Virtually raise your hand if you’ve ever received an advance from a man you didn’t know or had never met in your Facebook message inbox or on any form of social media.

I can’t see how many hands were raised of course, but I’d assume every woman woman who came across this post has dealt with this.

Just today I read a story about young Chicago rapper Chief Keef trying to come on to Nicki Minaj through Twitter. He’s 17, and she is 30. Aaliyah once said that “Age Ain’t Nothin’ But A Number,” but when you act your age or less than, as in the case of the young man, it’s definitely more than a number. He started off by randomly telling her to “Drop Da Dead Dinner.” Probably not expecting a real response, she took the time out of her day to ask him to clarify his statements (“Come Again?”), and he did, in a very direct way: “Meanin F**k Yo Man He Aint S**t.”

As the interaction continues, things go downhill and become awkward very fast. Minaj keeps her words very short (or nonexistent) while he continues to try and get her to be less horrified and more flattered (he claims he’s in love with the Barbie). When he doesn’t get the reaction he’s looking for he tells her to “StopPlayin.” And eventually she randomly says “TAP OUT” and in response, he gets crude: “TAP OUT Million Dollar Pu**y?”

And cut. This very uncomfortable-to-watch interaction is one I’ve seen and heard about. During my college years I would watch as my notification box would turn red to let me know a complete stranger had something to say to me after seeing a photo of me and my friends at the beach. “Wat up.”

I had heard similar stories from friends, but I had the luck of not having to get cursed out or made to feel absolutely uncomfortable by a man who really thought we were going to make a love (or better yet, booty) connection over the Internet. Unfortunately,  my niece didn’t have such luck, as I watched a man who decided to follow her on Instagram act in a manner that would make someone like Chief Keef proud.

While getting ready for bed, I took a quick glance to be nosy at what folks were doing on Instagram last night. Out of all the people I saw, my niece had posted of a picture of herself in her #OTD (aka, outfit of the day), which was a cropped shirt she cut, blue jeans, Jordans and a beanie, trying to toot her butt out a little bit. I did a post not too long ago about my niece and her Instagram habits damn near giving me a heart attack on a daily basis, but this one wasn’t so bad. As for the comments, I noticed a friend or two saying she looked cute, and then I noticed a guy who said the following: “Little booty but cute.”

Thinking nothing of it (and probably realizing that yes, she does have a little booty despite her best efforts), my niece responded with no shade, saying “lol thanks,” and tagging his Instagram account. Unfortunately for her, responding at all was taken as my niece saying she was interested in him. She wasn’t.

He proceeded to publicly post his phone number with the acronym FWM (aka, “f**k with me”), and when she didn’t respond to him, he started to spazz out in a series of posts that can only be described as a hot a** mess:

“…So you don’t want to FWM?”

“HELLO? You not gonna FWM?”

“Well F**K You Too Wit Yo LIL Booty A**”

Clearly this man had no kind of sense, and I realized that later when I clicked on his Instagram name and saw that a majority of his photos were selfies that included him smoking weed, him showing off new shoes, with money spread on a bed (approximately $39 dollars–$19 of them in single one dollar bills) next to Swisher Sweets and a whole lot of captions for pics that weren’t spelled in English: “On my real ni**a shyt.”As I refreshed the page and got ready to say something crazy that I can’t repeat on here (don’t mess with my family now…), I saw that my niece handled it well. She didn’t respond, but just deleted his comments and removed him from her list of followers. Luckily she had more sense than me at that moment.

When I think of pictures of Nicki Minaj squatting near a pool with a thong on, or my niece trying to attract attention sticking her butt out in a photo (or most of her photos that is), one might say that it’s when you seek out less than positive attention like that, that you get a less than positive, if not ratchet reaction from men, young and old, like this. However, I’ve never understood why when some individuals don’t get the response they want, they have to be ugly or inappropriate to save face. As Mick Jagger once sang, you can’t always get what you want, and when a woman doesn’t curse you out or come at you uber negative when she’s not interested, as in the case of my niece and Minaj, it’s best to just keep it moving. Facebook, Instagram and Twitter aren’t a substitute for Match.com and/or meeting a new booty call, so those who try the easy route of macking online are going to have to one day learn the very normal art of making conversation and making connections in person, in a polite manner, if they want to be taken seriously. Until then, miss us with the drive-by “FWM” “Drop Da Dead Dinner” “U Cute” and Wat Ups. Thanks but no thanks.

Source: amandapeyton.com

To many, online dating is still that last ditch effort to escape the land of singledom, and though the stigma surrounding answering that age-old “so, how did you meet,” question has somewhat subsided, some of these dating sites are not helping the cause.

