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From Essence

I never believe anyone who says, “I don’t have a jealous bone in my body.” Everyone has experienced some form of jealousy in life, whether it is amongst siblings, friends or even successful people we don’t know. Experiencing jealousy, however, does not make you a jealous person.

My sister-friend has been dating a guy for two months and it has been going great. So much so, she was pretty sure she was ready to take it to the next level with him. Two weeks ago, we were having lunch and she was constantly wondering what he was doing while he was out of town. If he took too long to return a text, she’d repeatedly check her messages and then ultimately send new text messages until he responded.

Four days ago, the guy suggested that they take a break after he caught her going through his phone following a night out where she’d questioned him about every woman to whom he spoke. Infidelity in my sister-friend’s past relationships was one part of the reason she was acting this way. The larger issue was that her insecurities were running rampant and because she really liked this guy she was afraid of losing him. Ironically, her own jealous actions lost him faster than another woman ever could.

Read more at Essence.com

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From HelloBeautiful

I remember vividly the first time I came to know the name Jada Pinkett. It was in the last days of “A Different World,” when the “The Cosby Show ” spin-off sitcom set on a Historically Black College campus was struggling to keep its freshness as it transitioned in to the early 90′s. Beloved characters Dwayne Wayne & Whitley Gilbert were all grown-up and professional, and the show’s once authentic connection to college life, youth culture and energy was dwindling. Insert Jada Pinkett’s Lena James, a powerful pint-sized freshman who boomed with energy and breathed new life in to cast. She joins the cast as a freshman, Lena James, introducing her self to the common area with a not so humble solo step routine: “L to the E, to the N, to the A, Step off, you ain’t getting no play!” From that moment on, in my 9 year-old mind, I was pretty sure I wanted to be her. She exemplified the spirit of what largely came to define the creative Black experience in the 90′s: loud, colorful and unapologetically proud. That was 20 years ago.

I find myself on the phone with Jada on a Thursday afternoon about a month ago. She’s in the process of doing promotions for “Free Angela And All Political Prisoners,” the brilliant documentary directed by Shola Lynch.  After a friend shared the film with her, Jada came on as a producer using her hollywood muscle to help get the film distributed in select AMC theaters nationwide. What I thought would be the typical 15-minute movie junket interview (abruptly ended by publicists listening in on the other end), turned in to a 90-minute phone call with the real Mrs. Smith about everything from her early relationship with her husband to why people should lay off Rihanna.

In what #TeamBEautiful has deemed the Best.Jada.Interview.Ever., we speak with the stylish and brutally honest A-lister about about parenting, dating, marriage, Black hollywood, and why America loves to hate on little girls. Check out the first of our three part series.

HB: You get a lot of criticism on the way you parent, has it ever bothered you?

JPS: You know what, I get it. In people eyes, I could see how it could be radical. It’s so funny the more I sit back and think about it, I was raised like this. It’s so natural to me–my situation was different; I had a lot of freedom. My mother worked a lot and she also struggled with drugs. So I had a lot of freedom at 12. But I also paid attention to where freedom worked and where it didn’t. One of the freedoms that I had was hair and clothes and how it completely [helped to] develop my self-esteem and sense of worth. And how, if I could dye my hair blue and shave it on the sides and deal with people remarks or smirks while I am walking to school, I’m good. To be able to stand tall in my own personal convictions for who I am and what I decided I wanted to be. And I was given that at a very early age. So by the time I got to 18 and I came out to LA, there was nobody out here that was going to pull me out of my own Jada game because I was very clear about who I am. You aren’t going to sucker me into to doing some crazy Isht I didn’t want to do. I didn’t have someone dictating to me along on what I need to be, and then at 18 struggling to figure out–I was already there. And the difference I see in Willow at 12 is, she’s got a loving father and the truth of the matter is that a girl’s emotional development is really strongly developed based on her relationship with her father. I just think of parenting at this: I don’t believe until waiting until a child is 18 to throw them to the world. I’d rather have kids in my house with me, building out certain freedoms as you go, and being there with them in my house while they are exercising these certain freedom so that we can be in the process in these freedoms together. When my children are 18, they will be fine. I don’t have to worry about them. Life starts when you pop out of the womb, and that’s what I believe!

