammunition for him to lose interest in case the other tidbits I told him didn’t work.
I messaged Roman, “I really can’t believe that 1) y’all already went out and 2) you came to her with the information I said to you when I was upset. Why would you do that?”
“I wanted to know what was true Danielle. You were telling me things like she thought I was stupid, I wanted to know if she said that to you,” Roman shared.
“So you don’t trust me. Got it.” I was behaving like an emotional terrorist. I was determined to be the victim in this scenario, even if it meant hurting Roman and Shanice in the process.
“She definitely said you were dumb. But I did make up the other things about her relationship (I didn’t, I just felt bad) and the thing about not believing in God,” I told Roman.
“Typically Danielle, I do trust you. But this time, you lost that a little bit,” Roman said. “She said she never said that so I don’t know what to believe.”
I was so mad because out of all the things I said to Roman, the one thing that was true I couldn’t prove without sending Roman screenshots. And since I’d already done enough damage, I didn’t want to double down. “I understand that. I just wish you hadn’t brought it directly to her because now she’s thinking I’m a horrible person and I know I’m not,” I typed trying to convince myself more than Roman.
“You’re not Danielle. This whole thing is just messy. I shouldn’t have involved myself with a friend of yours.” Roman shared. “I like someone else, anyway.”
I tried to concentrate on my call with Shanice, but I was distracted by Roman’s admission.
“I am trying my best to be understanding around why you would go as far as you did and volunteer that information to Roman. I mean, I kinda get it, but you’re mad because he and I went out, right? Shanice asked.
Shanice began to take over the conversation to talk about relationships and radical honesty and, truly, I wasn’t ready. Stay tuned to see how radical honesty changed our friendship next week.