The Stages Of Losing A Friend To A Controlling Boyfriend

February 1, 2018  |  
1 of 15 frustrated at lazy roommate using digital tablet on sofa

Losing a good friend to her boyfriend is tragic, but it happens all of the time. Everybody ultimately wants to be loved, and sometimes, they look for love in the wrong places. Furthermore, sometimes people who don’t actually care about someone mask their selfish motives and pretend they only do certain things because they love the person. Sounds like a controlling partner, right? At some point, every woman finds herself with a man who is possessive, controlling, jealous, and downright emotionally unstable. The lucky women disentangle themselves from this situation. The truly lucky women have a good network of friends and family members who will show them how unhealthy their relationship is, and help them get out of there. But, unfortunately, here’s another thing every woman eventually experiences: losing a friend to a possessive boyfriend. We can’t save them all. Here are the phases of losing a friend to a possessive, controlling boyfriend.

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First, she’s more elated than you’ve ever seen her

Possessive boyfriends get their grips on someone by first being very charming and excessively attentive. So at first, your friend will be more elated than you’ve ever seen her. She may be making claims that “This guy is the one” after only going out with him a couple of times.

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She starts running late

Next, she’ll start running late. This happens for a couple of reasons: 1) The possessive boyfriend is monopolizing her attention and 2) The possessive boyfriend subtly suggests that she’s being disrespectful to him by running off to see her friends.

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Then canceling last minute, repeatedly

The former issue worsens, and eventually, your friend starts cancelling at the last minute. Like, really the last minute—leaving you sitting at the restaurant alone for dinner. Her possessive boyfriend has started to tell her she should put her relationship before her friendships. It’s also possible they’ve started to get into fights.

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When you are together, she’s always on her phone

When you do see your friend, she’s on her phone more than ever. She’s clearly distracted, waiting for a text to come through from the boyfriend. They’ve likely gotten to the phase when he picks fights with her (as a way to control her) every day.


Or, the whole conversation is about a relationship issue

Your entire conversation might be about an issue she is having in this relationship. This becomes a pattern, which is concerning because this relationship is way too new to be having so many problems.


Or, the conversation is about how much he’s “improving” her

If she doesn’t complain about the relationship, she talks about how perfect it is and how marvelous her partner is. It’s either one or the other: she loves him or hates him that day. When she loves him, she talks about the ways he is “improving” (aka changing/controlling/manipulating) her.


Your usual activities/stomping grounds aren’t good enough

Possessive boyfriends find a way to put a negative spin on everything their partners do and everywhere they go. Ultimately, they just want to lock them up in the apartment. So slowly but surely, your friend complains that the bar you two used to love is “too trashy” or “too loud.” That’s the boyfriend talking.

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She calls you, often, crying frantically

She’ll often call you in such heavy tears that she can barely breath. The arguments in these possessive relationships are incredibly dramatic. The boyfriend has become so emotionally abusive that your friend begins to feel she cannot live without him, and that’s how she sounds when she calls you crying about him.


Then the next day, everything is apparently perfect

You can call her the day after one of those tearful phone calls, and she’ll act as if that never happened. She’ll sound unnervingly perky and say, “Oh! That was nothing. We’re great!”

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She makes plans with you around his schedule

She cannot make a plan with you unless her partner approves. Just because she is free during the time you ask her to hang out doesn’t mean she is free. She must see what her boyfriend says, first.

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You and the other friends begin to murmur

The other friends start to pick up on these unhealthy patterns, and you all start to talk about it. At first, it’s just murmurs. But you’re all murmuring enough to come to the conclusion that your friend is in an unhealthy relationship.

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You say something to her, and she calls you jealous

You and the friends try to perform an intervention on your friend. She tells you that her boyfriend told her you would all do this and that it’s because you are jealous of their relationship.

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Then he says something to you

The boyfriend reaches out to you and tries one of two tactics to get you to back off. 1) He offers to get lunch, patch things up, clear the air (aka bribe you to shut up) or 2) He tells you to stay the F— out of his relationship.

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She starts to keep her friends and her boyfriend separate

Your friend decides it’s best to just keep her boyfriend and friends separate. You’ve all decided you don’t like one another.

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She either chooses him, or her friends

Keeping one’s friends and boyfriend separate isn’t sustainable, and eventually, your friend either chooses her partner, or her friends. Only her strength of character will determine this.

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