Guidelines for speaking to men about feminism

Gettyimages.com/� Artiga Photo, age 20-25, African American, Puerto Rican

I’m not delusional about the fact that there are some men you just can’t speak to about feminism. Maybe a therapist can. Maybe their counselor, when they attend anger management, can. But you, as a mere civilian who (presumably) doesn’t have a Ph.D. in psychology probably cannot undo the deep-seated fury and sexism in some of the truly troubled men out there. But that’s not who we’re talking about in this post. We’re talking about the guys who truly want to learn how to be feminists, who want to understand and fix their predisposition to certain sexist thinking, and who actually care to change. I see a lot of men attempt to ask questions (innocently, without blame) about certain feminism initiatives, or things they’ve gotten in trouble for. And the female community has a way of attacking these men, simply for addressing the topic. Unfortunately, we probably push away men who were willing to be on our side with that type of wrath. So, here are some guidelines for speaking to men about feminism.

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Resist the urge to roll your eyes

Yes, men can be a little oblivious to some of the things women experience. But if a man is trying to learn about his blind spots, don’t roll your eyes at him when he admits them. That probably won’t make him want to continue the conversation.

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No question is dumb (just be glad he’s asking)

Again, if you’re talking to a man who genuinely wants to understand the female perspective, don’t make him feel like any of his questions are dumb. If you tried to understand the male experience, you’d probably have some questions that seemed dumb to men, too, but you wouldn’t want them saying that.

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Really, chill on the death stare

Check those daggers come from your eyes. I know, I know: when a man starts to talk about feminism, your instinct is to put your guard up. It feels like you against him. But if he’s trying to join you in your fight for feminism, lock up those death stares.

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Don’t forbid him from having an opinion

Many men feel like they’re not even allowed to have an opinion or so much as comment on feminism because, well, that’s what women tell them. But how are we supposed to teach men anything if we won’t let them tell us what they currently think? How can you fix a problem, if you won’t hear what the problem is?

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Use analogies

Analogies are great. People respond to them. They’re effective. So, if a man is having trouble understanding why a certain action of his can be insulting, use an analogy. Turn the tables on him in a way that makes him understand.

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Hear him out without interruption

The urge to interrupt a man speaking about the female experience is so strong. But it’s also the reason many men back away from the conversation entirely, and deem feminists mean and bossy. Interrupting is rude, no matter what the conversation is.

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Remember, we all have things to un-learn

Try to keep in mind that even you (yes, you, a feminist) have some preconceived notions about all kinds of things that, really, aren’t right. And perhaps are judgmental, stereotyping, and harmful. You just don’t realize it yet, because you haven’t been the one on the chopping block yet.

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Don’t blast him on social media

If a man is truly trying to understand you, and he says or asks something you think is funny, don’t write about it on social media. If he finds that post, he’ll shy away from ever addressing the issue again.

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Don’t bash men

If you don’t want men bashing women then you can’t very well bash men. And you certainly shouldn’t do that to a man who is trying to make men and women see eye to eye more.

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Avoid “That’s such a Man thing to say” comments

You’ll have to avoid stereotyping comments too like, “You would say that—you’re a man.” Imagine if a man said to you, “You would say that—you’re a woman.” You’d unleash your wrath.

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Tell him simple ways he can help

If a man wants to know how he can help the cause, give him simple suggestions. For example, tell him about some instances in which men harass women, but women often don’t feel like they can stand up for themselves. If he sees those instances, he can step in, and correct the man who is misbehaving.

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Easy on the word “Privilege”

Yes I know male privilege exists but guess what? When people hear the word “Privilege” applied to them, their buttholes tighten up and then immediately feel hated. If you want the conversation to flow, try to avoid that over-used word “Privilege.”

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Understand you can’t fix him overnight

Understand that this will be an ongoing conversation—not just the one you’re having with this man, but the one that society is having with men, for generations to come.

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Thank him for caring

Honestly, it can be scary for men to ask questions about sexism, feminism, misogyny, and similar topics. This guy risked being verbally assaulted, in the name of trying to improve his understanding of the issues. So thank him for caring.