When Your Ex-Husband Befriends Your New Husband

April 5, 2018  |  
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Gettyimages.com/Gropu of friends on the sofa watchning TV

There might be no relationship so unnatural as that between your husband…and your ex-husband. But it is a relationship that sometimes has to exist. If you have children with your ex, then he is bound to remain in your life, for the sake of your children. But now that you’re re-married, there is another man around, taking care of your children, influencing them, advising them, and being responsible for them. Naturally, the ex who helped you make those kids is going to want to know the new male who is spending so much time with his offspring. In fact, they have to communicate so that all the parents—biological and step—can have a united front when it comes to parenting. But sometimes, they communicate too well and even like each other. Here is what it’s like when your ex-husband befriends your new husband.

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You can’t sh*t-talk your ex

You don’t feel as free to talk badly about your ex to your husband because, well, they’re buddies now! So, you’re actually sh*t-talking your husband’s friend. That’s a bit frustrating. Isn’t complaining about your ex-husband one of your God-given rights in this world?

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But you wonder if he’s sh*t-talking you

Of course, you can’t help but wonder if the two of them commiserate about the flaws and issues they both noticed about you. You hope they don’t, but you also can’t say to your husband, “You two better not talk about me” because it feels petty.

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They have things in common and it’s creepy

When your husband comes around, excited to share the fact that he and your ex both have a passion for this, or a history of doing this, or a shared interest in this…you are not excited. You sort of chose this new husband because he is different from your ex. Hello?!

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If your ex isn’t remarried, he may latch on

If your ex isn’t remarried and he isn’t dating anyone, he may latch onto you and your new husband. He’s lonely. He has a familiarity and comfort with you, and now he feels that he has an open invitation into your home because he has a relationship with you and your husband.

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If he is remarried, you have to befriend his wife

If your ex is remarried, you may have hoped to just keep a respectful distance from his new wife. But you don’t get to do that if your husband and her husband are now friends. Now, you all have to double date. Sheesh. If you don’t go for it, then it looks like just the wives are being poor sports.

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It’s great when they agree on parenting issues

It is nice when your husband and ex-husband agree on parenting issues. That’s just one more person helping to enforce rules and values with your children.

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Unless they are against you

It’s not nice if they agree with each other, but disagree with you. Then it’s two against one. You did not sign up for that. If your ex and current hubby weren’t friends, you could sell your husband on your viewpoint. But he hangs out with your ex, so he sells him on his viewpoint, too.

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It’s also great when they don’t agree

Of course, when the tables turn, and your husband agrees with you on a parenting issue and disagrees with your ex, you win. Now it’s two against one, in your favor. Ha!

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They have shared experiences

When they swap stories, it can be creepy—almost as if your husband just stepped into the ghost of your ex. They’ll talk about this restaurant and that hotel they’ve both been to…with you.

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And they can tease you

They both are well aware of your quirks and flaws. You have two people with all the ammunition in the world to make fun of you and they are friends.

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But your husband understands you better

At least your husband understands you on a deeper level. When he gets to know your ex well, he understands some of what you dealt with, and gets a closer look into your past.

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You don’t really want this

You would probably rather that they weren’t friends. I mean—hello—they’ve both had sex with you. They’ve both fought with you. They’ve both planned futures with you. It’s weird.

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But, it can make sense

But you have to admit that it makes some sense that two men you are very close to get along. They must have some similar qualities. You decided to tie the knot with them both, at one point, after all.

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Your husband asks if it’s okay

Your husband regularly asks you if you’re okay with this, if you’re sure you’re comfortable with the friendship, and so on. Of course, you have to say yes, even if the answer is no. If you say no, then you feel like the strict mama of your husband and your ex.

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You’re annoyed with your ex

If anybody could have put a stop to this, it was your ex. He could have/should have kept his distance. Your husband sort of had to be polite and kind to your ex, but your ex didn’t have to extend those invites for happy hour.

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