I have a friend… let’s call her Kim, who had a cousin who was murdered in 2010.  The two men who stabbed him were caught and convicted.  For anyone who’s been through something like, you probably knows that at the sentencing hearing, you’re allowed the opportunity to read a victim’s impact statement, which is pretty much a letter that you write, detailing how the loss of your loved one has negatively impacted your life.  You read it in the courtroom and it allows the family members who are hurting an opportunity to tell the person who’s up for sentencing how their actions made them feel, and allows the judge to hear from the grieving family; which helps him/her to make a decision for how long the person will be sentenced.

But there are rules to impact statements and you can’t read your impact statement until your lawyer reads it to make sure that the letter follows all guidelines.

So, the night before the sentencing hearing her aunt, who was the mother of the deceased, asked if Kim could help her write the statement and email it to the lawyer.  Kim and her aunt worked for hours perfecting the words that her aunt wanted to say on behalf of her son, how she felt whenever she saw his daughter, and how the entire situation could have been avoided.

Finally, the letter was done, a copy of it was printed and a copy was sent to the lawyer.  Afraid that she might have mistyped the email address, Kim looked back and made sure that it was identical to the email address that her aunt gave her.  She rechecked her email two more times after she sent it, felt satisfied that it was actually sent and probably received, bid farewell to her aunt and called it a night.

The next morning she wakes up happy, sun is shining, birds helped her get dressed that morning, and she goes to her computer, checks her email and sees the dreaded “Mailer-Daemon” email three hours after she sent the impact statement, alerting her that the email had never been sent.

Though the day was beautiful, immediately, she felt horrible.  She tried contacting the lawyer and the courthouse to figure out if she could resend it, but it was too late.  They needed it before that day.  A dark cloud of depression came over Kim and followed her the rest of the day.  She fought back tears as her family went to the courthouse and she stayed home not wanting to witness the hurt that her aunt would feel by not being able to express how she felt for losing her son.

At the end, the two boys got seven years.  Even though Kim knew that if they would have gotten the maximum (22 years in her state) it wouldn’t have brought back her cousin, she couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt.  She kept on wondering:  How could I have miss-typed the email address?  If my aunt got a chance to express how she felt, would the judge have given the boys more time?  Oh my God, this is all my fault…  

After two days of feeling extremely guilty, her family and friends tried to convince her that it wasn’t her fault.  Her aunt shouldn’t have waited until the last minute to do it. Kim did the best she could.  The judge probably had what sentence he was going to give already made up in his mind, and it probably wasn’t going to change.

About three weeks have passed and I’m not too sure if Kim is completely over it, but the only thing she feels she can do is block it out, because no matter what, she can’t change the outcome. She can’t flip the past.

I said all of that to say this: There are times when things are going to happen that might directly or indirectly be related to your actions. During the times that you actively caused someone pain, those are the times that you need to take responsibility, make amends and try to do better.  For those times where you tried your best, and the resulting failure caused someone else pain, after you apologize, try to give yourself a break. Obsessing over what happened, how you could have fixed it and what you did wrong isn’t going to change what already happened. It’s tough, indeed, trying to move on with your life after making a big mistake, but it’s even worse when you’re bogging yourself down with guilt over something that you can’t change and know was unintentional.  In those moments, learn from the situation and give yourself the opportunity to move forward. You can’t do that if you dwell on the past.

Kendra Koger is on twitter.

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Lockerz.com

Teen sweetheart Tiffany Evans recently popped back up on the R&B radar unexpectedly when she revealed in an Essence magazine interview that not only was she pregnant with her first child, but the she had been married for two years. Evans is only 19 years old, which places her walking down the aisle at 17 years old.  At 17, the only aisle I was walking down was located in the mall as I blew my whole paycheck on shoes, clothes and lip gloss.  No stranger to the tabloids, 19-year-old Miley Cyrus gained another gallon of side-eye from the public when she announced her engagement to boyfriend Liam Hemsworth whom she met in 2009 while filming The Last Song.  And the voice behind Penny Proud, 25-year-old Kyla Pratt faced a bit of backlash from abandoned fans when she announced that the reason she was MIA for a while was because she was busy being mommy to 1-year-old daughter, Lyric with fiancé, Danny Kirkpatrick, a former dancer turned tattoo artist.