Read more at HelloBeautiful.com

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Last month we ran a piece on our site about marriage and whether or not you could forgive and take back your husband if he gave up on your relationship, but later decided to give things another try. Think Kordell changing his mind on his choice to file for divorce from Porsha and deciding to seek counseling instead of a divorce lawyer. There were definitely some very interesting responses, especially since I think we can all agree that we can’t say for sure what we would do until we are in such a situation, but all I could think of how this whole discussion reminded me of a friend more than any relationship I had been in in the past.

This friend of mine, make that a former friend, we had been cool since junior high. We were part of a clique of close friends, going to homecoming together in similar colors, kicking it post-prom, hitting up each person’s college graduation parties, crying together through each other person’s sorrows, celebrating each person’s come-ups. But post-college, life got a little too real for everybody, and the stress of life caused this friend to be come very anti-social. She fell out with one of the other members of our clique, and all of a sudden there was all of this pressure on me to maintain friendships with both parties, even though they acted as if the other couldn’t be trusted. After feeling too much pressure from said friend, who seemed more bitter and hurt than the other, I told her how I felt (since their problems had nothing to do with me and I didn’t want to be in the middle), and she didn’t like what I had to say. That was the last real conversation we’ve had in years.

I actually loved this friend very much, so to fall out with her was almost like a bad break up with an ex. No crying, but the confusion and hole left in my life could have warranted a few tears. We had shared many special moments together and I looked at her more like a sister than a friend, so when she decided she didn’t want to be bothered with any person in our clique, including moi, and moved on with her life, I was pretty hurt. And mad angry.

After some time, I’ve moved on. But do I miss her sometimes? Of course. But if she called me tomorrow and said she’d like things to go back to the way they used to be, I don’t think I could say that would be possible. I think we can all agree that trust between friends is a huge deal, and when you can’t trust a friend to stick around long enough to weather storms with you, to handle different situations and problems like an adult, and to stop thinking of themselves as always the victim, it becomes clear that they aren’t really adding anything to your life but stress (“Oh Lord, what is she upset about now??” “Is she ignoring me again?” “Here goes that passive a** aggressive behavior again!”). And it makes it worse when you start tip-toeing around their emotions for fear they might find some little nothing to claim they’re upset about and ditch you again.

I haven’t received such a call, and if I did, I think I would be there if she needed me, but honestly, I would try and keep her at an arms length. Consistent friends who don’t let things fester are a precious thing, but friends who ditch you when they don’t get their way and then come back around are…many things in my opinion, but let’s just sum it up by saying they’re more of a liability. Besides, years have gone by! We’re practically different people in different places in our lives. And for that reason alone, it might be time to move on and keep looking forward…

But if you’ve ever fallen out with a friend and they came back around and wanted to be cool again, could you trust them enough to take them back in your circle?

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From YourTango

Change. Do you thrive on it or relish the status quo? Either way, change is the one constant in life and in relationships that can wreak havoc if you’re not able to collaborate and  navigate through it without stress, worry and self-sabotaging talk from your Internal Chain of Command.

When one party grows at a different pace or events both unexpected and planned result in surprising consequences that we hadn’t imagined, there can be challenges and stress. Sometimes seemingly unequal situations can cause resentment and anger. Think of how professional changes, financial losses or emergency health issues can impact you and your relationship.

The relationship can still grow, but sometimes in an unanticipated direction and this can be threatening. When we learn to collaborate with our partner, we come from an open place of “What’s In It For Us?”  Conflict resolutions requires that each party accepts the other for who they are and where they are in life at that moment. Regardless of the curve balls life throws our way, when we collaborate, we always have our partner’s back.

Seeing the power in accepting change as a normal process in relationships and seeing that no matter where anyone is, each person can benefit when invited to be part of a collaborative solution. It can also mean letting your partner come up with his or her own solution and letting go of your agenda. This is where compassion comes into play, too. Remember we all have a higher self if we allow ourselves to hear its voice. We already have the answers within and collaboration serves to bring them out as a team.

Check out the strategies on YourTango.com.

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From YourTango

We all want to feel like our partners are committed to us. In fact, a recent study commissioned by Benenden Health, one-third of the study participants said that they would feel more optimistic about their relationships if their partners showed them more commitment. On top of that, most married participants were significantly happier than their single fellow participants.

So now that science has proven an obvious truth about couples in relationships, what do you do when you aren’t getting the level of commitment you want from the guy you’re dating? Here are three simple steps you can take to move towards the kind of committed relationship that you really want.

