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From Essence

Q: “I’m 47 years and my boyfriend lives with me. I’ve been very depressed and confused lately. I haven’t had relations with my boyfriend for six months, due to his decreased libido. He has seen the doctor who says it may stem from his high blood pressure and possibly his age—he’s over 50. I’m also trying to cope with loving myself. I have low self-esteem and I want to please everybody; family, friends and strangers. But at the end of the day, I’m sad. I want some affection and attention from my man, and I want to learn how to love myself too. What to do?”

See what celebrity psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake has to say about this situation on Essence.com.

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Has a love interest ever made a move on you that left you thinking “Aw hell, I know he didn’t just do that!” or maybe “Aw, that was cute. Corny, but cute.” There’s a fine line between what is considered romantic and what is considered corny. What a person deems as romantic or cheesy is their prerogative and unique to their own individual perspective; however, for humor’s sake, check out some of these gestures that are meant to be romantic but don’t always come off that way.

Courtesy of: singleblackmale.org

At every new stage of maturity, I loved him. When I was 18, naïve and green, I puppy loved him to death. At 21, when I realized relationships weren’t always going to be sweet nothings and passionate French kisses – I did my best to prove to him how willing I was to fight for us. He told me he didn’t want me anymore. I got familiar with the depths of depression, eating only three times and crying for the better part of two weeks. The only way to describe the hurt is that I felt like I was standing naked in the middle of a highway and I could see the truck coming for me, but I couldn’t move. That dose of rejection felt like I was hit by a truck. Head-on. Full-force.

And still, after months of not speaking, swearing I would never interact with him again, the moment he would text me, I would fall in love again. Dying to prove my adoration. Wanting him to want me just as much as I wanted him.

He didn’t and he never would.

Some say I was dumb. Some say I have daddy issues. Some say that it’s alright and that I can’t help who I loved. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and theories. And all of the above hold some element of truth. But was I going to live out the rest of my twenties, pining away for a BOY who could not make up his mind? Was I going to wait for him to catch up and get his act together? Was I going to shut out any and every possible “Mr. Do Right” for that one “Mr. Do Wrong” who did so much wrong I could never really get to the root of why I ever thought he could potentially do right?

I had some serious questions to ask myself. And I did. Even though I still loved him a great deal, I was weary of giving him my heart and ending up his victim. I was tired of putting myself on the line and looking around to realize that he wasn’t standing next to me. Was it time for me to walk away? Hell yes. Did I really want to? Hell no. How did I do it?

I just…STOPPED.

After the last offense (him making light of a serious near-death experience I had – to put it mildly) I shed a tear or two – nowhere near as many as I had in the past – and I deleted his number. I blocked him on Facebook. I told myself, “This is it. No more.”

It was all I could do every single day to keep from calling him to ask how his day had been or “accidentally” texting him to have ANY kind of conversation. But I realized for every day that I did not contact him, he did not contact me. Just like that. It hurt like nothing I would wish on my worst enemy. But I maintained. I kept telling myself, “In a week it won’t hurt this bad. In two months this will be a memory…” That’s how I got through. Moment to moment.

There comes a time when you really, truly, madly, deeply have to realize your worth. A time when you have to say, “Enough is enough.” You’re only treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Your constant groveling for his love leaves you helpless, powerless. It proves that you have absolutely no concept of your own value. Groveling doesn’t have to be physically kneeling and begging. It’s in the little things like allowing him to come over at 4 a.m. when you know good and well he’s been out with other women. It’s in playing the role of the girlfriend/wife when he has made NO effort to give you the title. It’s in texting him constantly, deciphering every message he sends back, hoping there is some glimmer of affection reciprocated.

It took me some time, but I do speak to my ex now. I made that decision because I didn’t want to live my life hating him or being afraid to see him with someone else. I had to know that I moved on. For me this was the test to see if I was really over him. He has a girlfriend and contacts me on a semi-regular basis. I ask where his girlfriend is. He changes the subject. He’s unhappy. I’m single but in “talks” with an amazing guy who has been in my life for a few years now, waiting for the stars to align for us. *Cue cheesy grin* I’m content where I am. I gathered up all the love I had poured into him over the years and began showering it on myself, my family and friends.

When you make the decision to walk in your worth, wholly and completely – love and its full bounty open to you. We live in the era of over-the-top reality television where relationship problems are turned into complex quadratic equations for the sake of drama and Nielsen ratings when in reality it is NOT. THAT. HARD. WE choose to complicate things. Love, itself is as uncomplicated as a river’s flow.

So, when do you stay? When do you let it go? YOU know. You know in your heart when it’s time to walk away. You know when you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill and need to put more effort into the relationship.  What are you worth? What is your time worth? What is your love worth? You choose. You know what you deserve. You know your own mistakes. You know his. You know what you can forgive and forget. You know your dealbreakers. You know what is unreasonable and you know what isn’t. Make no more excuses. Quit pinning your hopes to an unstable man. Leave all half-a**ing to the reality stars. If it’s right, you know. Do the work. If it’s wrong, you know that too. Leave the jerk. You hold all the cards. Pack them up and wait on someone who plays fair. The win will be worth the wait for the both of you.

La Truly is a late-blooming Aries with lots to say. Her writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and positive change. Check out her thoughts/jokes/rants on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly and her young women’s empowerment blog: www.hersoulinc.com.

From YourTango.com

I know what you’re thinking right now. “Of course, I’m ready for a relationship. It’s what I’ve been waiting so long for! I just need to know how I can get one started!”

Well, I’m certainly not arguing that you want a real relationship. I’m asking if you’re ready for a real relationship. That one’s tough to answer, because it entails really looking at yourself and your beliefs, attitudes and behaviors in a real, open, and honest way. And that’s never easy.

One thing I can tell you is that I’ve been there. I’ve been in that spot where all I could think about was how I so wanted a real relationship, with all of the affection, understanding, support and love that comes with it. And that’s when I asked myself this very same question and I realized that I didn’t like the answer. I had some major changing to do. So how do you know if you’re ready for a relationship before you start one with either the wrong guy or Mr. Right at the wrong time?

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SOHH

Spring is in the air (or, it’s coming anyway) and that means it is time for new love. Well, okay…not that kind of love.  This time we’re talking about BROMANCES! For those of you who don’t know bromance is defined as a close, non-sexual relationship between two (or more) men. I know some of you might be thinking “Yeah, can’t happen…not cute” but it really can be fun to watch. Here are a few of our fave celeb bromances…

Read the rest of this entry »

Not all affection is good. I know—it seems good. But, there is a time and place for a certain type of affection, and you can tell a lot about a man’s intentions with you based on how he honors that time and that place, or how he completely disregards them. Usually, women are just happy to get affection at all from a man they are into. If he is shoving his tongue down your throat, and you’ve been interested in him for months, great! But…it’s not always great. Sometimes a man does want to date you, and you can see it in the way he touches you. But sometimes, he just wants to sleep with you, and you should learn to read that in his affection, too.