In a world saturated by teen pregnancy, deadbeat baby daddies, and mommies who are shaking in the club when they should be at home two-stepping with their toddlers, it’s refreshing when we finally see young couples that are “doing it right” by getting married along with having kids.  But are they losing a crucial part of their youth in the process?

Getting married and starting a family are steps in life that there is no turning back from.  Your twenties are all about finding, nurturing and learning to take care of yourself before you become responsible for a lifetime of commitment.  I’m not saying there aren’t couples who take on these responsibilities early and do so successfully, but so many times I see people forgo the freedom and unique experiences of their twenties only to end up resentful in their thirties suffering from “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda” syndrome.

Sure, the ladies mentioned above are probably financially stable and have both personal and professional experiences that most people will never have, but I still can’t help but wonder why it seems so many young people want to rush into marriage and having children.  I wouldn’t trade the reckless abandon of my youth for anything because not only do I try to live with no regrets, but many of those experiences (both good and bad) prepared me with life experience and memories that I wouldn’t have otherwise, which I am hoping in turn will make me a more well-rounded person.

The best thing about being a single twenty-something with no children is that it’s one of the unique times in life where you have freedom as an adult without having all the responsibilities of one.  Besides, you have the rest of your life to schedule every minute of your existence in a daily planner, multitask being a wife, mother and daughter and save for retirement. The list below features some key experiences that I think all young women should have in the short years we are still “young, wild and free”:

Depending on who you talk to, we are on this earth to procreate and keep the human race thriving. In the meantime, we get jobs, we achieve things, we possibly get married, we live and learn (and change hairstyles), but in the end, folks are conditioned to be ready to bring another human being into the world (once again, this depends on who you’re talking to). According to the media, everybody is doing it (“Teen Mom,” celebrities, hell the Duggar family just won’t stop), and people should follow suit. But what happens when in your mind, you’re the one person who doesn’t want to have kids?

For years, I wasn’t extremely amped about the idea of motherhood, maybe because of the fact that I’ve had nieces and nephews to help look after and keep entertained since I was 4 (I can barely remember when my first niece and nephew were born, that’s how young I really was). I liked the idea of naming kids, but the raising kids part seemed like more than I could wrap my brain around, especially when my mom would say,”When I was your age, I had TWO kids and was married!. Oh, okay.

But as the years have gone by and I’ve watched other nieces and nephews be born and grow, and now watch my sister go through her first pregnancy, I realize that IN THE FUTURE, I’d like a little bundle of joy myself. But a coworker of mine looks at the idea of motherhood the same way she looks at the rubbery stick of cheese she tried to ingest from 7-Eleven this morning…with a bit of confusion, or as I like to say, she gives it the “Oh hell no face.” She respects those who do it, but she’s over the whole “Oh, I want to have a baby” hysteria. Aside from naming the struggles of growing up in a big family, when I asked her what influenced her to pass on having her own children in the near future, she threw out a variety of scattered reasons and responses:

The Commitment: The reality of the fact that when a child comes out, it’s with you and yours until you pass on (God willing) was a little too much for her. Having responsibility over another human being for years and years was something she was a bit leery of, and even when a child grows up, that doesn’t mean the worry over them stops. There’s no vacay from being a mom.

The Financial Burden: From the cost of the pregnancy test, to the money you have to put together to help put them through college, children are indeed expensive. My co-worker says she realizes she’s not in a place in her life where she can shoulder all the costs, and isn’t sure she’ll ever be there  or ready to shoulder it at all.

The Thought of Taking Care of Children Isn’t a Pleasant One: While she might not mind taking care of a little cousin for a few hours, knowing she can’t give said child back to their parent at the end of the day is a tad bit scary. Dealing with their possible terrible twos and tantrums, their energetic personalities and more for 24 hours a day, seven days a week 365 days a year (of course, with school or daycare involved) is something that fills her with anxiety, not a sense of happiness or fullness. Forget diamonds, kids are forever!