Step One: know what level of commitment you want. Like most things in life, if you’re unclear about what you really want out of a relationship then you’re going to have a tough time getting it. Life tends to deliver to us exactly what we focus on, so if you’re not focused on what you truly want, then it’s time to define for yourself exactly what commitment looks like to you. Does it mean dating exclusively? Do you want an engagementring on your finger or is a verbal profession of love good enough for you? Are you the type of person who feels that it’s not a true commitment until you drive off in the limo with the “just married” sign taped on the trunk? These are all questions that you need to answer honestly with yourself. (And to get started on your own personal journey to true love, download Jane’s complimentary guide ”Find Your True Love: 10 Simple Steps to Getting the Love You Want … and Deserve.”)

Read more at YourTango.com

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From Essence

Jada Pinkett Smith is taking another shot at addressing the persistent rumors that she and hubby Will Smith have an open marriage. The actress took to her Facebook page this past weekend to comment on the public’s preoccupation with the goings-on in her bedroom because, you know, we have to know. First and foremost, wrote Jada, is “trust and love.” That would include agreeing that one doesn’t “own” the other.

“Do we believe that ownership is the reason someone should ‘behave?’” she asked “Do we believe that all the expectations, conditions, and underlying threats of “you better act right or else” keep one honest and true?”

Jada added that she trusts Will, and he the same. “Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want, because we TRUST each other to do so,” she wrote. “This does NOT mean we have an open relationship…this means we have a GROWN one.”

So we get the whole bit about Will and Jada’s marriage being none of our business, (because, really, it isn’t) but her open letter has us thinking about the expectations we so often bring into relationships. How many of us can really say that we allow our significant other to be who they really want to be?

Read more at Essence.com

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From  YourTango

I like to think that I am an optimist.  Most of the time, my first reaction is to assume that things will work out ok, even if I’m not sure how.  One challenge that I have faced in my 13-year marriage is that I think my husband tends towards the pessimistic, especially when challenges come up at work.  The good news is that there is an easy way for me (and you) to make your significant other happier.

A recent study reports that one third of people would feel more optimistic about life if their partner showed them more commitment.  Really?  Just show my S.O. that I am committed to him and the relationship and voila, optimism increases?  Done.

Here are ten easy ways to demonstrate to your partner that your commitment will stand the tests of time.  In addition to making your partner happier, you’ll get a warm fuzzy feeling too!

1. Don’t threaten to leave.  This may seem self-evident, but nothing shows a lack of commitment like talking about bailing.  We’ve all been there–the argument gets heated, and its the same argument you’ve had a thousand times.  Your mind starts to think “My life would be so much easier if I were gone. . .”.  While its completely normal to have these thoughts, sharing them out loud (or even subconsciously) does nothing for the level of commitment your partner feels from you.  So the next time you have thoughts about leaving, keep them to yourself.  Cool down, and then make a list of all the great qualities your partner has.

Read more at YourTango.com

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…it depends.

When it comes to men, women, and friends of said women, situations like this can either go completely fine or horribly awry. On a macro level, it’s a bit difficult to answer this question with a catch-all answer that will satisfy everyone. After all, I don’t know all the women of the world, or their friends, so I can’t really speak on that level. What I can tell you about is my own personal experience, and from a personal/observational standpoint, most of the time a woman has nothing to worry about. But you know who that usually depends on?

The woman.

A few questions need to be answered to assess the threat level in a woman leaving her boyfriend around her friends, such as: How much has the girlfriend told her friend about her boyfriend? What kind of details has she shared with said friend? Did any of it involve sex? And if it did involve sex, how deep (no pun intended) did those conversations go? What kind of relationship does the girlfriend have with her “friend” and how close are they really? The most important question of all though may likely be, “what type of woman is the girlfriend’s friend?”

Asking these types of questions is a great way to determine whether a woman leaving her friend and her boyfriend in the same room without her presence is a smart move on her part.

A part of me believes this situation is overblown. In reality, when it comes to taste in potential partners where sex or a relationship is at stake, I doubt something happens. Plus, as I’ve seen on countless occasions, both men and women have this ongoing allegiance to their friends that is strong enough to override any potential interest anyway. It’s almost like some mechanism kicks in where people say “nah, you were messing with my homegirl, so I can’t even look at you like that.”

