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Continued from #RelationshipGoals: It’s Hard To Forgive Someone You’ve Just Started Dating

Kevin and I had a way of arguing that was an art form. His constant need to bicker made me feel like our relationship might not be worth the trouble. Arguing in relationships is tough because it’s going to happen, but if it’s way too frequent, you’re left questioning the relationship’s value. That’s exactly what happened with me and Kevin.

“Will you be my date to my friend’s wedding next weekend?” I asked, watching Kevin get dressed.

He raised an eyebrow, “I can do that.”

I smiled ear-to-ear, happy that I finally had a date to take to a wedding.

Kevin and I had been having a smoother time communicating than we had in the past. OK, who am I kidding–we just both started picking our battles with more discretion. Actually, I started shutting my mouth more. Not everything needed to be discussed.

The night that he chose not to introduce me to his little gal pal, he walked me home, took me to my bedroom and temporarily silenced my temper with his pelvic thrusts. It wasn’t enough, but I pretended that it was so that we could be good. I found myself doing that more often than not. I just wanted us to be good. Why put more bumps in the road over him not introducing me to the girl he ran into?

“Do you want me to come here to meet you and we go together?” Kevin asked.

In my mind, I thought, “Why can’t we go to your place?” But instead, I said, “Sure. We should be there by 8. So you should be here by 7.”

Kevin and I had been together (the second time around) for about three months. He’d never once invited me to his place. He never even brought it up. And when I would, he’d change the subject. And because I didn’t want to be a nag, I dropped it. “He’ll invite me in his own time,” I thought.

The day of the wedding came and excitedly, I got dressed, knowing I would be spending my evening surrounded by love and warm fuzzies. Too bad that’s not what happened.

Kevin showed up to my apartment at 8 pm, the time we were supposed to be there. Instead of being irritated, I made a joke about his lateness.

“I’ll call an Uber,” I said after kissing Kevin and snuggling into his chest, choosing not to be negative about his arrival time.

Kevin hated when I did anything that “wasted money.” He made a face.

“We’re late,” I said more to Kevin’s screwed up face than to him. Besides, I was paying for it and he didn’t even offer. Maybe because it was my friend’s wedding, he opted out of opening his wallet for anything. Usually, this is something that rubs me the wrong way in relationships. But Kevin and I had chemistry that was kismet. I wanted to hold tight until that chemistry blossomed into the kind of love I wanted — long-term.

The first time that Kevin and I dated two years ago, he had just lost his job, so our dating was limited. I tried to be understanding and I also didn’t want him to feel less-than, so I kept encouraging him (and paying for our dates).

Two years later, we’re back together and it’s the same story. Kevin’s pockets were never a part of the equation. Lunch was on me, dinner was at my house, with my groceries, and breakfast was whatever I could scrounge up in my kitchen because I refused to continue to spend money when he never offered. Again, I was trying to be understanding and not tear him down, but I was growing a little weary of everything always being on me.

Somehow, I’d given Uber the wrong address and we pulled up to a warehouse. “This doesn’t look right,” I said. I checked the address on my invite again where Kevin and I were standing. “Ugh, the address is Wykoff and we’re on Wythe!” I started to hail a cab.

Kevin shook his head, “Another cab?”

“Yes, we’re late and we’re in the wrong place,” I said hailing the cab.

Kevin sighed, “We are not going to get a cab here,” Kevin said walking away from me standing there with my arm up.

As a cab pulled up, I walked to it.

Kevin turned towards where I was about to hop into the cab and yelled, “Why won’t you listen to me?!”

I stopped short of the cab, turned towards him and reluctantly walked to him. (This was something I loved doing—walking to him, but not this time.) I sighed. “What’s the big deal? You said we wouldn’t catch a cab here, and there’s one and now it’s gone.”

“You second guess what I say and do whatever suits you,” Kevin said as if I knew about the argument we were in middle of, in his head.

Without responding, I walked behind him and let him lead me to the promised land of hailing a cab…his way. I just didn’t have the energy to respond.

It took us five minutes to hail a cab and inside of my head was nothing but snark, “We could have been in the cab I hailed on the street over.” I frowned and looked out the window. We sat in complete silence.

I think Kevin started to feel the tension because he gripped my thigh and squeezed it. I turned my face toward him and mustered up a smile that was somewhere between fake and satisfied that he broke the silence.