After we discussed her issues with motherhood and childbirth, the conversation turned to the idea of whether or not having these feelings and being against the idea of having children made people self-absorbed. She told me a story about hanging out with a girlfriend while they had a conversation with a man about why they didn’t have kids yet, and her friend made it clear that she wouldn’t have a child if she didn’t meet the right guy. The fella decided to blast her friend for being “selfish.” As crazy as that sounds, it’s not the first time someone has tried to pull that on a woman. When Oprah made it clear that she wasn’t going to push out any babies and reiterated the point over the years, people wondered why a woman who could provide so much to a child wouldn’t want to have children, or even adopt them. Selfish, much? But it was an interesting question: Does not wanting children make a woman selfish?

While some women might not want to give birth for superficial reasons (“I’m trying to keep my body right!”), or for random reasons (they had a bad encounter with ONE child and are over them all), there are many who just really don’t feel the need to do have a kid. Not because they hate kids, but because they just don’t see themselves in the motherly role. Maybe they’ve had bad experiences being children in humongous families, or have aspirations to do a wealth of things that wouldn’t be baby friendly, but whatever the reason, while folks might not immediately understand it, I don’t think it makes someone selfish. That’s like a woman unsure of whether or not to get married to her boyfriend does so to please the folks who say she should, only to have a rocky marriage. If you know in your heart you don’t have an enthusiasm for the concept, why would you go forth and have a child? Why bring someone in the world that you don’t want? In reality, what would be more selfish is to bring a child in the world that you can’t provide for, don’t have love for, and don’t want to take responsibility of, and sadly, we see women do things of that nature every day. Instead of giving these ladies the side eye, you might want to show them love for keeping it real with themselves.

Who knows, my co-worker’s feelings could change in the future. The right guy could come along, sweep her off of her feet and make her want to start a family. Or maybe she’ll continue to work her way to the top of the fashion world and leave all the babies and the baby talk to everybody else. In the end, I know what I would like for myself, and she clearly knows what she doesn’t want for herself. Coming to terms with the fact that you don’t want to have kids and being okay with your choice doesn’t make you selfish though, at least in my opinion. But uh, good look getting your family to be as understanding…

What are your thoughts on women who don’t want to have children? Is it selfish?

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http://www.clutchmagonline.com

This might sound like an oxymoron, but there are true benefits to being in an entry-level position (no, really!). Starting off in a new company, fresh out of college with no real experience level under your belt or beginning in a completely new field way after college could seem like a step back professionally, as you envision endless days of rushing to get coffee, make copies, answer phone calls and doing very little significant work.

Don’t fret in your position just yet. Working your way up the corporate ladder comes with its difficult times, but it is imperative to look at the bright side to being a little lower on the company totem pole. Seize the opportunity of being an entry-level professional to your advantage, and keep in mind these perks you will come out of it with:

Being an entry-level employee is all about the learning experience you receive while being a beginner in the field or company. This experience is invaluable because many mid and upper-level executives have years of professional knowledge, which could make for good examples of what and what not to do in your industry, and a great opportunity to make contacts and network.

The experience of learning from seasoned professionals in your field (while also getting paid!) is one that you do not want to ignore and resent just because you are a little lower on the totem pole at work. Many other executives do not have the chance to sit back and learn while on the job, so take this aspect of your position as having an upper-hand.

The Option to Explore Other Opportunities

One of the most useful benefits of being an entry-level employee is the time and space you get to explore opportunities in and outside your company. This could be preparing for another career path or choosing to pursue a higher education in order to increase your overall market worth in your field. Just beginning in your field, you have the option to explore other paths and possibilities before anything is truly set in stone for you. Take your time as an employee to explore options you might want to look further into before you are solidified in your field. It might prove difficult to change your career path completely after 10 or so years in the same field.

