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So I was watching Love and Hip Hollywood the other day. Yes, I still watch the entire franchise. No, I can’t really explain why. I just do.
But as I was saying, I checked out the Season 4 premiere on Monday and caught up with the shenanigans of the colorful cast of characters. During the episode, viewers were reintroduced to singer Brooke Valentine, who in 2005 released the hit song “Girlfight” before retreating from the limelight to raise her son. [SPOILER] As her story opens up, we see that she’s dating a guy named Marcus who is in the industry and they both seem very much in love. Marcus even started talking about marriage. But before we knew it, in true Love and Hip Hop fashion, we find out that Marcus, who is supposed to be a divorcee, can’t marry Brooke because he’s actually still married to his estranged wife.
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Despite feeling like she’d been bamboozled, Marcus managed to work some type of sexual magic on Brooke to get her to cool her jets and decide to stay with him. For now. However, in the preview for the rest of the season, we see that Brooke starts spending time with a one Daniel “Boobie” Gibson, who we all know is still married to and even living with Keyshia Cole.
I’m not judging whatever romantic moves Brooke chooses to make, but the situation she is in and will possibly find herself in soon left me thinking. Just how comfortable are people with the idea of dating someone who is not divorced, but seemingly over their marriage? And I’m not talking only about those who say “I’m working on it” when confronted about their situation, but also those who don’t promise to get a divorce, have no timeline on it and seem to have an understanding with their estranged partners that they can start looking for love elsewhere.
It’s a super common actually. A few years ago, while filming Ask a Black Man, we found out that one of the men chosen to take part in the series was married, but dating. According to him, both he and his wife had decided to move forward and see other people, but they hadn’t gone ahead and tried to finalize a divorce. The main issue, at least from what he said, was the cost of going through the process and the financial state it could leave him in. So he hadn’t done it. Instead, he decided to put himself back on the market, and despite it being a weird situation, was honest and upfront about it. He even tried to shoot his shot with one of the editors. It was a hard pass.
But others are open. Some truly feel that when a couple is separated and living, well, said completely separate life, that by dating one half of the couple, they may not be in the way when it comes to going through the divorce and came in after a possible reconciliation process. They’re not done on paper, but they’re done emotionally. For instance, I’ll never forget when Alicia Keys said that she and producer, now husband, Swizz Beatz “didn’t start seeing each other until months after” he separated from then-wife Mashonda Tifrere. People attacked her (and did for years before and after her statement) over her opinion that she didn’t interfere in their relationship whatsoever because he fully checked out of it.
Still, the reality is that dating a person going through or simply stagnant in a divorce is becoming less and less rare. There are articles online about how to successfully date while going through proceedings, and with shows about sidechicks popping up, being involved with a not-yet-single-but-ready-to-mingle man seems to have less of a negative reception than it used to.
But I do wonder what the rush is. If a person is genuinely interested in you and you’re interested in them, why can’t both parties wait until the divorce is final to make something happen? Why put yourself in the middle of that awkward situation and unknowingly (or knowingly) impede upon a chance for two people to work on their marriage if there is one? There are feelings that can linger after an ordinary dating or long-term relationship ends, so can you imagine what one might feel but not talk about through a divorce? Considering that, and the fact that it’s been proven through research that men mourn a divorce later than women, you could be setting yourself up for quite the mess, especially if there’s no timeline on when things are going to be finalized. Because not only is this person coming in your life with emotional baggage, but they’re also coming in with an actual spouse. And you thought a man with kids was too much…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What say you? Is it petty to not want to date someone who isn’t 100 percent divorced, even if they say there’s no chance at reconciliation with their estranged spouse?
