Self-love lesson: How do you love someone with an addiction?
Over the holidays I ran into a former classmate who I always admired. Kayla (not her real name) was smart, funny, and had it going on. This woman was beautiful and outgoing and it was easy to see, even as a young woman, that she was going places.
Now a successful bank manager, Kayla was almost recognizable. Her beauty was still there but her effervescence had dimmed. She told me that her husband of the past 10 years was an addict. She scolded me a little, saying that she was a fan of my work but she had never seen me address addiction. Being the on point and whip smart Kayla that she always was, she pointed out that over 20 million Americans are addicted to alcohol and drugs. She confided that she and her husband were addicts together, but she was able to get help. “My man is a junkie,” she said. “And nobody knows.” Kayla insisted that I write something for families like hers; families where everything looks great from the outside, but they are self-imploding.
This is for Kayla, her family, and all of the families out there silently suffering not only with addiction, but with the stigmas surrounding addiction. The more we can bring taboo topics into the light, the sooner you can find healing and recovery.
First, what exactly is addiction? Psychology Today defines addiction as the condition that results when a substance or behavior that could be pleasurable becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life. The addict may or may not be aware of how their destructive addiction is affecting themselves and those around them.
It is generally recognized that the addiction is usually the symptom of very real emotional issues. Addictions are often a means to numb or avoid dealing with issues, challenges, and circumstances. People can become addicted to almost anything — and we do. We live in culture of addiction. The National Institute of Drug Abuse claims that addiction costs the country $600 billion a year in costs related to lost wages, emergency healthcare and crime.
Everyone knows that you can be addicted to drugs and alcohol but people can be addicted to food, shopping, tobacco, gambling, gaming, television, watching porn, work, and other activities. There are 12-step programs and support groups to address almost all of these issues but today we are specifically talking about drugs and alcohol. In a previous column, popular media personality Alexyss K. Tylor shared how her son’s addiction led to a difficult incarceration. In a future column, I will address healing your own addictions. Let’s talk about partner addiction.
If your intimate partner is an addict, here are the do’s and don’ts.
DO be clear about where your partner is in his addiction.
If he is actively using and abusing you will not be able to have a rational relationship, plain and simple. You cannot have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. A relationship with an addict will leave you feeling depleted because it is mentally, emotionally, and spiritually broken. Relationships with vampires only work in the movies.
DO realize that every member of your family needs help, support, and rehabilitation.
The addicted person may be the “identified patient” but just like you probably can’t live with someone with measles and be healthy, the same is true of addiction. The secrets, lies, shame, and blame surrounding addiction can poison your family unit.
DO be honest with your children about what is happening cognizant of their level of understanding.
Our children are very smart and intuitive. If one partner is falling apart, the other one has to still make the kids feel safe in the chaos. Lying teaches the kids that they can’t trust you either.
DO have a system of faith, whatever that may be.
Trying to go it alone in such dire circumstances is mentally abusive to yourself. If there is some kind of slight light of belief that you have, this is the time to hold on to it. If you are a religious person you may find solace in your place of worship. If you are spiritual, allow your prayer, meditation and other practices to be your foundation. You may also find solace or relief in “alternative” healing practices like reiki and EFT, emotional freedom technique.
DON’T avoid the situation.
Addiction will not just go away. You can’t pretend that everything is fine. In NYC we say, if you see something say something. The same is true here. If you see something, do something. Your family will not survive otherwise.
DON’T be in denial.
Denial is detrimental. You can be a little addicted only like you can be a little pregnant. You will have to make some tough decisions. You may need to take your kids and go in the same way that a sick limb has to be amputated to save the whole body. Tough love and honesty with yourself is required.
DON’T try to go it alone.
I can’t stress this enough. You need support. Find yourself a good therapist and/or support group immediately. You can find AlAnon Family Groups online or in your city.
DON’T enable your partner’s addiction.
Addicts lie, steal, and cheat. Your partner is married to their addiction, when it is active, not to you. Be aware of that and make moves to keep yourself and your family safe.
DON’T skip the self-care.
You have to take care of you in order to be able to care for everyone else. Self-care is not an optional step. Love up on yourself for the sake of your children and family.
DON’T stay in a place of shame, blame, secrets, and lies.
Let us shine a light on our broken places because none of us suffers alone. Our challenges may look different, but we all have them. Be honest with the people who you love about what you are going through. We are only as sick as our secrets.
Your loved one is not just a drunk, druggie, cokehead, crackhead, pillpopper, heroin addict, tweaker, stoner, speed freak, or junkie. Your partner is not a loser, even though they may have temporarily lost their mind. They are an ill version of the person you love. If they get the help they need, you may not get back to your previous normal. But a “new normal” of love, health, healing, and wellbeing can be reached.
Good luck.
—
Abiola Abrams is the author of the award-winning guide The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love and founder of SacredBombshell.com, where she offers empowerment coaching.