By Kariba Williams

I was only five when I realized that my mother had a drug habit. She would stay in the kitchen for hours at a time with some of her “friends.” She would only come out when she needed to prevent me from venturing into the kitchen or when it was time for her to go to the “store” to feed her habit. By the time I turned six, my first brother was born, however, my mother continued her drug use and wound having two additional children in a span of three years. My mother was not a “typical” user. She went on heavy binges. She didn’t use every day, but when she did use, she would be hard to reach for days at a time. Because of this, my siblings became my responsibility at a young age. I ensured that they were fed and tried to show them the right things to do, despite my own lack of guidance. I was a good girl for the most part and my mother knew it. As her disappearing acts caught the attention of neighbors, authorities were called in and my siblings and I were removed. This became the norm. She would get us back, we would be removed again, and she would somehow get us back once more.

When she got us back for a final time, she still wasn’t through with her addiction. She knew how to straighten up long enough for the court to believe she was rehabilitated. My mother loved us very much, but her inner demons ran rampant. She had minimal strength in fighting her addiction and that made me an adult before my time. I made hard decisions and became the most consistent thing in the lives of my siblings. I was their guardian. I felt an incredible need to protect them. The feeling was so strong that I couldn’t even fathom the idea of going to college outside of the city. If I left, who would protect them? My life was about them and never about me. I was more selfless than selfish for the first half of my life.

One night, my mom went to the “store” and didn’t come back for two days. I was 21 years old, had a job and was enrolled in school full time. And at that point, I was fed up. I was tired of playing mommy. My siblings were teenagers and one of them was becoming rebellious: arrests, stabbings, juvenile detention, breaking curfew, and possible pregnancies. Things were beyond the usual meetings with the guidance counselor. Things just became too much for me, and I finally realized how overwhelmed I was. For the first time, I knew it was time to pull myself together for me. When my mother came back from that two-day binge, I moved in with a relative and started doing my own thing. From there, I got my own place a year later.

By DaMonica Boone

We all have our moments where we find ourselves yelling at the top of our lungs to an adult as if they were our child, or becoming easily angered when something doesn’t go the way we planned. When you find yourself speaking to your friend or significant other in the tone your mother used to speak to you in, you might have to step back into your body and get yourself together. In fact, you might need to sit back and ask yourself if you are a control freak. Here are a few signs that might make you the modern day Cruella de Ville.

1. Planning everyone else’s life
If you find yourself making plans for someone else before he or she has the opportunity to opt out (this could include your partner), you’re probably a big fan of having things go the way you want them too often. For instance, you shouldn’t plan things for your friend or boo before you run it by them first. Now, they’re stuck feeling bad and are forced to attend because you’ve paid for something for the two of you or because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. Or worse, they don’t want to feel your wrath…

2. Monitoring someone’s moves
It’s okay to keep tabs on a friend if, you know, he or she is bad at managing time and you have plans together. If you two have something scheduled that you don’t want to miss, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you were on their toes to make sure things go as planned. But if you are monitoring a friend’s actions for the sake of yourself and to have something to tell them they should change, you might be a bit too controlling. You can’t make sure she’s ready by noon just because you want to be at the mall by 1 p.m. Things happen, and people aren’t always going to be ready at the drop of a hat. If you can’t handle a friend being a little late for things, you might want to go alone.

3. Speaking to people in the wrong tone
It’s normal to speak to others like you’re crazy when you’re upset by their actions, though I wouldn’t recommend doing it often… However, there are a few things that are never appropriate to say unless you are saying them to your children. Phrases such as “What did I just say???” and “You’re going to make me hurt you” are words that can get you in trouble if they are said to the wrong person, or any grown person for that matter. Calm down and speak to others like you would like to be spoken to.

4. The need to be in control
Everything can’t always go the way you want it to go, get done when you want it done, or be done how you want it to be done. Being in control is something everyone wants. No one likes the feeling of inferiority or not being in control of their situations. When the slightest thought of someone else being in control makes you feel as if your head is going to explode and you slowly start being overbearing, you might be suffering from not only insecurity issues, but a large dose of control freak syndrome as well.

