All Articles Tagged "making the first move"
With Valentine’s Day love still lingering in the air, you may be getting a little antsy if you don’t have a boyfriend, or at least somebody to go out with from time to time. For some reason, V-Day fuels the pressure some people feel to be coupled up, and they’ll go to extreme measures not to spend that day, let alone the entire weekend, solo. So, if you’re one of those women who absolutely MUST find a date, consider the possibility that you may have to take matters into your own hands and approach that guy you’ve had your eye on for some time now. After all, what do you have to lose? Just point him out to Cupid so he can bust an arrow in his behind and it’s all good right? If only it were that easy. Approaching a guy doesn’t have to be daunting, and if you’re a confident, hot woman it’s no sweat off your back. But, if you’ve never approached a guy before and want to give it a try, make sure you don’t make these mistakes when you want to make your intentions known.
Recently, I joined a group of matchmakers and dating coaches for happy hour. We all introduced ourselves and talked about our specialty areas. I told them about my books, including my latest one, How To Find Mr. Right Online. Eventually, one of the women approached me and asked me a question I’ve been asked many times before by singles and experts:
“Do you think women should email men when online dating?” Without hesitation, I told her “Yes!” Not only is it okay to email men when dating online, it’s a useful tactic. Here’s why:
1. Women are often the initiators. I know — you’ve heard a hundred times that men should make the first move. But research has shown that in social and courtship interactions, women — not men — are often the initiators. Women do this subtly by making eye contact or smiling at men or they do it more boldly by starting a conversation. In other words, if you want a man to make his move, you must give him the green light to do so. Emailing a man gives him the green light.
Read more at YourTango
There are a lot of dating advice columnists who will tell you that women should never approach men. They’ll tell you that it’s the man’s job to pursue the woman and when a woman tries to pursue a man, she comes across desperate or loose. To be honest, that’s not true and it’s awfully bad advice.
You can add those pieces of advice to the pile of all the other heap of crap men have been saying that’s inconsistent and doesn’t make much sense. Let’s take a look at this for a quick second; you tell women to take initiative, go out and get what they want, don’t sit back and wait for a man to do everything, but the one thing you can never do is approach a man? It doesn’t make much sense at all, does it?
In order for women to approach men and be successful they should try thinking about the approach like a salesman. It’s similar to how men assess situations, but I’m not telling women to think like a man, I’m merely borrowing the structure to help you form a plan.
Effectively find a situation in which you can be in a power position or at least a level playing field. When men go out looking for women to approach, they tend to go to places where they know they can dominate. You don’t want to be outshined. Here’s where a lot of women make their first mistake, they go to places where men hang out in order to pursue women. That’s a home game for the man, that’s a hard road win for women. Where are women more likely to be able to approach men and get the upper position or a level playing field? Places where men really don’t have any stronghold over the circumstance. For example, what about a retail store? If there’s a guy who catches your eye in a department store, that’s a great place to approach a man and spark a conversation. Men appreciate your opinion and often times shop out of necessity without really knowing if it’s stylish or not.
Timing is very important. Men always pay attention to the timing when approaching a woman. Did she just arrive? Is she about to leave? If I approach her now, how long will the conversation have to be? (This is to reduce the chances of saying too much or making a mistake.) You’ll want to make sure that you’re going to have enough time to spark a conversation and leave an impression, but not so much that the conversation becomes dull and boring.
The Level of Effort
Men approach women like football teams, they’ll keep pushing until they score or win the championship. Women can’t do this; that’s not going to work for her because it’s not going to seem genuine for a man. I describe the woman’s level of effort in any relationship as the carrot and horse approach or “feeding him the cake.” When you’re attempting to feed someone a piece of cake you have to let them know that you want them to have it, but you must require that they do the effort of coming to get it. Envision yourself as the cake, put yourself in a position in which he begins to crave you, but hold back just enough to make him do the work needed to have you.
