All Articles Tagged "relationship titles"
Is This Petty? A Year Later, He Won’t Make Me His Girlfriend Because He Doesn’t Think I’m “Wife Material”
Not that long ago, I asked you all your opinions on labels. Are they important? Are they necessary?
But based on a recent story my boss shared with me about a confused friend, I now want to know if you would be willing to forgo a girlfriend title in the hopes that it will bring you the title of Mrs. instead?
That’s what one woman is trying to determine.
According to my friend, her close friend April* first met Rashan* when he was a sous chef at a local restaurant here in NYC. They caught each other’s eyes when she was out with her ex-boyfriend. And while she thought him to be handsome, she thought nothing else of him. She left it at that. But after encountering one another in her Crown Heights neighborhood randomly one day last year, they mixed, mingled, and exchanged numbers.
They quickly hit it off after going on dates every few days. And about a month into their courting situation, they slept together (something my friend said she warned April not to do because “Where do you really go from there?”). Still, April was confident that they were going somewhere, that they had something special. And it seemed like he felt the same way. Again, it seemed that way. Rashan told her that they should be monogamous–when it comes to intercourse. As in, “don’t f–k anybody else.” And two months into their relationship, he shared with her that he wanted to have a child within the next year or so. His paternal clock was ticking. He wasn’t necessarily stating that he saw her as the one to carry it, but the idea of Rashan already sharing his hopes for a family and the future were encouraging to her.
Things seemed promising to April. But as the months passed, she started to have the usual “What are we doing?” feelings when Rashan continued to say nothing about the possibility of them making things official. But then again, she hadn’t brought up the topic before.
So she finally decided to, six months in. But the response she received was not what she necessarily wanted to hear.
“I don’t know. I’m not really looking for another girlfriend. The next woman I’m with for real, I want to marry. I’m not 100 percent sure that’s you and that you’re wife material right now, so I don’t want to make anything official or get your hopes up just yet.”
In a way, such a statement sounds nice. It sounds like a man who has his sh-t together and knows what he wants. He doesn’t want to waste his time. He is ready to commit to the right woman and start a family.
But in another way, it just sounds like an interesting excuse to avoid all the responsibilities and expectations that come with being someone’s boyfriend.
Still, April stayed with Rashan for a few more months. But by the one-year mark, she brought up the status of their relationship again. And the response she received should have been what she wanted to hear by then, but again, it wasn’t.
“I thought we were in a relationship?” he said. “We’re basically boyfriend and girlfriend. What else is it that you’re looking for from me?”
She wanted him to say officially that she was his girlfriend. And despite what he may have thought they were, he still didn’t introduce her to people as his girlfriend, and she didn’t speak of Rashan as her boyfriend. Four months later, and officially a year and four months into…something, they are in the middle of nowhere and April is fed up. This far into things, she told my friend that she can’t help but to love Rashan, but she worries that she’s on a path to nowhere with him.
And you know what? She’s right. I know people may wait longer and longer these days to claim folks, but it’s clear that Rashan is playing games. He’s comfortable with April, and he’s comfortable because she hasn’t forced him to give her a title (by getting up and leaving). She’s floated along with their situationship, and he’s been the captain of the broken down ship. Now she’s in love and invested in a whole lot of nothing.
While I think the concept of waiting until you find the right woman to make a wife instead of a girlfriend sounds nice, it relieved Rashan of all that would have been expected of him if he had made things official. And it allowed him to do whatever and treat her feelings like whatever under the grounds that they weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, but while making her think there was a possibility that he might actually pop the question sooner than later. It was a trap. And if April knows what’s good for her heart, she will jump ship and let Rashan find another confused soul to pick up to ride on his sinking ship…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Was Rashan petty with the way he handled the situation? Or was April?
Is This Petty? We’ve Been Together For Two Years And He Still Won’t Tell His Family And Friends About Me
A young woman reached out to our news writer recently with an interesting dilemma. Having read the writer’s past story entitled, “The Private Relationship Vs. The Secret Relationship: There’s A Difference,” the woman wanted to know which category her relationship would fall under.
The woman explained that she is currently in a two-year relationship with a guy she believes could be her soulmate. He makes her happy–so happy that she gushes about him to her friends and family. Unfortunately, he doesn’t do the same when it comes to her. According to this young woman, her boyfriend is a very driven workaholic whose family depends on him heavily to do well so that they can be financially stable. He’s their great black hope. According to him, his family wouldn’t be happy to hear that he’s so consumed with a relationship. Weird excuse, right? Well, that’s not the only one.
She also said that after talking to him about her concerns, he told her that he doesn’t let other people know about their relationship because he doesn’t want outsiders meddling in what they have. This woman understands his sentiments and wants to make things work. Remember, this is a “soulmate situation” we’re talking about. But it’s obvious that she’s very conflicted. On the one hand, she’s happy and believes that they have the same goals and hopes for their relationship; but on the other hand, she says that she doesn’t understand why he’s so weird about claiming her and that his failure to do so hurt her to the point where she contemplated leaving in the past.
Despite all that, she hasn’t left him because like many women caught up in complicated romantic situations, she’s in love.
This is a tough one to call. There are pieces of their backstory missing: whether or not he tells people he’s off the market at all; if he’s wary of appearing with her out in public; if he displays any other suspicious behavior; and it would even be good to know if they’re from two different ethnic groups, as that could make him feel like his family wouldn’t approve of their relationship.