5. Your behavior affects your relationships
Being in control and always wanting to have things in order is a trait some people you know might respect, while others might loathe it. Your friends and family might love that part of you, but even cows get tired of milk. You’re a control freak when your need to be in control is affecting those around you. If your mother is worried about you, you should be too. If you’re starting to annoy your best friend, maybe you should consider calming down. And if your attitude is affecting your significant other, you should try to be open to giving someone else a chance to be the one behind the wheel if you know what I mean. No one likes a control freak, and you can’t be in control all the time and butt heads with people all the time to have get it. Everyone needs someone else to get them together every now and then.

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By Taylor Lea Thomas

You’re getting married and your mom is a super proud mother of the bride and revels in the title. Now that you’re in planning mode, you’re a little worried about the fact that she wants you to invite all of her friends, and seems to want to be involved in every little detail of planning your big day and letting you know what’s a good and terrible idea. Uh…No disrespect to your mother, because you want to include her in your wedding plans, however, you don’t want her to take over. Here are a few ways to help your mom feel important by involving her in your wedding planning without fear of her becoming your unofficial wedding planner:

• If your Mom likes being in charge, consider asking her to be the designated go-to person on your wedding day just in case something goes awry. Late participants in the wedding, guest issues–if she spots a problem, she’ll be the person to address it. Also, make sure to provide her with a list of the contact names and phone numbers of all of your vendors just in case one of them is running late or something needs fixing. This will make her feel very important, and of course, as mother of the bride, she is!

• Planning a wedding can sometimes be so stressful that it leaves little time for blending both families together unless you’ve been together for many years. Consider asking her to host informal family dinners for your future in-laws. It doesn’t have to be fancy and can be as simple as a barbecue, spaghetti dinner, Sunday dinner–whatever works, it’s just all about getting everyone fully acquainted and comfortable with one another. Perhaps, she can even prepare a special family favorite dish of yours to share with your groom’s family as a way of showing the blending of two families as one now. You’d love it and I’m sure your groom would appreciate your people making an effort to get to know his family better too.

• It’s easy for a guest list to get out of hand with people you haven’t seen or spoken to in years who expect to be invited. Sometimes invited guests RSVP with more guests than can allow. If you’re trying to narrow your ever growing guest list and need a little assistance for extended family members and others who may be offended that they didn’t get an invite, ask your mom to take on the daunting task of making that dreaded phone call to your cousins and crazy uncle. It will take the stress off of you, and you won’t feel the pressure to give in to “Can I come pretty please?” requests or any guilt trips by distant third cousins. Your mom might enjoy having that final say and putting her foot down for her baby. Awwww!

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Source: radiosurvivor.com

To say you’re surprised by anything ignorant that comes out of the mouth of talk show host and conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh is pretty crazy at this point. It’s like sitting in front of your window expecting the sun to come up–why pay attention when you know it’s going to happen? He was born to be a scoundrel–he is the chosen one. From calling President Obama “Barack the Magic Negro” to making claims that actor Michael J. Fox, who has Parkinson’s disease, was exaggerating the severity of his illness in an ad for stem cell research to gain sympathy, it’s clear that Limbaugh is the big, immature and insensitive kid who just wasn’t given that talk about common sense, and you know…home training.

But I guess he crossed a whole new line with people after he called law student Sandra Fluke a “S**t,” “prostitute” and “feminazi”  because she went in front of the House Democratic Steering and Policy Committee to get support for health coverage for contraceptives. BAD move. Doesn’t he know who runs the world? (Girls!) Since making those remarks last week, his sponsors have been running like Usain Bolt away from his show and everything that represents Limbaugh. Although he has tried to offer multiple phony and lame apologies, ones that came out of pressure but not true remorse, folks still aren’t having it. So instead of backing away from his comments, Limbaugh has decided to do what too many white men with a microphone and a huge audience like to do when they have their back against a wall with sponsors and the public in general–blame rap music.

