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If I were to name one thing that has kept me in a happy relationship for nearly seven years now it’s this: giving each other space. My partner and I feel very emotionally close, and we make a point to spend plenty of time together, but there are also many intentional periods of space. We’re not a couple who spends every evening after work together in front of the couch, mindlessly eating and watching TV. We spend most weeknights off doing our own thing, but at least once a week have a dedicated date night when there’s no TV, and we focus on the conversation. We’re not even a couple that spends every holiday together—sometimes we can’t agree on Fourth of July plans—but we make sure to spend the important, more emotionally significant ones (like birthdays and New Year’s Eve) together. I feel at once very free, but also very close to my partner. Here is why giving each other space is the key to a lasting relationship.
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Nobody can be on all of the time
No matter how comfortable you are with your partner, the moment somebody else is in the room, your brain feels pressure to be on. You want to acknowledge the other person and interact. It feels like you should. The simple presence of another human is taxing on our brains, especially since we’re on for so much of our days at work.
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But trying to be on can cause issues
If you and your partner never take time apart, your brain won’t get the important break that it needs. Every so often, it’s important to take time away from all other humans in order to refresh your mind. If you take no space from your partner, you can begin to resent him and feel like he’s the reason your brain feels so tired.
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You must care for yourself to care for others
No matter how many times we hear it, we have to be reminded over and over again. You simply cannot be a good caretaker to others—listening to their problems and engaging in their stories—if you don’t take care of yourself first.
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And you need alone time to care for yourself
Take time apart from your partner so you can do things like attend a yoga class, go for a quiet walk in nature, meditate, have drinks with a friend, or just watch a silly movie you love that he doesn’t. You must nourish yourself if you’re going to really participate in conversations about your partner’s life and problems. If you don’t care for yourself, you won’t really listen when your partner talks to you, and he’ll feel that.
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Some bad moods just have to pass
Sometimes we all get into a bad mood. No one thing caused it, and no one thing will fix it except for the passing of time. You know it’s true. Sometimes you just need to be cranky for a while.
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And it’s better to be apart until they do
If you’re insistent on being around your partner when he’s cranky, he’s bound to lash out at you. If you won’t take alone time when you’re cranky, you’ll lash out at him. You don’t need to see each other this way. It’s okay to sometimes say, “I’m in a bad mood. Can we just talk tomorrow?”
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You fell for an individual
Remember that you fell in love with an individual—a person with his own friends, hobbies, passions, interests, and goals. You fell in love with a man who had a life of his own.
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If you’re never apart, he ceases to be one
If you become one of those couples attached at the hips, the individuality of each of you will cease to exist. The person you fell in love with will fade away. You need to give him space to continue to be the individual you fell for, as he does with you.
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Not all thoughts need to be expressed
We all have thoughts that we aren’t proud of. When left alone, they come and go. We have things we worry about that we shouldn’t worry about. We have nasty thoughts that aren’t very nice. We don’t entertain or express them all…usually.
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In fact, doing so can cause dumb fights
If you’re never away from your partner, then he’ll want to know what’s on your mind any time you get a weird look on your face. You probably were thinking one of those thoughts that don’t need to be expressed. But if you say, “Nothing,” he feels you’re hiding something. And if you’re honest, you can get into a dumb fight over something you didn’t even want to say. Take time apart when you’re in a weird headspace and this just doesn’t happen.
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Some degree of yearning is important
Yearning after your partner is an important part of keeping that excitement alive for years to come. A tiny bit of inaccessibility, sometimes, is important to missing and craving your partner.
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And there can be none if you’re always together
If you’re always together, you won’t give yourselves the chance to miss each other. You may even begin to take one another for granted, and not be as loving as you’d like to be. Whether we want to admit it or not, part of the reasons are good to each other is that we want to make sure we keep each other. But, if there is no worry over that because you’re literally always together, those acts of kindness can die off.
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Some growth must happen apart
There is some emotional growth that can only happen when we separate from our partners. Doing things like traveling alone or with friends lets you reconnect to the self, to reflect, and to grow. You can only do that when you’re free of worrying about the happiness and needs of another person.
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Without it, you’ll feel stifled
If you don’t take time apart, and do things like travel separately, your personal growth may become stifled, and then you’ll feel it’s your partner’s fault.
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Just knowing you can ask for space is enough
You don’t have to schedule designated times for alone time. You don’t need to make a big deal about it. But simply cultivating an environment in which it feels safe to ask for alone time, knowing it won’t cause a fight, is already very healthy for your relationship.
