Is This Petty? I Have To Make All The First Moves For Us To Hang Out

September 1, 2017  |  

In today’s dating scene, if women are interested in a guy, it’s encouraged that they don’t sit back and wait for him to do all of the work. Instead, we’re often told to put on our big girl panties and go after what we want, make the first move. I’m not against that. But does it mean anything if you make the first move, the second, the third, and so on and so forth when trying to get to know a guy you’re interested in?

making first move


What it means to moi is that he’s not interested.

I was thinking this after hanging out with a guy friend for his birthday last night and watching a woman who seemed to be interested in him going out of her way to help make his birthday special. For the record, he said he’d never met her before. That, however, didn’t stop her from trying to make a move.

She paid for a slice of cake from a restaurant across the street from the bar we were at with a candle to help him celebrate. She literally came out of nowhere to do this, popping up by our group to drop off the cake and even lighting it for us to sing. It was clear that she was into him, even going as far as to tell him where he could find her sitting with her own friends in the place to chat later.

He accepted the cake, said thank you, ate it, enjoyed it, but that was about it. When a girl in our group told him, “You should get her number!” he asked “Why?” Her response was, “Because she seems into you. Plus, she’s cute.” His response?
“Aw ok. I’ll get her number just for you,” said with a laugh and all of the sarcasm you can imagine. To put salt in the wound, as he went to the bar to say goodbye to everyone, including that eager, but sweet woman, he didn’t ask for her number. Instead, he took the number of another woman seated at the bar near homegirl who had a charming British accent. Had the woman we were rooting for had a chance, she would have had to ask for his number, contact him first and likely set up some sort of meeting before my friend finally gave her the “thanks, but no thanks” impression. But she’s already done enough. Her efforts, while appreciated for ego purposes by him, went nowhere.

And that’s just the type of stuff that turns women off from even trying. But if you ask me, you shouldn’t not throw your hat in the ring. But if you’re going to do so, it’s a matter of knowing when you’ve done enough and not only that, when you should even make an attempt in the first place.

When I was out here trying to be a fake Carrie Bradshaw in NYC, there were times where I’d ask for a guy’s number at a mixer and hit him up later with the “It was great meeting you! How is your day going?” message. If I felt like he wasn’t nearly as excited to talk (as in, I’m creating all of the conversation) or he wouldn’t try and further things by inquiring about meeting up, I would politely go about my business. I wouldn’t bash him, but I wouldn’t continue to contact him and wind up feeling like I’m being more of a nuisance to him than an individual he was genuinely interested in. Whether you’re talking through the phone or through text, you can tell pretty quickly when someone’s being short and just not really into it.

And it’s important to take notice of that quickly. As author Rori Raye put it, the last thing you want to do is end up a “rower.” What that means is you’re rowing the boat while the guy you’re intrigued by and doing all the work for is cruising.

“Contrary to what you may think, a man can’t fall in love with you if you’re doing all the giving,” Raye wrote. “A man is a competitive creature who needs to invest in you and make an effort for you so that he feels he has ‘won’ you.  And if you’re doing all the giving, you’re thwarting his natural drive to chase you.  Not only that, but your need to do things for him and move the relationship forward will translate into a needy vibe that is just not attractive to him.”

On the quest to find our match, we’re all going to drop the ball occasionally. With that being said, it’s important not to let yourself be the ball being dropped all the time. Therefore, you have to pick and choose wisely who you will take things further with. Just because someone is cute or intelligent or has a similar interest in something or even just looks in your direction doesn’t mean they’re always the right person to shoot your shot with. While there’s nothing wrong with being the one to make the first move, you have to discern who you’re really vibing with and who you just think would be fun to vibe with. When you figure that out, it will be easier for you to know when to play your cards with these men and when to hold them. But when you’re constantly putting yourself out there in the hopes of finding something that will stick and then being consistently disappointed trying to figure out “What is wrong with these men?” they’re not playing you. You’re playing yourself…

But per the usual, that’s just my opinion. What say you? Is it petty to be bothered about having to make the first moves or should we stop sitting back and waiting for others to do it? 

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