How To Have A Guilt-Free One Night Stand… If You Dare

November 8, 2011  |  

"Black couple kissing"

It’s the 21st century ladies. By all means, have a one-night stand. But make sure you know what that means and that you’re having it with the right person. Feelings shouldn’t be hurt. Feelings shouldn’t even really be involved. But it’s tough to tell when a one-night stand is fair to everyone involved, and when someone is going to end up feeling guilty. Here’s how to avoid the guilt, and retain all the pleasure:

"Couple flirting at bar"

Don’t talk about the future

Don’t say “oh we should do that!” when he mentions an upcoming event. Just say “that sounds cool.” You’re not planning on being in this guy’s future. You want to be in his right now. You don’t need to make it seem like you’re interested in something more with a man to get him to sleep with you. If you make it clear that you don’t plan on seeing a guy past that evening, then you’ll only attract the guys that are on the same page. But if you can tell that a guy expects further encounters, throw that fish back.

"Woman sitting alone at bar"

Don’t ditch your friends

If you’re with a group of girls in which there is an understanding that you all are on the prowl, then go home with a guy if you find one. But, if you’re out with just one other girl, or perhaps you’re the driver of your crew, don’t ditch them for your one-night stand. Your friends will stop going out with you if you always abandon them. And you don’t want to feel guilt about your rudeness to your friends.

"Black couple in bed"

Make sure you mean it

Usually, not always, but usually, if you sleep with a man the first night you’ve met him, he assumes that it will be a one-night stand. And he assumes it because men know that women are taught not to sleep with a guy who we really like on the first night. So, if you think you’re about to go to bed with a guy, be certain that this isn’t someone who you’re going to end up fantasizing about going on cute dates with and regretting that you blew that chance. Not always, but usually.

"Man kissing woman's hand"

Only sleep with a gentleman

There are perfectly nice guys out there looking for one night stands. It’s not only the ones who make vulgar comments under their breath—or directly in your face—and blatantly try to get you drunk who have one-night stands. If you don’t want to feel used the next day, make sure the guy at least pays for your drinks, seems to care to some degree for your well being (for example, he shouldn’t want to sleep with you if you’re falling over drunk), and doesn’t make any derogatory comments about how he only wants you for your body. He may think it, but he doesn’t have to say it.

"Black couple in bed"

Sleep at your place

The morning after can feel like a ticking time bomb. Is this guy wondering why you are even still there when he wakes up? Does he not want to touch you now that it’s over? Or, does he plan on making you a nice breakfast and would actually find it offensive if you just bolted? Let him be the one asking himself these questions, and have the one night stand at your place.

"Breakfast in bed"

Offer to make him breakfast

What goes around comes around and you don’t want to send a guy out of your bed and out into the world with a bad opinion of women because you treated him like a piece of meat the morning after. Talk to him. Even cuddle a little. Offer to make him breakfast. There is a reason that some men think women are complete man-eaters. Don’t be that reason. Be a good hostess, but remember to maintain your boundaries.

"Two women flirting with one man"

Don’t steal him from someone else

Have some courtesy. If you really just want to sleep with this guy, then don’t seduce him away from a girl who clearly likes him. Because then you may have ruined something good for both of them, and all for nothing—only for your one night stand. If you can tell that a guy is trying to choose between you and another sweet, well-meaning girl who wants more than a bit of intimacy, go seek your personal pleasures in other pastures. Having casual sex is a part of life today, but many women who have made the choice not o be celibate often still harbor guilt during a time when men seldom feel the same thing. If you are interested in experimenting with this way of expressing yourself, you should always protect yourself with condoms, and try things that feel right. Just don’t create any love karma that might come back to haunt you.  Would you agree?

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  • Guest

    “It’s the 21st century ladies. By all means, have a one-night stand.”  I would say they ARE promoting!  Just because it’s acceptable to some people does not mean it is right. Everyone is entitled to their opinion…..  Wondering if the writer would encourage her daughter to have a one night stand.