On the other hand, as a man, I can say that some of the reasons why I’ve been with women were by “referral.” And when I say “referral,” I mean their friend talked me up to the point where her friend just had to come see for herself. I’m not sure how much that happens overall, but I do know that it happens and I can understand why women would take precautions against that.

And now, for a story.

I was in a situation once where I was chilling with my girlfriend at the time and a friend of hers came to visit. My girlfriend and I were on the couch and her friend was sitting on the floor (college years with no furniture) in front of us. We were engaged in a conversation about the time I gave my lady a ride while another woman my girlfriend didn’t know was in the car with us.

The girl was a neighbor of mine who asked for a ride home and in the midst of transport my lady called and made the same request. My lady was telling her friend how that didn’t go over well (big surprise there) and how she thought my neighbor liked me. As we’re all laughing her friend says, “well Real, you’re pretty cute. If I didn’t have a boyfriend I’d definitely try to see what’s up with you.”

I laughed.

She laughed.

My lady gave this strange half-smirk. It was an expression I knew well. The kind of expression that said “yeah…that ish isn’t funny.”

I honestly didn’t think anything of it. Afterward though, my girlfriend never left me in the same room with her friend again. Like…not even for a second. I never thought anything was going to happen, but I hadn’t ever been privy to any types of conversations had between them about me. For all I knew, her friend knew all types of “personal information” that would have piqued her interest which led her to say something like that.

But like I said, women know better than men which friends to leave around their boyfriends and which women need to be watched harder than Barack Obama on a leisurely stroll through Central Park at midnight. In the end, there’s no one size fits all option when it comes to whether it’s a good idea to leave your friend and boyfriend in a room alone together, but I certainly don’t believe it to be an overblown reaction if women choose not to. I’m just one man though, so tell me what you think.

Ladies, do you have problems with leaving your man around your friends alone? Do you think there’s a chance either he would make the play or she would? Who would you hold responsible if you left the two of them alone and something went down?

Hit the comment box and let me know how you feel.

Peace.

For more on RealGoesRight’s opinions on men and women, be sure to check him out with the all-star collective of black men writers over on SingleBlackMale.Org. If you prefer something a bit more direct, feel free to follow him on Twitter at @RealGoesRight and subscribe to his blog at RealGoesRight.Com

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Relationships are built and based on a number of things. Some relationships are built on love, some on sex, others on trust and others on finances. However, most relationships that last are built and based primarily on communication and trust. So what happens when the person we are involved with, the one we trust and love, betrays us? More importantly, how do we miss the signs of betrayal, both obvious and not? Why do we fall for the things we fall for in relationships? The answer is simple…we fall for the things we fall for in relationships because we innocently hear the words our loved ones say to us, we imbed those words in our minds and bury them in our hearts…why? Because we trust them. Why do we trust them? Because we believe they have our best intentions in mind as well as the relationship. Not only do we innocently hear the words they say, but we glance over some of their actions that we agree and disagree with, causing us to miss obvious signs of infidelity or betrayal. Why do we do this? Because we want our relationships to work no matter what the cost. Now don’t get me wrong, there are many people who don’t miss the obvious signs of their relationship going downhill, but there are also those people who see the signs, but refuse to acknowledge them for the sake of having a relationship.

Refusing to acknowledge obvious signs of a failing relationship is detrimental to one’s mental stability and overall health; but sometimes you can miss those signs by trusting solely in that person and not relying on instincts.  How do you avoid missing the signs of infidelity, or better yet, how can you avoid falling for/believing everything your mate says? Do the following:

