Not that long ago, I asked you all your opinions on labels. Are they important? Are they necessary?
But based on a recent story my boss shared with me about a confused friend, I now want to know if you would be willing to forgo a girlfriend title in the hopes that it will bring you the title of Mrs. instead?
That’s what one woman is trying to determine.
According to my friend, her close friend April* first met Rashan* when he was a sous chef at a local restaurant here in NYC. They caught each other’s eyes when she was out with her ex-boyfriend. And while she thought him to be handsome, she thought nothing else of him. She left it at that. But after encountering one another in her Crown Heights neighborhood randomly one day last year, they mixed, mingled, and exchanged numbers.
They quickly hit it off after going on dates every few days. And about a month into their courting situation, they slept together (something my friend said she warned April not to do because “Where do you really go from there?”). Still, April was confident that they were going somewhere, that they had something special. And it seemed like he felt the same way. Again, it seemed that way. Rashan told her that they should be monogamous–when it comes to intercourse. As in, “don’t f–k anybody else.” And two months into their relationship, he shared with her that he wanted to have a child within the next year or so. His paternal clock was ticking. He wasn’t necessarily stating that he saw her as the one to carry it, but the idea of Rashan already sharing his hopes for a family and the future were encouraging to her.
Things seemed promising to April. But as the months passed, she started to have the usual “What are we doing?” feelings when Rashan continued to say nothing about the possibility of them making things official. But then again, she hadn’t brought up the topic before.
So she finally decided to, six months in. But the response she received was not what she necessarily wanted to hear.
“I don’t know. I’m not really looking for another girlfriend. The next woman I’m with for real, I want to marry. I’m not 100 percent sure that’s you and that you’re wife material right now, so I don’t want to make anything official or get your hopes up just yet.”
In a way, such a statement sounds nice. It sounds like a man who has his sh-t together and knows what he wants. He doesn’t want to waste his time. He is ready to commit to the right woman and start a family.
But in another way, it just sounds like an interesting excuse to avoid all the responsibilities and expectations that come with being someone’s boyfriend.
Still, April stayed with Rashan for a few more months. But by the one-year mark, she brought up the status of their relationship again. And the response she received should have been what she wanted to hear by then, but again, it wasn’t.
“I thought we were in a relationship?” he said. “We’re basically boyfriend and girlfriend. What else is it that you’re looking for from me?”
She wanted him to say officially that she was his girlfriend. And despite what he may have thought they were, he still didn’t introduce her to people as his girlfriend, and she didn’t speak of Rashan as her boyfriend. Four months later, and officially a year and four months into…something, they are in the middle of nowhere and April is fed up. This far into things, she told my friend that she can’t help but to love Rashan, but she worries that she’s on a path to nowhere with him.
And you know what? She’s right. I know people may wait longer and longer these days to claim folks, but it’s clear that Rashan is playing games. He’s comfortable with April, and he’s comfortable because she hasn’t forced him to give her a title (by getting up and leaving). She’s floated along with their situationship, and he’s been the captain of the broken down ship. Now she’s in love and invested in a whole lot of nothing.
While I think the concept of waiting until you find the right woman to make a wife instead of a girlfriend sounds nice, it relieved Rashan of all that would have been expected of him if he had made things official. And it allowed him to do whatever and treat her feelings like whatever under the grounds that they weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, but while making her think there was a possibility that he might actually pop the question sooner than later. It was a trap. And if April knows what’s good for her heart, she will jump ship and let Rashan find another confused soul to pick up to ride on his sinking ship…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Was Rashan petty with the way he handled the situation? Or was April?