While defending his comments (and no longer running from them), Limbaugh had the following to say according to MTV: “Talk about a double standard,’’ Limbaugh said. “Rappers can say anything they want about women. It’s called art. And they win awards.’’

…*Bursts into laughter* Really Rush? Really? Is that all you could think of?

I mean, let’s be real about it, this is a subject we’ve talked about numerous times. Do many rappers consistently degrade women and call them things much worse than “sluts” and “prostitutes” in their lyrics? Yes, often. After watching a video of rapper Game and his crew push a woman off the stage after groping her when she refused to pull down her shirt, it’s clear some men getting paid for their “talents” and rhymes need to rethink their behavior and their lyrics. However, when are grown a** radio hosts like Rush Limbaugh and Don Imus going to stop blaming rappers they don’t listen to and know not a darn thing about for their disrespectful, hateful and simple-minded comments? It’s so played out to go after the group of people that mainstream America loves to dance to one day, and then bash the next.

What’s really up with this 61-year-old man blaming Gucci, Lil Wayne, Kanye (hell, even Nicki) and a slew of other rappers for the fact that he can’t stand to see a strong woman fight for a cause that he doesn’t agree with? And to see Don Imus’ archaic behind having the nerve to to call Limbaugh an insincere pig for his attack on Fluke almost made me want to throw up my Cap’N Crunch this morning. So it’s not okay for him to call this young, educated and strong white woman a “s**t,” but you had all the reason in the world to call a probably equally educated and strong group of black female basketball players nappy headed hoes and then deflect the focus to Jay-Z? Yeah, both of these men have the game all wrong.

It’s pretty clear we live in  a world where many men don’t have much respect for women at all: rappers, political pundits, men on the street in general. I could sit around and cry a river over it, but I’m fairly sure that this was something we all knew already. Hearing enough conversations and excuses as to why men shouldn’t give up their seats on trains and open doors and Facebook essays on why a woman’s outfit could be asking for sexual assault proves that. And that’s the root of Limbaugh’s comments, his huge lack of respect for women and other people in general who don’t agree with his views and tirades.

In my mind, when something that vile comes out of your mouth, chances are, you truly mean it. So Rush, either stand up like a man and apologize if you feel bad, or don’t and stand by your words, but at 61 years of age, you and all these other loose-lipped old white men with power and influence need to stop blaming others for your racist and sexist actions. While Yeezy, Wacka, and especially Game might have a long way to go with showing respect for women in their lyrics, they didn’t advise you to call her a “s**t,” so stop running from the real problem and using black men as your scapegoat. Because seriously, if I asked him to name 10 of his favorite rappers, he’d probably draw a blank after one. Come on Rush, suck it up and finally, FINALLY take the consequences of your actions–or make that words–like a man.

There are times when we want to blame the world for our issues–for the jobs we hate, the men in our lives that we can’t stand anymore, the friends who have done us wrong. That’s all fine and dandy every once in a while, but the time comes when we have to also look at ourselves and take blame for constant bad decisions and bad people in our lives. You live and you learn, and then you do better. Because we all need a reality check from time to time, here are a few things you need to figure out on your own rather than doling out blame to others.

Relationships are cool. Marriage is great. Love is beautiful. But, being single is actually not so bad either. In fact, the freedom to slide through the front door at 5 a.m. feels pret-ty awesome. And, though some of us coupled-up women refuse to admit it, there are moments when we miss the single life.

Grass has a way of looking greener on the other side; and, human nature has a way of coveting the best of both worlds. We see our single friends delighting in the joys of freedom—flirting at happy hour, mid-week GNOs and, oh, the sweet sound of silence.

Many of us spend so much of our single lives looking for ways to get into relationships that we miss how fun it is to be a part of the Single Ladies Club. And, it’s not until those days are gone that we yearn for one more round of happy hour singles meet-and-greets disguised as networking events; or one more impromptu Tuesday night trip to the movie theater with the bestie.

Think you may be secretly thirsting for the single life, again? Here are signs you’re (a little or a lot) jealous of your single girlfriends: