Boundaries It’s 100% Okay To Enforce With Male Coworkers - Page 8

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I had to learn that it’s okay to draw the line with male coworkers, and I get to draw it anywhere I please. I used to be so concerned with being likable, agreeable, chill, “one of the guys,” and other BS like that. At previous jobs, I would silently sit back as male coworkers did and said things that made me a bit uncomfortable. They hadn’t outright harassed me, or necessarily done something reportable, but they had made me uncomfortable. And you know what? I have to correct my previous statement because, if they made me uncomfortable, that is reportable.

It’s funny how, sometimes, we take so much care not to upset or offend the people who are upsetting and offending us. Why are we trying to pay courtesy to somebody who is absolutely not paying us the same one? That’s exactly what I was doing by not drawing the line with male coworkers who pushed my boundaries. Yeah, if I told them that that wasn’t okay, things would be uncomfortable for a minute. But you know what? Things were already uncomfortable for me, and that was their fault, so they deserved to feel some of that discomfort. They deserved to have me send it right back their way, since they created it in the first place.

I used to think that there were things I just had to tolerate because, if I thought about explaining the incidents to somebody else, they sounded petty—like not a big deal. I didn’t want to get a reputation for overreacting. But there I went again, caring about what people I didn’t even like thought about me. Between petty coworkers and sexual harassment, women put up with a lot at work. And even in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, when we may not see our coworkers in person, coworkers can still find ways to push boundaries over emails, video chat, and other online platforms. If you can relate to any of this, and have been wanting to stand up for yourself more, here are boundaries it’s 100% okay to enforce with male coworkers.

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No meeting at night

If a male coworker wants to meet to work on a project, you’re more than entitled to saying, “I’d like to meet during work hours” or “I’m not comfortable meeting at night. We can meet during the day.” There’s no reason that you need to meet at 9pm to work on a project with a colleague.

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Chat in the way you’re comfortable

If meeting with a colleague via phone or email doesn’t require more than just that — a phone call or an email will do — then you can leave it at that. If he insists on video chatting so he can “see your pretty face” or even meeting in a socially-distant way at a designated spot, you don’t have to agree to that. You can keep the communication medium to one with which you’re comfortable.

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Someone else can be there

If you don’t feel comfortable meeting alone with a colleague or boss to work on something—or let’s say it’s a networking thing—you can bring a friend. Any man who doesn’t have bad intentions will totally respect your desire to have a chaperone there. If he pushes back and insists you meet alone, just don’t go.

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Or, it can be a phone call

If this colleague or supervisor insists nobody else should be present for the meeting—let’s say it’s of a confidential nature—then you can ask to just do a Skype call. You don’t have to be in the same physical space to talk about work.

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No after-hours phone calls

There’s no reason a male colleague needs to be calling you at 10pm. That’s just not appropriate. If you don’t need to get work done at that hour, he shouldn’t be calling you. You can ignore the call, and just email him the next day saying, “Saw you called last night. Sorry, I don’t take work calls after 6pm.”

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Or texting about non-work related matters

If a coworker is texting you about non-work related matters, you can always say, “Hey, I’d like to keep our correspondence professional.” There’s no reason that you need to entertain social texts from a male coworker, asking how your workout class went or what you’re eating for dinner. This is not part of your job.

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Your personal life is yours

If a male colleague asks how your date went, or how your sex life is, or anything of a personal nature, you can tell him that that’s not his business and it’s not professional to ask you that. Don’t worry about making him feel uncomfortable; he didn’t worry at all about making you feel uncomfortable.

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No comments on your appearance

“Have you lost weight?” “Pilates is working for you” “That outfit flatters your figure” and things like that. You can straight up say, “My appearance is of no concern of yours and isn’t something we need to talk about at work.” It’s true: there is no excuse, whatsoever, for a male coworker to comment on your appearance.

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You don’t need his hookup stories

You don’t need to listen to his grotesque and graphic stories, in the break room, about his hookup. You don’t want to hear about his date last night when you’re in the elevator with him. You can tell him to keep that to himself, and share it with his buddies outside of work.

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Aprropriateness on FaceTime

With most people now working from home and many meetings taking place over video chatting platforms, things can feel casual, but they aren’t. This isn’t a welcome invitation for male colleagues to say things about your bedroom they can see in the background of the call, or your pajamas you’re wearing. You can still insist the topic of conversation sticks to work.

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You can drive yourself

You don’t have to accept a ride from a male colleague to be polite. You can say you are driving yourself, and you don’t need to give an excuse why. He isn’t entitled to one. You can just say, “Thanks, but I’ll just meet you there” and that can be that. If he pushes the issue further, you can hold your ground and say, “I’d rather meet you there, so that’s settled.”

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Put the kibosh on flirty messages

“Too bad you aren’t single…” or “Your partner is so lucky to have you…” You know those annoying little ways male coworkers will almost say something they shouldn’t, without saying it. You can just say, “This has nothing to do with our work so I appreciate you not messaging me about non work-related matters from now on. Thanks.”

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Correspondence should be in-house

He should email you at your work email. Not your personal email. You don’t have to give a coworker your personal email. There’s no reason he needs that. If he asks for it, you can say, “Oh, I have all my professional emails forwarded to my personal one, so you can still just go ahead and email me at the work email.” It’s important to have all of this trackable, in case you need to show something to HR.

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You’ll be called by your name

No “Hun,” “Sweetheart,” “Doll,” or “Love.” He can call you by your name. That’s it. If he tries to call you some nickname, you can say, “I go by insert your real name here. Thank you.” Yes, you’ll seem like an ice queen. But you know what? A male coworker who calls you “Hun” already didn’t respect you, so who cares if he likes you?