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  • Hello. I don’t want to be argumentative, but one night stands are a part of life now. Even in the most religious of communities, I often hear about hook ups, people doing everything but intercourse, etc. because now that sex is out of the bag in modern life, it is not going back in. What remains is the double standard that women are bad if they are participating — which is of course inevitable for heterosexual couples which make up the vast majority of the population. So — why be unrealistic about people NOT hooking up, which happens all the time everywhere — while helping women be free of the guilt and socially enforced shame? While teaching women to be smart and respectful in the process? If more men were taught to help smart and respectful, terrible things like the Amber Cole scandal would be less common. Casual sex is not going anywhere. So I think it’s wiser to be intelligent, honest and respectful about it, so people can protect their bodies and have compassion for the emotions aroused in the process. This is not “promoting” one night stands. This is an intelligent and helpful acknowledgement of the reality of them.

  • Really?!?

    This article really disgusted me! The 2 most ignant things the author said were: 1) Make sure u get some free drinks out of him and 2) cook him breakfast in the morning. Free drinks?! I feel like women should only give up the goods for 2 things: love or money. So if I’m putting myself out there for a man who doesn’t care about me I expect a hell of a lot more than a drink. That man better pay your bills or at least deposit a lil cash in your account. I think ppl who sleep around w/ men who don’t care about them for free have very low self-esteem. Now for the breakfast thing- let me get this straight- I get NOTHING from this man but a quick nutt & I’m supposed to wake up & cook him breakfast?! MN u have lost your d*** mind. Being cooked for is a privilege. I will cook for my significant other not some random I just met. Get it together!

  • In this day and age if a woman wants to have a one night stand she can. We need to stop calling her a hoe because she wants sex but not necessarily a relationship just yet. That is crazy. Thank you MN for this article. I’m more of a committed relationship kind of girl but it’s all love to the girls who just want sex and are SAFE about it.

  • JesseVandell

    Wow. what a disgraceful article. Y would u want to promote a one night stand, they hardly ever turn out good.

  • Hmmmmmmm

    Seriously? Is this really that big of a deal? 
    Doesn’t all a woman has to do is 1) Find a place 2) Find a guy she likes, feel comfortable with, and who likes her 3) Go get it in? 4) Bounce I know we are all 2011 and everything but let’s keep it 100….you dont have to be doing ish because it is 2011. If you’re putting that much thought into it (Will he respect me in the morning; what will my friends think, should I make breakfast; whatever) you probably are not emotionally ready for one, especially if your stand is a skilled lover and he curls your toes.

    Usually when a man has a one-nighter he doesn’t give a hoot if the woman is a lady, if the nice lame at the end of the bar is looking for a queen in her, or what she might think of him in the morning. Its about the seduction and his pleasure, and they just get it in and add it on. If you cant do this it may not be a wise thing to do.

  • Smiley092009

    Did this author not see For colored girls????

  • LaLaLaMeansILoveYou

    I’ve always believed that women, no matter how much we may try to deny
    it, are inclined by nature to attach our emotions with sex, while this
    may not always be the case with men. No matter how “tough” we may try to
    act, or how much we idolize Samantha from “Sex in the City”, or how
    much we listen to Lil Kim/Nicki Minaj type female MC’s, after all is
    said and done, you’re still a woman, and some type of feelings,
    regardless of how minute, will remain. Why set yourself up like that
    just for a piece? I’d rather have a brother weigh my finger down with a
    ring than blow my back out, thank you. You may be able to have an
    operation to transform your body to a man’s but there will always be
    some estrogen hanging around to eff with your head.