1. Listen to what your mate says, don’t just hear them. This may seem redundant, but what most people fail to realize is that there is a difference between hearing and listening. When you hear what someone is saying you are receiving the information given, or becoming aware of something, meaning you’re just taking what they say with a grain of salt; however, when you listen to someone you are paying attention to what they are saying, you understand it for what it is, and you can take the information you received and go forward with it.
2. Observe their actions. Observing your mate’s actions will help you recognize how they have changed and how the dynamics of the relationship have changed as well. For example, if your mate suddenly stops spending a certain amount of time with you that you’ve become accustomed to without just cause, this may be a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore. If they change the way they dress, or pay particularly close attention to their appearance, more than before, you may want to start asking questions. Am I saying you should be Inspector Gadget? No, but I am saying that you should observe your mate’s change in actions within the relationship.
3. Trust your mate, but trust your instincts more. If you are in a relationship with someone, there is obviously some level of trust there, which is great. But if your instincts indicate some red flags with your mate, trust them. Am I am saying that you should be overly paranoid? No, but what I am saying is that if you’ve noticed some strange changes with your mate and your internal intelligence tells you to ask questions, or listen and observe a bit closer than usual… do so.
4. When the obvious is blatantly obvious, take it for what it is. When your mate has obviously cheated on you, admits it and is even apologetic for it, walk away from the obvious cheater and the relationship because he may step out on you again. While I do believe in second chances, I don’t believe in being an obvious fool.
5. Don’t make excuses for them. This step is huge! People often miss signs of infidelity or fall for lies because they make excuses for their mates. They notice the change in their mate and the relationship as a whole but make excuses like “he’s just tired…” “She has to work late…” “I feel neglected, but it’s okay, I know he loves me…” and so on and so on. Why do we do this? We do this because we don’t want to face the reality of the situation, and we are trying to spare our hearts from breaking without realizing we are walking directly into heartbreak by not using our common sense and listening to our instincts.

Trusting someone is not easy, and when we find someone we want to be involved with we put our trust in them; and by doing so we have the tendency to be vulnerable, let our guards waaaay down and often fail to see the obvious. It happens very easily, and sometimes it can be avoided, others times it can’t. Trust your instincts, stay true to yourself, listen, look and learn.

What have you fallen for in relationships? Have you missed obvious signs of infidelity?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

According to this excerpt from the book, The Normal Bar: women lie, men lie, everybody is a got-damn liar:

“For most couples, some lying is necessary to keep the peace, to protect each other’s feelings, and to preserve a sense of safety in the relationship. The 27% who never lie may be righteous, but they can also be cruelly frank. Men and women who shade the truth may be more loving and protective. Even well-intentioned lies, however, can hurt the relationship if the truth that’s withheld is something the partner has every right and need to know. Knowing when a lie is reasonable and when it is reprehensible isn’t always an easy call.”

According to the book excerpt, both genders have a sneaking suspicion about their partners truthfulness with 69 percent of men and women reporting that they have “lied at some point to their partners.” The most common lie committed by women (43 percent) is about how great/no-so-great their partner is in bed. And among men, almost half of men have reported lying to their partners about their whereabouts and what they are doing at these whereabouts. The book excerpt then goes on to cite one study, which has determined that only 53 percent of men and a dismal 39 percent of women completely trust their partners. Despite the pitiful levels of trust many couples have going on, the book explains that for women in relationships, there appears to be more acceptance of the belief that men are going to stray because they are “more interested in and titillated about sex outside the relationship” and therefore are incapable of being trusted. It’s hard to imagine that through all this lying, snooping and acceptance of bad deeds going on, folks can still say that they are in, or even desire, an honest and open relationship. Yet according to this book, even among happy couples, there is a tendency to lie or not completely trust their partners.

Reading these statistics doesn’t seem to inspire confidence in relationships. It would be dishonest of me if I stated that I have never lied in a relationship. However, I admittedly have trust issues and currently avoid having genuine relationships like the plague, so I don’t have to be put into a position of lying or being lied to. But is there ever a point where lying is okay? Like for instance, do I really want a guy to give an honest answer to how fat I may look in my dress or what he thought about that meal I made from the recipe I found online? Some secrets might be worth taking to the grave. For instance, I know for the former wife of 99-year-old Antonio C., who divorced her after 77 years after she confessed to having an affair back in the 1940s, would have loved if she kept that tidbit of information to herself.

Sure, some folks say it might depend on the lie, but what about the liar? I probably would be more forgiving of a lie, which was told to spare my feelings than one told because he fears rejection and the consequences of his action. However, generally, I hate liars and in either circumstance, I would probably be pissed. After all, maybe it is not my big a**; maybe it is the dress and its unflattering shape, which is causing me to look extra chunky, particularly in areas where I don’t want the chunk. And if this is the case, I would appreciate the heads-up in the matter so I can go change outfits.

A few years back, I was dating this guy pretty heavily for a few months when he one day, sat me down and told me that he felt we should slow it down. The reason was that he wanted to concentrate on his daughter, who recently came to live with him on a full-time basis. Made sense to me. About a month later, while out at one of the local spoken-word venues in the city, I ran into this same guy and he was on a date with his new girlfriend. He had lied to me, he said, because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I felt like he lied to me because he was a coward. And it has been my experience that liars and cowards are mutually exclusive.