Whatever the specifics, to me, this is not a petty problem. This is a real issue. I can understand people trying to be defiant and not wanting to announce to the world that they’re off the market. The days of Facebook relationship statuses linked to your special someone’s page are long gone. That’s so 2008. But one could say that this is equivalent to him basically saying, but not saying, that he’s either embarrassed to be seen with her for reasons unknown or that he can’t claim her because someone else is claiming him. While I do believe that there are genuinely private people out there who don’t want to share their business with others, this is an extreme. Based on her account of things, he won’t even talk about her with his friends. Family is one thing, because many people don’t believe in introducing men or women to their kinfolk unless they’re looking to take things to the next level; but a person who won’t even talk about you with their friends just to let them know that they’re in a serious relationship (because two years is not two months, people) is being more sneaky than reserved. Honestly, after more than 730 days of exclusivity, expecting a guy to be proud of his relationship is really not asking for that much–that is, if he’s actually proud to be in the relationship after all.
So is this a petty problem? Should she be understanding and not care about a public announcement? Or is he doing her greasy?
Single. Married. Divorced. Creepin’. Casually dating. Engaged in casual sex. In the friend zone. It’s complicated. The side piece. The main side chick. The main chick. Living together but not in a relationship. Dating exclusively.
Which one describes your current relationship status and situation? Sometimes we’re lucky enough to be on the same page with the the person we’re interested in, and other times, our relationship status is not what we think or hope it is.
With each new romantic experience, there are different phases and stages that have titles, whether we acknowledge or agree to such titles or not. But nowadays, it seems as though people engage in “relationship-like” activities with people, but don’t really know the status of what they have and where they stand. For some, a “situationship” status doesn’t matter as long as they have someone around who pays attention to them and picks up the tab every now and then. But most of us want to know what our particular status is with a person, and honestly speaking, I believe it’s best for you and your emotional well-being to have this information. Here’s why.
For starters, it gives you clarity on where you stand and how you can and should move forward if the other person isn’t serious about you. It keeps you from wasting too much time on them if they’re not on the same page as you. Remember Lauryn Hill and Rohan Marley? Fifteen years and five kids, and one day, that was it. It was over. Don’t waste precious time in a relationship where you have to guess or assume you’re moving forward with someone just to get left behind. It’s not worth it.
And knowing your status allows you to keep your options open. Many people think that they should stick to one person at a time even without knowing how the other person truly feels. While there’s nothing wrong with this, I think it’s best to explore your options until things are more defined.
Getting clarity with a love interest can be difficult because you don’t want to ruin what seems to be a good thing by bringing up the subject of commitment. However, if you want to get the answers you deserve, start by asking honest questions about where they think things are headed. If they’re not on the same page as you, quickly jump ship before it sinks.
Also, from here on out, you should clearly state your standards and expectations from the start. Ask your mate what theirs are and try to stick to them. This way, both parties know what to anticipate and there won’t be any surprises. Well, let’s hope not.
Lastly, don’t accept anything that’s not in line with what you’re seeking. Don’t fall for the all too familiar lines, “we’re working on it” or “you know that I care about you.” People do what they want, and commit to whomever they choose to, so don’t accept small actions and excuses. Move on to what you want and deserve.
In the end, you don’t want to spend your time with someone and not know if it’s the real thing or a fling. Be clear on your status with the person you’re interested in, the expectations you have, and if all else fails, establish a status for yourself that makes you happy, even if it means that you stand alone.
Liz Lampkin is the author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? and an advocate for single women. Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.
People love to tell you that women cannot stop running their mouths. And I’m not really here to argue that women don’t generally talk more than men. What I am arguing though, is that every once in a while, you’ll stumble across a man who does a whole lot of chatting, often to his own detriment. I ran into someone like this, this past week when I went to get my hair done. My hairdresser just so happened to be a male this time and homeboy said more than he should have. Without any prompting from me, this 45 year old man started talking about his career goals. His long term goals were to be an architect; but in the interim, he was going to stack money by doing hair at the shop and in his house… well, not exactly his house, it was his friend’s. He made sure that I knew it was a female friend. (As if that made the situation any better.) This friend of his not only opened up her home to him as a residence, she told him that he could make a little money on the side by doing hair there. She even offered to install a washing bowl in her home. He declined. That was a bit much. Well, that seemed like a lot of support to me. So I said, “That was nice of your friend.” That’s when he told the truth about his “friendship.”
“Well, if she were here, I’d have to call her my girlfriend.”
“So is she your girlfriend or not?”
“Well, you know…we…you know we…yeah she’s my girlfriend.”
At this point, I had officially written him off as a shady character; but just because I was done with him, didn’t mean he was done talking. A few minutes later, he was telling me about a woman he knew who recently published a book. After promoting her book, he said, “I could call her my girlfriend too. We…you know, we…”
Ugh. So done with you sir. At this point I was silently praying that all shady, no good, low down dirty vibes would not be transmitted into my hair.
Not only was he talking too much in general, the gall of him to be speaking about his triflin’ ways in front of another woman was… not very smart. It wasn’t smart for him speaking like that in front of me and it wasn’t smart discussing the intimate details of his personal life with a client. Here is this woman going out of her way to support his dreams and he couldn’t be honest about how he saw her in their relationship. Do you think if she knew homeboy was calling her a friend in the street, she’d even think about offering to install a whole sink in her home, let alone allow him to stay in her house? Probably not. I’d bet she’s thinking she is doing all of this for her man, not her friend. Just be honest. But then he might run the risk of being homeless out here…and it’s wintertime.
For me, it just served as another warning that these men out here, even if they’re in their 40’s, can be scandalous. I suggest you heed the warning as well. You can’t always know how your man is describing your relationship when you’re not around; liars will be liars. But until you’re absolutely sure that you both agree on the nature of your relationship, don’t inconvenience yourself or allow yourself to be used by a man who’s just a friend.