I started thinking about this when I was over on Jezebel and saw someone alerted them to the ad with the guy above running in Subways in New York City. The poster is for a new “social discovery” site known as Badoo that promises to connect quirky New Yorkers with other equally odd residents who share their unique tastes, so it’s not totally about dating but that appears to be what this man is about. Since the site’s whole niche is based on eccentric individuals they sort of get a break, however I don’t know anybody who’s checking for a brother with a hairy chest and gold chains looking to cuddle. In other words, if that’s the cream of the quirky crop, that 150 million users figure is more likely 150.

This ad took me back to the commercials I remember seeing for another new site called Zoosk. The name alone makes you question why you would even sign up and the equally goofy commercial that went along with it really had me questioning what type of people would actually join a site like this? I concluded that answer was no one I nor anyone I knew in real life was likely interested in dating. It’s one thing to be asked how you met and just say “online.” But there is a 99% chance someone is going to say “oh, which site?” and I’ll be damned if the word “Zoosk” roll off my tongue and someone has visions of a white man playing darts yelling “kakakow!” The commercial is clearly a spoof of dates gone wrong from not using the site but I just couldn’t place my faith in a site with such a name—and no acknowledgement of people outside the color spectrum of white, but that’s my next point.

On the other end of the spectrum, in what seems to be the upper echelon of the online dating world, are the swanky ads from the folks at e-harmony and match.com. There’s nothing corny about their swexy new ad spots but there’s also nothing diverse about them either. I can remember one, maybe two, occasions where I saw black faces in their ad campaigns and if I recall correctly the matched couple was well into their 50s or 60s. I don’t mind an older man but I’m not trying to date my grandfather. If the images in their ads are supposed to reflect the people signing up for the site, there appears to be nothing for me there.

And in a totally wrong monkey see-monkey do move, J.C Dixon has founded a new site known as attractiveblackingles.com which sounds inviting—if you actually live up to the site’s name. Following in the footsteps of beautifulpeople.com, you have to actually prove you’re attractive enough to have a profile on the site before you can start to e-meet and greet. Yeah, so Badoo it is.

Looking at these options, it’s not hard to see why black women reportedly have less success dating online. Perhaps we’re not all interested in getting cozy with goofy, old, odd, or white men, which is what I say (in so many words) when someone asks me have I tried online dating. I’m honestly shocked this is one industry that appears to not have dove head first into the gotta find a black woman a man industry, which I’m thankful for. However, they could throw a sista a bone and put something out there that might actually make someone log on to www.whateveritmaybe.com and give this a try because what I’m seeing so far is not enticing at all, to say the least

Have online dating ads turned you off to finding a man online or have you had success with some sites?

Brande Victorian is the news and operations editor for madamenoire.com. Follow her on twitter @Be_Vic.

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For some, Valentine’s Day is just another day. But for true romantics, February marks the season of love, and you can’t imagine spending Cupid’s holiday alone. With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, you’re running out of time to find a date, so get on it! If you’re dreading spending Valentine’s Day solo, fret no more…we can give you a few ideas for finding a last minute boo!

Read the rest of this entry »

So much for getting to know someone first. Results of the same Match.com survey that found more single Americans are interested in love over marriage, also showed singles are quick to jump into bed on the first night.

In all, 55 percent of singles reported having sex on a first date—66 percent of men and 44 percent of women. Sex therapist Laura Berman thinks the increase in online dating—21 percent of the respondents met the last person they dated online—and flirting on social media sites has a lot to do with this stat. She says all of the e-interaction makes people feel like they already know someone by the time they get to the actual first date so it’s not the same as a one-night stand or first-date hookup.

“It’s almost as if by the time they’ve had the first physical date, it might have been the equivalent of three dates,” she says. “I think this online sharing has definitely escalated some of this familiarity and quickness in which people get into sexual scenarios.”

Nearly a quarter of respondents said they typically have sex after one, two or three dates; 25 percent said “when the other person is ready,” and 19 percent said “when we agree to an exclusive relationship.” Another 13 percent said “when we are married.”

Overall, 58 percent of singles have had a one-night stand—65 percent of men and 51 percent of women—so giving it up early is definitely becoming a lot less taboo.

Are you down for sex on the first date or do you usually make him wait?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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There comes a point in every romantic journey when it may be time to make some serious decisions. Decisions about whether you’re ready to get serious and settle down, or whether or not you need to move on to someone new after feeling like a relationship has run its course. You may have realized that the woman you once were is not the woman you are today. No matter where you are in your relationship pathway, the question of time always comes into play. How many dates do you go on before you realize there is no chemistry? How many chances do you give someone until you feel a spark? How long do you wait for your dream guy until you settle for someone else? When it comes to matters of the heart, timing really is everything.

Black women have been given a bad name when it comes to anything involving marriage and relationships. Depending on what you read you will get a different answer concerning this topic. One source may tell you to be open to dating outside your race because it’s statistically impossible to find a black man in this day and age. And Steve Harvey, the self-proclaimed know-it-all about black women and dating, might tell you something entirely different altogether. We’ve been accused of having unrealistically high standards, but what exactly constitutes a high standard? Are your standards too high if you want someone who is financially secure, emotionally available and stable? I say no.

However, the reality of the situation is that it’s getting harder and harder for black women to find their match among black men. So how long do you wait for love the old-fashioned way until you take it into your own hands? How long do you hold out and wait for Mr. Right? Two months? Six months? One year? It may come to a point when it’s time to take love by the reigns. This particular subject is definitely difficult for me. I like to consider myself traditional in many ways. In a perfect world, I would like to think that my dream man will find me in the most unexpected but romantic way and we can start a beautiful life together. This requires no initial work on my part. But in this day and age, I may have to join Match.com and find him there. Or I may have to attend a mixer when I would rather be relaxing and run into him that way. Basically, like many women today, I may need to tap into my dating resources to find someone for me.

It may not be as easy as bumping into Mr. Sweepmeoffmyfeet while I am out with my girls, à la black romantic comedy style. Finding love takes work and time.  Of course there are relationships that are the classic rendition of boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl fall in love. But with statistics looking as high as they do, maybe we should stop sitting back and waiting and start having control over who we allow in our lives and how we love. Nothing works for every woman, but at least you can say that you tried something new.

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It may be a tossup between Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve in terms of which holiday makes singles feel the loneliest—better yet, the most desperate.

Much like the way shoppers went online at the last minute to find Christmas gifts they could have shipped overnight, single desperados are logging online to make their dream of having someone to kiss at midnight Dec. 31 a reality.

Plentyoffish.com says it sees a 15% jump in signups for its free dating site this time of year, plus a 20% spike in activity from current users, “many of whom are looking for a date for New Year’s Eve,” rep Shannon Smith told NY Daily News.

Relationship expert Whitney Casey of Match.com says the time between Dec. 26 and Feb. 14 is hardcore mating season for the site’s users.

“New Year’s Eve is such a big deal because it’s a new beginning. If you’ve had a bad time dating last year, there’s just so much optimism in the air for the new one.”

That I completely understand, but its women like Heather Paul who make me a little nervous about this trend. She told the NY Daily News she found someone on ILoveYourAccent.com, a social network for American and British singles but says,“I do not care if we click, because I will keep him around until Jan. 1 so I will have someone to ring in the new year with.”

Is it that serious? I know a kiss at midnight is supposed to signify luck in love for the next 365 days, but what kind of precedent does starting off the year in desperation set? Besides, at this point, you’ve only got about five days to really feel someone out (basically see if they’re crazy or not) and that’s not a lot of time to be out with a stranger on one of the wildest nights of the year, all for the sake of not being alone. Guess what? On Jan. 2, you’ll most likely be single. Is the charade really worth it for one night?

I figure if you can make it through Christmas solo with the family asking you ever other second why you’re not married and don’t have any kids, New Year’s Eve ought to be a breeze. It’s a time to party and hang out with your closest friends, and an excuse to be flirty with someone you had a crush on but didn’t have the guts to tell in the past year. I’d much rather be kissing that guy at midnight (or no one at all) then someone I randomly picked out online to save face. But we know how holidays have a knack for making single girls feel bad about themselves for 24 hours when they otherwise wouldn’t really care.

Are you stressing over snagging a kiss at midnight for New Year’s Eve? Have you given online dating a try to bag an end-of-the-year date?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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Last year I wrote a post on my personal blog called dating for marriage or martinis about how one of my friends always encourages me to go out with guys I’m not really interested in for the sake of free food and drinks. For me, the tradeoff never seemed worth it. I’d rather come out of my own pocket and enjoy my own company than sit across from a man I have no desire to be with as he tries to impress me for two to three hours.

The first time I tried that, I ended up having to go dutch with this fool who started freestlying at the table while we ate. (It was truly like the scene in “Daddy’s Little Girls.”) The second time I called up a man I knew would foot the bill but I ended up feeling guilty the entire night for killing this man’s budget on cocktails when I was only there because the person I was originally supposed to go out with stood me up.

The Business Insider recently ran a story on a woman struggling to make ends meet in NYC on a $45k salary who started dating men on match.com for free meals.  Minerva McGonagall (name changed to protect the dishonest) ate out five nights a week with men she met on the site, sticking to one golden rule—no more than five dates with the same guy. By the Insider’s calculations, she racked up more than $1,200 a  month in free food—going from spending $500 a month on dinners alone to having someone else drop an average of $60-plus per night on the golddigger outreach program they unknowingly were participating in. That amount more than covered the cost of her $50/month membership fee to the site.