Kevin kissed me. Instead of voicing our frustrations about the cab drama, we both let it go. We arrived at the wedding reception and upon walking in, we were asked to snap some photos in the photo booth. I love a good photo booth, so I smiled and walked over to the booth, pulling Kevin. Kevin’s grasp felt heavy in mine as I pulled him towards the booth.

“No,” he said wriggling his hand out of mine. “I don’t want to take any pictures.”

“It’s a wedding! And my friend is a photographer. Come on, it’s only right!” I smiled.

Kevin’s face was straight, just like the emoiji, “I said no.”

The photo booth guy tried not to look at us in our mini melodrama. He smiled awkwardly.

“Please?” I asked, smiling at Kevin.

“See, you’re not listening. I said no. You always insist when it’s not the answer you want!” Kevin said, not breaking his gaze.

I walked to the booth, “You’re right. You always are.” I snapped a couple of photos and Kevin waited, looking on, annoyed.

We walked into the wedding with tension surrounding us. My friends happily greeted me, excited that they were getting to meet the infamous Kevin, who I couldn’t stop talking about. At that moment, I didn’t want to be anywhere near him.

I fake smiled, introducing him to people. As he made small talk, I loosened up, allowing myself to enjoy this pleasurable break in his fragile personality.

As we stood at a table, stuffing our faces with hors d’oeuvres, he grabbed my hand and lead me to the dance floor. “Let’s shake it off,” he smiled.

We danced for a few songs and I said, “I’m thirsty. You want a drink?”

“Yeah, get me a coke,” Kevin went to sit down.

I went to the bar, ordered a coke and considered a rum and coke for myself. Kevin broke our tension with dancing, would having a cocktail bring the tension back? Ugh, who cares, I’m at a wedding. “Rum and coke, please? Oh and could you put a lime in the rum and coke so I don’t mix them up?”

The bartender handed me the drinks as I requested and I started to walk towards Kevin. I looked down at the lime, took it out of the cup and handed Kevin the one without the rum. I sipped my drink. It was regular coke. My heart sank. I tried to sneak a cocktail and now Kevin was about to sip my rum and coke.

“Wait babe,” I said grabbing the cup before he sipped. “That’s mine.”

Kevin looked at me confused, “What’s the difference?”

“Mine has rum in it,” I grabbed the cup and sipped. “Yup. Sorry about that.”

Kevin frowned, but surprisingly didn’t argue.

The DJ announced that the wedding party had arrived. I stood up from the couch, asking Kevin to come with me so that we could get a good view of the wedding party.

“No, I’m good here. You go, enjoy,” He said, sitting the coke down without drinking it.

“I want to enjoy with you,” I said smiling, flirting. I grabbed his hand.

My friend Lauren walked up, “You guys aren’t coming?”

“Yeah I am. Kevin doesn’t want to,” I said, dropping his hand.

Kevin looked up at me with his mouth twisted, “Really?” He exclaimed more than he questioned.

“What? You said you don’t want to come!” I said, defending my response to Lauren.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Kevin walked away.

Kevin had a bad habit of walking away from me when he didn’t want to deal with whatever we were going through. I’d grown accustomed to his temper tantrums.

“What was that about?” Lauren asked, genuinely confused.

“I am starting to think that we don’t need to be together, that’s what,” I said as the newlyweds danced their way into the room to Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love.”

The beautiful couple danced to their first song, “Cheerleader” by Omi and gave speeches. Kevin was still not back from the bathroom.

“Where’s Kevin?” Lauren asked.

“Girl, knowing him, he probably left,” I said joking, but mostly serious.

I turned around, searching for him. I spotted Kevin walking out. “There he is,” I said to Lauren. “I’ll be right back,” I walked to the door Kevin had just walked out of with my heart pounding.

Stay tuned next week to find out what happened when I Kevin tried to leave me at a wedding.

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If there’s one thing I inherited from my father, and there are plenty, it’s my argumentative nature. I cannot shirk away from debate. Whether it’s light and playful or it’s something I believe strongly in my core and your opposing stance will make me look at you differently…forever, I have to speak my piece. I can’t really explain what this is about in its entirety. I know it has a lot to do with my desire to be right. But there’s also this piece about wanting the people I value and myself to be on the same page. Like, if we don’t agree on what I consider to be fundamental or moral truths, what does that say about our relationship? Are we as tight as we thought we were?