The Contingency Plan
Always have a contingency plan if things don’t go as planned. What does this mean? Think about it this way, most men don’t risk it all on one toss. They typically always have a fall back plan if the approach doesn’t work. When you first think about approaching a guy, identify the men in the room you know that you can already get to come to you, even if he’s a man from your past. This will give you a contingency if the guy you’ve spotted doesn’t show any interest.
The Support Group
It helps if you are with a “wingwoman” or a group of friends. Having a support group to help you deal with rejection is essential. You’re not going to succeed every time you approach a man. Typically, it takes a lot of attempts to find one that works. From my observations, some women tend to try something once, experience failure and then completely write it off as a bad idea going forward. That’s not going to work here. (It really shouldn’t ever be the way to go.) You’ll try and fail, try and fail, try and win a little, eventually fail, but what will really hold you down will be your support group.
Figure out what really matters in a person’s life. You know what guys do? They know that women like to feel like we’re interested in what they have to say. Here’s the tip that you need, laugh at his jokes. That’s your best pickup line. That’s how you approach men. If you’re a bystander of a conversation and you chuckle at one of his jokes, he’ll immediately think of you as a potential partner. Sense of humor is high on most men’s list.
I hope that this post inspires women to feel more empowered to approach men. There’s a ton of advice out there, but most of it all breaks down to traditional approaches that don’t work anymore in 2012. I’m interested to hear your thoughts and stories. Please show some love in the comments.
Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated. Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.
More on Madame Noire!
- Make It Last Forever…Not! Why Couldn’t These Couples Make It Work?
- No He Didn’t! That Time My Friend Got Dumped Over Something Extra Stupid
- WANTED! Stars We Haven’t Seen In A Minute!
- Do You Have Bad Relationship Karma? Here’s How to Shake it…
- Predicting The Future: How To Tell What Your Man Will Be Like in 10 Years
- Where Are They Now? 8 Sassy And Silly Sidekicks From Some Of Our Favorite Black Sitcoms
- Did You Know They Dated (Part IV)? 14 Celeb Couples We Were VERY Surprised By
“He never calls!” Jeanette mournfully tells her friends. She and Rick have been dating for over month now. They have a great time when they’re out together, and he recently spent the weekend at her apartment.The trouble with Rick is that he is hard to read. He tells Jeanette how gorgeous she is and how much fun she is to be around, especially in bed, but then he rarely calls or texts her. She knows how busy Rick is with work and doesn’t want to seem needy, but she’s confused about where this is going … or if it’s going anywhere. Jeanette’s friends understand exactly where she’s coming from because they’ve been there too. They advise her to just be patient and see what Rick does next.
Read more at YourTango
More on Madame Noire!
- Bison Brothers: 10 Notable Men Who Attended Howard University
- When Cutting The “No Good” Men Out Of Your Life Includes Your Own Father
- Down With The Brown? Celebrities Who Look Black…But Aren’t
- Is That Just The Way She Is? Keeping Standards High and Expectations Real With Your Friendships
- The Thirst Files: How He Dickmatized Her
- Ratch On Ratch On Ratch: 7 Moments You Had To See From Part 1 Of The Love & Hip-Hop Reunion
- Heyello! 11 Bahamian Celebrities We Love And Per The Usual, A Few Surprises…
I’ve heard that if you want to get misguided information about men, take all of your advice from other women. We’ve all heard women, young and old, offer their interpretations of male behavior. Many of us have even conjured up our own hypotheses as to why they cheat, how much they don’t listen, and why they lack emotions. Although some of our information has come from our observations or witnessing shady men at inappropriate times, most of our advice about men comes from the rantings of other women.
Through experience with a variety of men, other women can definitely offer advice and do’s and don’ts when it comes to men; but, what better way to gain insight on men than by asking other men? Some of our interpretations are just as accurate as we assumed them to be; but others, not so much.
Here are 8 myths that most women either believe or have heard about men. Consider these eight men myths debunked by the men themselves.