    I for one am so disappointed that this place continues to push this type of
    thinking on a site geared towards black women. I really do believe
    that it’s this thinking that’s the main reason for the continued
    downfall within our community…less marriages, more out-of-wedlock
    children, women feeling less need to be “ladies”, which in turn causes
    our men feeling less need to be “gentlemen”. While I can understand the
    necessity to keep things fresh and up to date in order to generate more hits for your site, IMO, if you are geared towards the
    african american community,
    yet you are doing more to DOWNGRADE us than to UPLIFT us, you are part
    of the
    problem. I’m really beginning to wonder who actually runs MN?  Get it together.

  • Msbossy519

    Promoting one night stands….SMH

  • Guest

    I’ve always believed that women (no matter how much we may try to deny
    it) are inclined by nature to attach our emotions with s*x, while this
    may not always be the case with men. No matter how “tough” we may try to
    act, or how much we idolize Samantha from “S*x in the City”, or how
    much we listen to Lil Kim/Nicki Min*j type female MC’s, after all is
    said and done, you’re still a woman, and some type of feelings,
    regardless of how minute, will remain. Why set yourself up like that
    just for a piece? I’d rather have a brother weigh my finger down with a
    ring than bl*w my back out, thank you. You may be able to have an
    operation to transform your body to a man’s but there will always be
    some estrogen hanging around to mess with your head.

    I for one am so disappointed that this site continues to push this type of
    thinking onto a site geared towards black women. I really do believe
    that it’s this thinking that’s the main reason for the continued
    downfall within our community…less marriages, more out-of-wedlock
    children, women feeling less need to be “ladies”, which in turn causes
    our men feeling less need to be “gentlemen”. While I can understand the
    necessity to keep things fresh and up to date in order to generate more
    “hits” for your site, IMO, if you are a website geared towards the black community,
    yet you are doing more to DOWNGRADE us than to UPLIFT us, you are part
    of the
    problem. I’m really beginning to wonder who actually runs MN?  Get it together.

  • LaLaLaMeansILoveYou

    I’ve always believed that women (no matter how much we may try to deny
    it) are inclined by nature to attach our emotions with s*x, while this
    may not always be the case with men. No matter how “tough” we may try to
    act, or how much we idolize Samantha from “S*x in the City”, or how
    much we listen to Lil Kim/Nicki Min*j type female MC’s, after all is
    said and done, you’re still a woman, and some type of feelings,
    regardless of how minute, will remain. Why set yourself up like that
    just for a piece? I’d rather have a brother weigh my finger down with a
    ring than bl*w my back out, thank you. You may be able to have an
    operation to transform your body to a man’s but there will always be
    some estrogen hanging around to mess with your head.

    I for one am so disappointed that this site continues to push this type of
    thinking on a site geared towards black women. I really do believe
    that it’s this thinking that’s the main reason for the continued
    downfall within our community…less marriages, more out-of-wedlock
    children, women feeling less need to be “ladies”, which in turn causes
    our men feeling less need to be “gentlemen”. While I can understand the
    necessity to keep things fresh and up to date in order to generate more
    “hits” for your site, IMO, if you are a site geared towards the African American community,
    yet you are doing more to DOWNGRADE us than to UPLIFT us, you are part
    of the
    problem. I’m really beginning to wonder who actually runs this site?  Get it together.

  • Kashbmaryd

    The guy’s initials are probably H.I.V. Just thought you ladies should know.

  • DangShame

    I’ve always believed that women (no matter how much we may try to deny
    it) are inclined by nature to attach our emotions with s*x, while this
    may not always be the case with men. No matter how “tough” we may try to
    act, or how much we idolize Samantha from “S*x in the City”, or how
    much we listen to Lil Kim/Nicki Minaj type female MC’s, after all is
    said and done, you’re still a woman, and some type of feelings,
    regardless of how minute, will remain. Why set yourself up like that
    just for a piece? I’d rather have a brother weigh my finger down with a
    ring than bl*w my back out, thank you. You may be able to have an
    operation to transform your body to a man’s but there will always be
    some estrogen hanging around to mess with your head.