This holiday season, I had an extended break with my parents due to Snowpocalypse, or the Polar Vortex or whatever. Now this wasn’t a problem. I like and love my parents so it was no thang… until we disagreed. We were watching the movie Crash and we had just come to the part where Thandie Newton’s character gets felt up–straight molested– in front of her husband, by Matt Dillon, who plays a police officer. In case you haven’t seen the movie in a while and don’t remember the scene, here it is, in this video.

During the whole thing my parents, mainly my father, are providing commentary.

“This was her fault. If she had of just kept her mouth shut and stayed in the car like he told her none of this would have happened.”

 “She put her husband’s life in jeopardy.”

“How could she not know the history of black men and the police, especially the LAPD?”

And the one that really put the nail in the coffin: “I don’t empathize with her at all.”

I was literally disgusted but mostly disappointed. I mean, it was her fault…really?! It all sounded too much like the woman who brought rape upon herself by wearing a short skirt. And even if she did bring it upon herself– which she didn’t– how does that warrant you not feeling sorry for her? I couldn’t understand them. I have always considered my parents to be pretty progressive but all of this just seemed so backwards.

I said a bit of this–not the backwards part– but I argued that it wasn’t her fault. And I tried to let it go. I really tried. But I couldn’t. It was like something was gnawing at my head, heart and stomach. And I had to make them understand that they were being unfair, cruel even. I might have been able to make it through the movie but then there’s the scene, later in the film, where Terrence Howard has his own encounter with the cops. And he says things that are far worse than anything Thandie said. And my father, instead of chastising him, empathized with him for taking the “Malcolm X” approach. And even more surprisingly, my mom was agreeing to all this. Cosigning. What was going on?!?

I was about to burst.

The issue was bigger than just this movie for several reasons. It’s racism, sexism and personal experience all wrapped up into one. You see, maybe six or seven years ago, I watched my sister be unfairly harassed– not sexually– by the cops. She was 20 years old and tried to make a fake ID to get into a club. She used paper to cover the info on her real driver’s license. When that didn’t work and the bouncer was going to confiscate it, she said she needed it back. Her real ID was under there. Naturally, he didn’t care. We should have left then but she kept trying to explain to him that she needed her ID back because she needed to drive back to school.  The bouncer wasn’t having any of it and called the cops. We had walked away from the club by the time they arrived but the bouncer pointed our group out to be police officers. The cops approached my sister, she still tried to explain why she needed her ID back and when they weren’t understanding she screamed– at no one in particular– in frustration. Well, that did it. They immediately put her in hand cuffs and she spent the night in jail. They made up some bogus charge about her being publicly intoxicated to rationalize keeping her in there.

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These bad habits, whether you do them consciously or not, could be slowly ruining your relationship. Are you guilty of any?

Everybody knows the key to a successful relationship is cooperation. But new research from the University of Arizona’s John and Doris Norton School of Family and Consumer Sciences sheds light on how exactly cooperation works for couples–and whether just cooperating is enough.

Researchers studied 44 heterosexual couples, videotaping them discussing their diet and exercise regimens. The couples then watched the footage of themselves and rated how they were feeling emotionally during different points of the conversation. What post-doctoral research fellow Ashley Randall and her colleagues found showed a big difference between the sexes.

Men typically exhibited “inphase” reactions to their partners’ feelings, meaning if she were feeling down, he would, too, or if she were feeling happy, his feelings would also reflect that. Though earlier literature indicates women cooperate more, Randall’s study found women were more likely to display “antiphase” reactions to their partner’s emotions, meaning they would feel the opposite of what a partner felt.

Why the difference? It seems men’s desire to avoid conflict with romantic partners leads them to  mirror her emotions in order to stop a fight or solve the problem faster. Women in turn pick up on that reluctance and react less positively. “If you think about a couple that is trying to cooperate with one another,” explained Randall, “the man might go along and say, ‘oh sure, honey, this is great, are we almost done?’ whereas the women might say, ‘I’m so glad that you’re happy, but I just want to talk about this one other thing because I think we’re really getting at a resolution.'”

Do you think this is true of your man?

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When writing about relationships, it’s important to keep in mind a great deal of advice depends on the situation of the people involved. Given the unique nature of individual relationships, it’s often difficult to find a “one size fits all” answer. With that in mind, there are situations which can possibly be considered universal “no-no’s.” The question posed in the title is one of them. Ladies, would you like to know how you handle arguments with your man in public? Here’s a simple solution.

Don’t ever argue with your man in public.

Ever.

I can hear the peanut gallery starting up right now: “What do you mean don’t ever argue with a man in public? Ain’t I a woman? Don’t I have rights? This isn’t the damn 1950s, if I got a problem with my man I need to address it as soon as it happens so he doesn’t think he can run over me, right?” The answers to the aforementioned questions being, “I meant what I said. Yes. Yes. No, you don’t.”

Unless you’re arguing for the sake of arguing you never want to start an argument with anyone, let alone a man, in public. It’s counterproductive, unbelievably tacky, and it’s akin to running on a treadmill. Yeah, you’re getting a good run (of the mouth) but in effect, you’re going nowhere. Fast.

Growing up, my mother taught me there was a time and place for everything. As an adult, I’ve learned certain places are better matches for certain types of activity. I need peace and quiet to study, so instead of heading to the nearest Starbucks when I needed to learn something, I went to the library. In order for me to optimize my workouts, I need to go to the gym. The gym provides all the appropriate tools in order for me to effectively exercise. Sure, I can make up my own routine in my house, but the chances of me succeeding in doing so are significantly higher if I’m in a place conducive to such activities.

Ladies, arguing with your man in public is not conducive to anything other than ill feelings and the brewing of bad blood. If there is a private matter you need to discuss with your mate, you need to keep that matter private. In case you’re unaware of what constitutes a private matter, that means ANYTHING you need to discuss with only your mate needs to stay between the two of you. I’m assuming the purpose of an argument is to come to some sort of conclusion or compromise which will satisfy both parties. It’s going to be a difficult task if you start the journey by humiliating the other party in the argument by blasting all of their personal business to strangers. It’s not that it’s an impossible situation to come back from, but instead of addressing the issue you felt was so urgent at the time, you’ve simply made the mountain that much more difficult to climb.

Ladies, put yourself in the shoes of a man. You’re at the grocery store and decided to have him tag along. During the trip, you’ve done something to offend his sensibilities and before you guys have even gotten a chance to discuss the issue, he’s already making a scene. You notice more and more people are looking in your direction as he angrily raises his voice and lambastes you in front of everyone. Now ask yourself, do you really want to work that problem out now? Wouldn’t you have respected him more if he’d have simply waited a few minutes to get to a spot where the both of you could’ve talked? Are you even able to focus on the issues he’s brought to you, or are you so shocked at what he did the only thing you feel is anger and resentment for how he made you look? Nobody deserves to be embarrassed in that manner. Man or woman.

Ladies, please don’t argue with your man in public. It’s a purposeless endeavor which will only prevent you from getting what I’m assuming you want. You want a man to address your needs, your wants, and hear you out when you have a problem, right? In order for that to happen, I think it’s best for you to present them in a manner which wouldn’t immediately put him in self-defense mode. Public arguments only provide entertainment to the people watching and humiliation to the people involved. Do the right thing, keep your private matters, private.

Peace.

For more on RealGoesRight’s opinions on men and women, be sure to check him out with the all-star collective of black men writers over on SingleBlackMale.Org. If you prefer something a bit more direct, feel free to follow him on Twitter at @RealGoesRight and subscribe to his blog at RealGoesRight.Com.

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Every couple does it …and I’m not talking about sex, I’m referring to arguing, bickering, quarreling or whatever you’d like to call it. All normal couples fight–be it about jealousy, differences, anxieties, money, sex, work, forgetfulness, children or housework, everyone’s doing it.

There’s nothing wrong with a bit of disagreement. In fact, it can put things into perspective, it can reveal truth, and it can provide understanding about exactly where you and your partner stand in your relationship. However, it’s when you aren’t able to stop fighting that you should be concerned. When arguments become ongoing, trouble seems to brew just as things seem to finally settle, or light bickering becomes biting remarks, then you need to consider what’s happening beneath the surface of all that back-and-forth.

