Source: pixdeluxe / Getty
Any time you hear relationship advice, you have to ask yourself if that’s right for you. Only you know what goes on inside your relationship. Only you really knows how you and your partner work. You’re also the only one who understands your tolerance for certain dynamics, or fully understands your partner’s intentions and values. Not every piece of relationship advice is for everyone, even some advice that would generally seem good.
That being said, there is some antiquated relationship advice that has just got to go. I can’t believe anyone is still slinging it. It’s left over from some era when men didn’t view women as equals, women didn’t demand to be treated as equals, and, generally speaking, romantic partners weren’t friends. They were two people who were sexually attracted to each other and then engaged after months of game-playing, each trying to get the upper hand, until they got married too quickly to the wrong person because that’s what ya did.
“Play hard to get.” That’s one of the quintessential pieces of advice from this general category of garbage advice. That’s one we’ve all heard before, and it’s so juvenile. But it’s a symbol of the type of advice I’m talking about. It’s the advice that implies that romantic partners are competitors, rather than teammates, and that a relationship is about being in control rather than helping each other out. It’s a tyranny rather than a democracy. When I hear a woman say things like, “Play hard to get,” I feel she sets the women’s liberal movement back decades. Any piece of relationship advice that sounds more like a tactical move is BS. Here is relationship advice you can feel free to ignore.
via GIPHY
Keep him guessing
“Make him always wonder if he could lose you,” “Make him work for it.” These are in the same family—the idea that a man should never fully feel secure in the fact that he has you. But that is so unhealthy, and nobody winds up happy there. Two truly happy people are two people who say, “I’m fully yours and you’re fully mine and I want to make you feel secure in that.”
via GIPHY
A little jealousy is a good thing
If your partner isn’t capable of feeling jealousy about you, well, that’s not good. But you should not be out there trying to elicit jealousy in the poor guy. If you need to make your partner jealous in order for you to feel he desires you, then either A) he doesn’t make you feel wanted enough or B) you’re just insecure.
via GIPHY
Fighting is healthy
If a fight must be had because two people genuinely are at odds and feel their needs aren’t being met, then, yes it’s healthy that the fight happens. But usually, people who say, “Fighting is healthy” are implying that it’s okay if you’re in an explosive relationship full of turmoil. And that is not okay.
via GIPHY
Maintain some mystery
Meh, I mean if you want to, you can. But some couples have fun letting it all hang out. Some couples feel closer for using the toilet with the door open and popping each other’s zits. If you’re not comfortable with that, okay. But if you actually like that type of intimacy, don’t hold it back for some deranged idea that women need to be “Mysterious.”
via GIPHY
The man should be the man
While I do, admittedly, hold onto some notions of how a man should behave in a relationship, I’ll also say that plenty of couples are perfectly happy turning the entire traditional arrangement on its head. And if that makes you and your partner happy, that’s great! Whatever it means to reverse gender roles—if you two are glad to do it, then you’re a good fit and that’s that.
via GIPHY
Being friends is overrated
“You have your friends, then you have your boyfriend.” That’s what some people will tell you. “My wife isn’t my best friend—Chad is my best friend and my wife is my wife,” some dudes will say. But…I kind of think your life partner should be your best friend, in the sense that it’s someone you genuinely have fun with. There are a lot of people out there who’d immediately find no joy in their relationship if the sexual element was gone, because there’s no friendship, and that’s sad.
via GIPHY
Have lots of sex
Have as much sex as works for the two of you. Some couples have sex once a month and are happy with that. Some do it twice a day forever and sex is very important to them. But there is really no formula to what amount of sex makes for a happy relationship. But there is one formula for failures, and that’s pressure over how often you have sex.
via GIPHY
Make him take the initiatives
“He should ask you out. He should call you first. He should make the first move. He should say I love you first.” You’ve heard them all, and they’re total BS. Any man worth anything will respect that you have enough confidence to go after what you want. Even if his feelings aren’t there yet, he’ll still find that self-assuredness attractive.
via GIPHY
Beware of female friends
Usually, the same people who tell you “A little jealousy is a good thing” are the ones who will also tell you to beware of your partner’s female friends. They think people cannot be trusted and everyone is constantly playing a game. But it’s good for your partner to have close female friends! It means he understands women.
via GIPHY
If he can’t handle you at your…
You know the saying. “If you can’t handle me at my best, you don’t deserve me at my best.” The notorious Marilyn Monroe first spread it, and then every high-maintenance individual in the world ran with it. The thing is that those who say this phrase tend to be at their worst all of the time. That “best” never comes along. Anyways, the point is that nobody needs to put up with tantrums and unreasonable behavior, no matter how your “best” is—it isn’t worth it.
via GIPHY
Have lots in common
You should have things in common with your partner, but I think the emphasis is on the wrong thing here. It’s not about hobbies. It’s not about both being fitness enthusiasts or foodies. It’s about sharing values—about having a shared belief about how you treat people and carry out your lives.
via GIPHY
Sex fixes everything
No it does not. In fact, angry sex—which is so normalized—is really not very healthy. If feelings of anger lead to arousal, that may be something to discuss with a therapist. We shouldn’t want to be physically intimate with someone we feel emotionally at odds with.
via GIPHY
He should treat you like a princess
I’ve said what I had to say about calling little girls princesses. And I feel that little girls who are called princesses grow up to believe their partners should treat them like princesses—literally bowing down to them and satisfying their every whim, no matter how unreasonable. But if a man treats you like that, he doesn’t respect himself.
via GIPHY
Follow this timeline
Move in at X years in. Say I love you at Y years in. Meet the parents at point A. Get engaged at point B. There isn’t really any proven correlation between the “traditional” timelines and a happy relationship. In fact, we find a lot of couples who follow those timelines and wind up calling off weddings or getting divorced, don’t we?
via GIPHY
Don’t tell him you earn more
“Don’t let your partner know you make more than him. It will intimidate him. It’s bad for his ego. And libido.” An older female friend said that to me once. But I, personally, want a partner who finds it attractive and impressive that I do well, and doesn’t compare himself to me.