    I for one am so disappointed that this site continues to push this type of
    thinking onto a site geared towards black women. I really do believe
    that it’s this thinking that’s the main reason for the continued
    downfall within our community…less marriages, more out-of-wedlock
    children, women feeling less need to be “ladies”, which in turn causes
    our men feeling less need to be “gentlemen”. While I can understand the
    necessity to keep things fresh and up to date in order to generate more
    “hits” for your site, IMO, if you are a website geared towards the
    african american community,
    yet you are doing more to DOWNGRADE us than to UPLIFT us, you are part
    of the
    problem. I’m really beginning to wonder who actually runs this site?  Get it together.

  • DangShame

    blocking comments now MN?

  • LaLaLaMeansILoveYou

    I’ve always believed that women (no matter how much we may try to deny
    it) are inclined by nature to attach our emotions with s*x, while this
    may not always be the case with men. No matter how “tough” we may try to
    act, or how much we idolize Samantha from “S*x in the City”, or how
    much we listen to Lil Kim/Nicki Minaj type female MC’s, after all is
    said and done, you’re still a woman, and some type of feelings,
    regardless of how minute, will remain. Why set yourself up like that
    just for a piece? I’d rather have a brother weigh my finger down with a
    ring than bl*w my back out, thank you. You may be able to have an
    operation to transform your body to a man’s but there will always be
    some estrogen hanging around to mess with your head.

    I for one am so disappointed that this site continues to push this type of
    thinking onto a site geared towards black women. I really do believe
    that it’s this thinking that’s the main reason for the continued
    downfall within our community…less marriages, more out-of-wedlock
    children, women feeling less need to be “ladies”, which in turn causes
    our men feeling less need to be “gentlemen”. While I can understand the
    necessity to keep things fresh and up to date in order to generate more
    “hits” for your site, IMO, if you are a website geared towards the
    african american community,
    yet you are doing more to DOWNGRADE us than to UPLIFT us, you are part
    of the
    problem. I’m really beginning to wonder who actually runs this site?  Get it together.

  • DangShame

    I’ve always believed that women (no matter how much we may try to deny
    it) are inclined by nature to attach our emotions with sex, while this
    may not always be the case with men. No matter how “tough” we may try to
    act, or how much we idolize Samantha from “Sex in the City”, or how
    much we listen to Lil Kim/Nicki Minaj type female MC’s, after all is
    said and done, you’re still a woman, and some type of feelings,
    regardless of how minute, will remain. Why set yourself up like that
    just for a piece? I’d rather have a brother weigh my finger down with a
    ring than blow my back out, thank you. You may be able to have an
    operation to transform your body to a man’s but there will always be
    some estrogen hanging around to eff with your head.

    I for one am so disappointed that MN continues to push this type of
    thinking onto a website geared towards black women. I really do believe
    that it’s this thinking that’s the main reason for the continued
    downfall within our community…less marriages, more out-of-wedlock
    children, women feeling less need to be “ladies”, which in turn causes
    our men feeling less need to be “gentlemen”. While I can understand the
    necessity to keep things fresh and up to date in order to generate more
    “hits” for your website, IMO, if you are a website geared towards the
    african american community,
    yet you are doing more to DOWNGRADE us than to UPLIFT us, you are part
    of the
    problem. I’m really beginning to wonder who actually runs this
    website?  Get it together MN.

  • LaLaLaMeansILoveYou

    I’ve always believed that women (no matter how much we may try to deny
    it) are inclined by nature to attach our emotions with s*x, while this
    may not always be the case with men. No matter how “tough” we may try to
    act, or how much we idolize Samantha from “S*x in the City”, or how
    much we listen to Lil Kim/Nicki Minaj type female MC’s, after all is
    said and done, you’re still a woman, and some type of feelings,
    regardless of how minute, will remain. Why set yourself up like that
    just for a piece? I’d rather have a brother weigh my finger down with a
    ring than blow my back out, thank you. You may be able to have an
    operation to transform your body to a man’s but there will always be
    some estrogen hanging around to eff with your head.