Depending solely on your situation and the level of growing animosity between the two of you, this fighting can mean a number of things –though probably not anything good. While the reasons why couples fight have already been indicated, the underlying explanation for why couples perpetually fight hasn’t been. The roots of these fights can be as basic as one person always made to feel wrong, made to feel inadequate, not feeling valued or appreciated, not properly healing from a previous relationship, the relationship not being made a priority, or issues with commitment. But because of insecurities and a shared inability to be honest, couples tend to argue about everything except the actual issue. When you and your significant other find that you’re in the same argument over and over again, there’s a strong possibility that either someone feels that they aren’t being heard or something important isn’t being said.

So, if you’re afraid that you’re in a crumbling relationship that’s ruled by anxiety and confrontation, there are a few things you can do to assess the situation, and the first thing you can do is sit down and sort out the facts. Divide fact from fiction, worries from realities, and write down the last few arguments that you’ve had, what sparked those conversations, what ended those arguments …if those arguments ended, what escalated the arguments, how disputes are usually resolved, what the patterns are, and if there is something that you want to convey to your significant other that you’re not able to say. You can easily ask your significant other to do the same, hoping that if they are as committed to the relationship as you are, they won’t take issue with putting aside time to understand the complications in your relationship. The aim is to be as honest as possible when examining the rifts in your relationship, and eventually have a candid discussion about the conclusions that you’ve come to. Remember, when you’re sharing your thoughts and feelings, try not to sound accusatory, and be sure that you’re both being heard. If you two are able to get through a frank and honest conversation, and prevail at a better place than you were before, then you should be comforted by the durability of your relationship.

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Drake hasn’t done much press in a while but on Friday night, he dropped in on Elliott Wilson’s show at East Village Radio (EVR for short) and gave what was a really good interview.  l Miss Info was cool enough to post it in its entirety.

For quite some time, Drake and Wilson discussed music in terms of where Drake is in the recording process for his new album (he’s actually dropping two singles next wee), if he’s working with new producers and how he feels about other artists and particularly, how he tends to “open his door” to new artists and give them a platform.

Awesome, right? It actually was.  Well, within the last 15 minutes, Wilson started talking to Drake about how he hates the “dog and pony show” of listening parties and interviews and the media “entrapment.” Wilson mentioned how when Chris Brown goes on interviews, people always ask him about Drake. Drake, very casually, responded:

“Don’t ask me s–t about that man when I come up there (“there” being at a media outlet for interviews). And leave than man alone. Stop preying on his insecurities. His insecurities are the fact that I make better music than him. That I’m more poppin’ than him. And at one point in life th woman he loves fell in my lap.  I did what a real —– would do and treated her with respect.”

Welp, there it is!  Drake acknowledged that they do have a problem and either it’ll work itself out or not but that the media won’t get “anything” out of a rap battle between them because Drake “does this for real and actually good at it.” Wilson was rapping it up by saying “…yeah, you we don’t need that situation and Drake added, “I’m not thinking about that man or that girl.”

There were no subliminal messages there, folks.  They don’t like each other but Drake believes that the media (and probably his own fans) hype everything up and make situations bigger than they really are.

So what’s next? Talking about each other’s mothers?  Am I instigating? Sure but he did the interview and wanted people to talk so I think this is an even trade.

Check out the “messiest” part of the interview below:

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Fighting is usually given a bad rep when it comes to dating and relationships. But in all relationships, there are bound to be arguments and differences of opinion from from time to time, just hopefully not too often. If you’re not convinced this is a healthy — and common — part of dating, here are 10 things every couple eventually fights over some day as well as a few good reasons why fighting is a positive part of a relationship.

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You’ve heard it many times before but that’s because it’s true: fighting is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. If you’re with a guy and you fight here and there, consider yourself to have found a good match. Fighting doesn’t always have to be detrimental to a relationship. In fact, it’s human nature to have conflict. However, in order to keep fighting between you and your man beneficial, there are some dos and don’ts that definitely need to be followed, or else fighting can become a relationship ender.

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You can try to categorize some behaviors as female and others as male, but really, it all depends on whose perspective you’re viewing it from. When it comes down to it, we’re all human,we tend to be driven by the same things, and we have the same insecurities, frustrations and desires. The difference is we express them in more “male” or “female” ways, but often we are guilty of the exact same behavior we criticize, we just don’t notice it because it looks different. In all of these ways, most couples are hypocritical and do not practice what they preach.