When Minerva’s roommate got in on the idea, the two got professional with their approach. They made spreadsheets with names, photos, and profile details of each guy who took them out for drinks and/or dinner and set two ground rules: they would always let each other know where they were going for the night and never let guys pick them up at their apartment.

The backlash to the Insider’s story was so strong that the site had to disable comments and conceal the woman’s identity (her real name is Jessica Sporty). Jessica/Minerva eventually gave up her online dating hustle saying it was “exhausting”—which I’m sure is the only reason she came forward with her story, in addition to the fact that she got a boyfriend (he better watch out). Many commenters called Jessica’s behavior unethical because she misled the people on the site into thinking she was into them when she wasn’t, and I have to agree.

I don’t want to knock her hustle because, honestly, it’s a pretty good one. But the fact that Jessica was so calculating definitely crosses the line between going out with Andre because he asked you out and at least you’ll get a free meal out of it, and telling Sean you can’t go out with him because you’ve already gone out five times and he might actually want more when all you want is free food.

I also have an issue with the fact that this girl couldn’t survive in NYC on a $45K. Yes, New York is an expensive city, but I managed to survive on $30K with my own place when I got my first job here. Jessica couldn’t survive because she was paying $1,475 a month for an apartment in Murray Hill and she had a mountain of credit card debt. Plus who spends $500/month on dinner. Cook much? What this girl really needed to do was downgrade instead of golddig to get the extra $500-1,000 a month she said she needed “to survive.”

As for the rest of us who aren’t trying to live off of someone else’s earnings, it can be tempting to be wined and dined by a suitor you can’t really see yourself with just for the sake of visiting that sushi bar you really wanted to check out, or taking a break from takeout and I think that’s OK. But when it gets to the point that you’re supplementing your income by dating men, well, I think you have to call a spade a spade.

What do you think about Jessica’s online dating hustle? Have you ever gone out with men just for the perks like free food and drinks?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

It seems by now almost everyone has dabbled in online dating. After all, with social networking at an all time high, it’s one of the fastest, easiest and most recession proof ways to meet someone nowadays. If you’re disengaged from the club scene, tired of trying to get your flirt on at the gym and not running into Mr. Right in the produce section of your local market, then online dating may be for you.

But there ARE some guidelines to consider when looking to get virtually booed up, so here are some tips to online dating…

Read the rest of this entry »

In an exclusive interview with Essence.com, actress Essence Atkins, who I can’t believe is 39 now, discusses her pregnancy and recently celebrating her two-year anniversary with husband Jaime Mendez, who—shocker—she met on match.com. She says:

“I put myself in the frame of mind where I wasn’t going to waste any more time. I met my husband at 36; a lot of people have questioned it like, ‘she’s so desperate.’ I didn’t want to waste any more time. After 35, I felt like I’d been in these relationships, some were great, some weren’t so great, but they weren’t right partnerships. So I did this inventory, I’m not going to just settle for anyone, and at this point I don’t have anymore time to waste if I wanted to have children.

“I started realizing that when I went out on dates, that if this person wasn’t partner potential, to just stop at two dates, or a date. What online dating did was offer me the opportunity to go out with a bunch of different people from different industries, I really didn’t want to limit myself with people who are in the entertainment industry. I wanted to date outside of the business but I didn’t have a network outside of the industry in L.A. I felt like going through the online system, it gave me permission to go out with someone once or twice and say, ‘you know it was really nice meeting you but I don’t feel any romantic chemistry,’ and everyone just kind of accepts that as ‘OK, thank you.’”

I really appreciate Essence opening up about online dating which is still seen as a bit taboo in some respects. Nothing irks me more than when I tell someone I’m single and they ask, “well have you tried that eHarmony or Match.com,” to which I reply, “No. I’m not that desperate, yet.”

I don’t know what it is about online dating, but I just haven’t gotten used to the concept—kind of like my mother being on Facebook. I guess I still prefer to meet a man the old-fashioned way, or perhaps online dating feels like an admission that you can’t meet anyone in person. It also sort of kills the opportunity for a cute “how did you meet” story. But if you told me Idris Elba was going to start looking for a wife online, I’d be the first one signing up for an unlimited subscription.

What do you think about Essence opening up on finding her husband online? Have you had any success with Internet dating sites?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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Have you ever been asked out by a male companion expecting it to go supremely well, when it fact it turned into an utter and complete disaster? Scores of women and men would agree that they’ve had their share of bad first date’s – and lived to tell about it.

Here are some first date don’ts to follow to save yourself and your date from a bad experience:

Read the rest of this entry »