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I think when you’re in your twenties, and really any age before that, you’re happy to have a colorful buffet of friends. You have access to several, diverse groups who perhaps don’t know each other, appeal to different sides of your personality and interests, and just keep life exciting. You don’t really, at that age, appreciate what friendship can do for your life. Life isn’t yet serious. You don’t have many responsibilities. Perhaps you haven’t gone through anything too difficult at that point. So all you really want from a friend is someone who you tend to have fun with. If you can have a good time when you’re together, it’s about as simple as that. And you even have those problematic friends who you keep around for the stories.
But then, you reach your thirties. Life gets more complicated. You may have a spouse and children and a career. You may have elderly and sick parents. You may have financial stress. Your friends can no longer just be these toys. They’re not just accessories to your life anymore. You need your friends to truly support you. You need friends who have your back, and who have a way of making a really bad day not so bad. You don’t need friends who add to your stress. Or just take, take, and take. You don’t need friends who don’t appreciate your struggles. Your thirties is a time when your friendships will go under a microscope, and some may not hold up to your new, tougher standards. That’s okay. Don’t feel bad about it.
The truth is that you’re busier now and don’t even have time to hold onto all of those friends who were, sure, fun, but perhaps didn’t enrich your life. Here are ways you’ll reassess friendships in your thirties.
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How do you feel after seeing them?
You start doing a very simple test after seeing friends. You ask yourself: do I feel good after seeing these friends? You stop justifying and explaining things to yourself. You just answer the question simply. It’s a “yes” or “no” answer. Anything other than yes is a problem.
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Are they good for your career?
By this, I don’t mean, can they get you some hookups and make introductions. I just mean, do they believe in you? Do they generally respect your schedule surrounding work, rather than pressure you to go do something that will directly interfere with your goals? Do they make you feel hopeful about your career? Are they an asset or a hindrance to it?
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Are they good for your relationship?
You’re at that age now when you may have a spouse or serious relationship. Maybe some friends were fine to have around during your single days—those sh*t show, train wrecks who always pushed the enveloped on acceptable behavior. But maybe now you consider how it might make your partner feel to have a friend like that around.
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Can you afford them?
Hey, some friends just spend too much money for you to hang with them often. Perhaps when you were younger, you didn’t think much about financial responsibility. But now, you do. You have savings goals. And these friends are only happy when you all go out to $200 brunch. So you can’t see them as much as you used to.
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Do you both reach out to make plans?
You start paying close attention to who initiates the hangs. You realize there are some friends you’d literally never see if you didn’t reach out to them. You see what happens if you go ghost on them for a few months and…nothing. Well, you decide you’re done with them.
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Is the generosity reciprocal?
When it comes to doing one another favors, helping each other out when needed, cooking each other dinner, and things like that, does the generosity go both ways? You may realize some friends are sort of mooches, and you’re the one doing all of the giving.
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Are they goal-oriented?
Though it can feel harsh, you may start distancing yourself from individuals who aren’t goal-oriented. You just realize that every moment spent with those who don’t have any drive is bad for your drive. And, you honestly just feel a bit depressed after being with such friends.
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Do they take responsibility?
You’re sort of done with those immature friends who can’t keep their lives together. You don’t think it’s funny now when one friend keeps losing a job because she is too hungover to show up to work, or keeps getting her power shut off because she spent her utility money on a Vegas trip. You think it’s maddening.
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Are they reliable?
Reliability becomes huge. You get real with yourself and ask yourself: when this person says she’ll be somewhere/do something, what are the chances she actually will? And you start only wanting friends for whom the answer is 100 percent. Or at least 98 percent. As for those friends who are always 50/50, you’re done with them.
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Do you support each other?
Throughout your life, there will be times when you’re in a good place, and you have the energy and positivity to uplift a friend who is in a bad place. Then there will be times when you are the one who needs to be uplifted. You start noticing that in some friendships, you’re always doing the supporting—always giving the pep talks—but not getting much support back.
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Do victories feel shared?
Are you genuinely excited to share a victory with all of your friends? You start to ask yourself, which friends really make an effort to make you feel special and make your efforts feel appreciated? And which friends have a way of undermining the victory, or even making you feel bad about it?
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Can you tell it like it is?
You need friends who you can check. You need friends who will take a note, and really take it into consideration. You can no longer have friends who freak out, throw a tantrum, and tell you that you’re a b*tch for simply telling them a helpful truth about themselves.
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Do you talk about them a lot?
You also begin to realize that, if you need to complain a lot about a friend when she isn’t around, it’s probably just time to stop hanging out with that friend. Your good friends are the ones you say wonderful things about, even when they aren’t around to hear them.
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Do they bring drama?
You’re just done with drama. You do an eyeball test and ask: does this person come with drama? You know the ones who do and the ones who don’t, and you’ve begun to realize that the ones who bring drama cause it. They aren’t the innocent victims they pretend to be.