    I for one am so disappointed that this site continues to push this type of
    thinking onto a website geared towards black women. I really do believe
    that it’s this thinking that’s the main reason for the continued
    downfall within our community…less marriages, more out-of-wedlock
    children, women feeling less need to be “ladies”, which in turn causes
    our men feeling less need to be “gentlemen”. While I can understand the
    necessity to keep things fresh and up to date in order to generate more
    “hits” for your site, IMO, if you are a website geared towards the
    african american community,
    yet you are doing more to DOWNGRADE us than to UPLIFT us, you are part
    of the
    problem. I’m really beginning to wonder who actually runs this
    website?  Get it together.

  • LaLaLaMeansILoveYou

    I’ve always believed that women (no matter how much we may try to deny
    it) are inclined by nature to attach our emotions with sex, while this
    may not always be the case with men. No matter how “tough” we may try to
    act, or how much we idolize Samantha from “Sex in the City”, or how
    much we listen to Lil Kim/Nicki Minaj type female MC’s, after all is
    said and done, you’re still a woman, and some type of feelings,
    regardless of how minute, will remain. Why set yourself up like that
    just for a piece? I’d rather have a brother weigh my finger down with a
    ring than blow my back out, thank you. You may be able to have an
    operation to transform your body to a man’s but there will always be
    some estrogen hanging around to eff with your head.

    I for one am so disappointed that this site continues to push this type of
    thinking onto a website geared towards black women. I really do believe
    that it’s this thinking that’s the main reason for the continued
    downfall within our community…less marriages, more out-of-wedlock
    children, women feeling less need to be “ladies”, which in turn causes
    our men feeling less need to be “gentlemen”. While I can understand the
    necessity to keep things fresh and up to date in order to generate more
    “hits” for your website, IMO, if you are a website geared towards the
    african american community,
    yet you are doing more to DOWNGRADE us than to UPLIFT us, you are part
    of the
    problem. I’m really beginning to wonder who actually runs this
    website?  Get it together.

  • LaLaLaMeansILoveYou

    I’ve always believed that women (no matter how much we may try to deny it) are inclined by nature to attach our emotions with sex, while this may not always be the case with men. No matter how “tough” we may try to act, or how much we idolize Samantha from “Sex in the City”, or how much we listen to Lil Kim/Nicki Minaj type female MC’s, after all is said and done, you’re still a woman, and some type of feelings, regardless of how minute, will remain. Why set yourself up like that just for a piece? I’d rather have a brother weigh my finger down with a ring than blow my back out, thank you. You may be able to have an operation to transform your body to a man’s but there will always be some estrogen hanging around to eff with your head.

    I for one am so disappointed that MN continues to push this type of thinking onto a website geared towards black women. I really do believe that it’s this thinking that’s the main reason for the continued downfall within our community…less marriages, more out-of-wedlock children, women feeling less need to be “ladies”, which in turn causes our men feeling less need to be “gentlemen”. While I can understand the necessity to keep things fresh and up to date in order to generate more “hits” for your website, IMO, if you are a website geared towards the african american community,
    yet you are doing more to DOWNGRADE us than to UPLIFT us, you are part of the
    problem. I’m really beginning to wonder who actually runs this website?  Get it together MN.

  • Lelea2003

    This is a shame! I cannot believe that there is a story written about one night stands! As if we need to be having more sex, with all the problems we are having because if it SMH!!!

  • Lilly

    Wow just wow. So we are advocating this now?

    • DAYWALKER (THE DAYDREAM!!!!)

      Sure they are…..What else do you expect HOES to do?????

      • Faith

        People are just so judgmental… she said in the beginning its not for
        everybody.. so if it not for you just keep it moving.What do you care?
        You’re not the one doing it.. so why even read the article AND make some
        ignorant ass comment  #growup